You must have seemed strong and self-confident...keep that going...and no matter what happens, you'll be in great shape. Also, while it's good to acknowledge those baby steps - don't make too much of them...just keep doing what you're doing...especially if it feels like it works...but just don't start pursuing or doing anything that seems too eager. I have no doubt that she knows you love her - so no need to say that again - now just let her see that you'll be fine...no matter what she says or does...she's taking in and observing everything - just let that happen - and focus on you...that's where your strength is...
Glad to see that you're not feeling as mopey as you were 6 months ago!
I'm doing well...Still dealing with the financial mess of my life - and now hobbling about on a torn ACL - but, even with all that in mind...I really can't complain...I feel like this last year has helped me face a lot of things that I was afraid of taking on in my life - and that I'm now in a position to be a better role model to my boys than I ever could have been before.
Parting with the kids...I'll have to do that at the end of this summer with my S12...when I dwell on it too much it pulls me out of the present in a fierce way - and already starts to cut into my heart - but I know that if I stay in the present - and make the most of this summer and all the time we have together now - that we'll have a powerful bond even while we're apart.
Glad to hear you still have some good times ahead with your son. During the 2 weeks I had with my boys I would tell them each day to enjoy the moment and have fun each day, even if all we did sometimes was lounge around in the hotel room joke around and watch cartoons...
GALing is a homework in itself. I have a developed a strong bond with my neighbors, which I didn't have at all a year ago when my W was at home. She always used to tell me to spread my wings and get to know the neighbors. My social life revolves around my neighbors and church folks. I don't date because I believe I am still married to my W even if she left a year ago. I know she doesn't date either. I need to expand my GALing activities. I've taken up playing the guitar and working out more, but that's about it.
Any GALing suggestions?
JR
Me:44 WAW:43 Children S13,S11,S7 Married 17 yrs W left JUN 08 W filed JAN 09 D proceedings dismissed AUG 09 W refiles 1 MAR 11
I love those days when you can just lounge around with the kids - and yet still feel like you're sharing something special...
I started to find my GALing by just becoming more social - which I did my reconnecting and reaching out to people via facebook - and also by finding a local, pickup soccer game on meetup.com.
One thing I still have to figure out for myself is how I can give more back to the community...
It's been 5 days since I returned back from my visit with my 3 boys. The tough realization that I am physically alone again sets in. I had a couple of crying moments as I looked at the pictures I took of my sons.
Since I returned, I had dinner with my neighbor friends twice. It was great to just be with other people. Took my mind off being away from my W and kids. I believe this is when GALing really comes into play in the DB process...Can't always stay in the doom-gloom mentality. Got to pick myself up somehow. I learned nobody will do the GALing for you. Either you do it yourself or you remain in that doom-gloom state.
GALing requires a lot of willpower to pull myself up and "see the sunlight". I love that saying someone put on this BB: no matter how you feel, get up, dress up, and show up. Gotta do it.
JR
Me:44 WAW:43 Children S13,S11,S7 Married 17 yrs W left JUN 08 W filed JAN 09 D proceedings dismissed AUG 09 W refiles 1 MAR 11
I am sorry that you are missing your boys...and I know that being alone can be difficult. That said, you have a great attitude and you are right...just have to force yourself out there into the world to do things.
You sound strong in your post...you can keep going, trust yourself.
DBing is hard as hell...and downright exhausting at times...but it gets easier, it really does...and so much of it amounts to learning things about yourself that it constantly reminds you that the process and the pain are worth it.
When will you get to spend some time with your boys again?
Have you gone dark? I don't know if that's necessarily what you need right now, btw...aside from the GALing...what have been your 180s in terms of your W/M?
THANKS for the encouragement. I don't know when I'll see the boys again. I have no idea. I sometimes dream of driving all the way to my wife's parents'home, where she stays, and just surprise the boys and the W. But that's 900 miles away from where I am... Maybe that's not a good idea...Don't know how the parents will welcome me...
I haven't gone dark. Just try to keep lines of communication open with my W each week. A little hello here, there. I call my W about once a week, and my boys about 2-3 times a week.
I did a lot of 180s since I started DBing 6 months ago. I used to call a lot. I don't anymore. I don't hang on to the conversation for 30-45 min like I used to. I just keep it to about 15 min, maybe 20 tops. And I usually try to end it first. I also don't react anymore to any negative thing my W says. I usually keep myself composed and never speak in anger. I've been doing really well with that. I'm sure my W noticed. I used to write daily letters a year ago after she left. No more. I stopped sounding sad and needy. Even on my worst days, I always do my best to sound "in Control" and confident when I call my W.
In any case, my W probably noticed the changes, I don't know. I just checked with the court clerk where the D was filed. He told me that no action has been taken for the past 5 months since it was filed. The clerk said it may well be dismissed soon unless my W does something about it. I believe my W may be in a state of ambivalence, recognizing my changes, but not too sure if they'll hold for the long haul. So a month ago she said that she initiated an action to keep the D in the courts, but that proves to be untrue. The truth is that she hasn't done anything about the D since she filed.
So I don't know what this all means. I pray the D will be dismissed then wait for what happens next. Any input anyone?
Thanks for checking in.
JR
Me:44 WAW:43 Children S13,S11,S7 Married 17 yrs W left JUN 08 W filed JAN 09 D proceedings dismissed AUG 09 W refiles 1 MAR 11
I think it is great that you have made so many positive changes...it seems to me that you are able to draw strength from them. None of us knows what the future holds, do we? I used to let this scare me...and by used to, I mean fairly recently. I have learned that not knowing what the future holds can equally be empowering...as in anything is possible.
I am learning that there is enormous peace to be found by keeping one's mind in the present. Believe me when I say that I know it is much easier for me to say than for any of us to do. I am learning that keeping one's mind in the present is a practice and a process - not something that just happens.
I am telling you this with the hope that if you can turn your focus just a bit more to the present, your pain at the distance from your boys might be eased just a bit. I cannot even imagine how hard it must be for you and I hope this suggestion helps, even just a little.
Don't get me wrong, I think you are doing an amazing job at keeping yourself positive. Just adding a bit of advice that I have found very helpful for myself these last few days...
