... but why wouldn't you now go down the Mediation path concurrently with Retro (assuming she might still do it)? There will be nothing binding about either process. She may be swayed to work on herself and your marriage if you do Retro. She may not.
But, in the meanwhile, both you and she could come to a better understanding of what divorce will mean for your family which, in turn, may or may not sway either one of you one way or the other.
Alex,
I've thought about it - and still am. For the first time now, my W and I talked about D today without any real emotions (well, I felt a few twinges, but nothing open between us). We were talking about what it would mean financially, and how we couldn't afford to live where we are or, and how if we continued to live in the high cost area we are it would mean tiny apartments. We also talked about how if we D'd it would mean that we would both be tied to the area where we separate, because it would be difficult for either of us to leave without upsetting the custody agreement (she threw in the "Unless there is sole custody" but I let it go by). I think we can continue to have these discussions without mediation.
My C recommended against it strongly. He said "you may not think it or realize it now, but mediation opens up a whole new range of emotions that you may not be ready to deal with. Don't do it unless you are both REALLY ready to finalize and D.
He's really pushing for "Just hold out, and make it to Retrouvaille"
---
Interesting note: I just remembered that my W started the C session today with "Well, I guess things have gotten to the point where they can't get any worse"
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Interesting note: I just remembered that my W started the C session today with "Well, I guess things have gotten to the point where they can't get any worse"
I'm glad she thinks so, but there really is no such thing. Things can always get worse. I like the way both of them are picking up on holding on until Retrouvaille. She sounds like she will have the open mind that's needed. The willing heart will come if the mind is open. Look at the Retrouvaille logo -- it is a lifeline hanging on a cross. It's an excellent image. I stared at it all weekend as they spoke.
It is hard to commit to forever. You are exactly right that all she needs to commit to is trying to make the marriage better. You have made a lot of headway. Sometimes a crisis is a good thing because it brings things to a head and makes you change. And change is necessary. As they say at Retrouvaille, if nothing changes, then nothing changes. Which means, if you don't change, you cannot expect to see any changes in anything else.
My C recommended against it strongly. He said "you may not think it or realize it now, but mediation opens up a whole new range of emotions that you may not be ready to deal with. Don't do it unless you are both REALLY ready to finalize and D.
Hmmm. I'd defer to you and your comfort with the wisdom of his advice, but is opening up a new range of emotions necessarily a bad thing? [Any psychologists out there?]
And is the second part really true? Don't we have a case study or two here where, as I understand it, it was among the ways in which @Coach led? Maybe I'm remembering incorrectly, but I thought all the while @Coach was "leading" the legal stuff was going on in the background.
What if those emotions would otherwise remain repressed... As long as one's dealing with emotions, maybe rolling 'em all out would be more telling than leaving them simmering under the surface for the next time things aren't perfect... And, if it doesn't work, wouldn't you rather be further down the path?
Do you think she's going just to go (and so she can say she "tried") or because she WANTS to make an effort? I know it's mind-reading, but what does your gut tell you?
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
The registration form and check are now in the mail to Retrouvaille.
Good job Thinker. FWIW, I disagree w/ AlexEN, Retro first, which will only help you if you end up in Mediation. I've done both, and I don't think either would have worked while the other was on the table. Peace.
The registration form and check are now in the mail to Retrouvaille.
Good job Thinker. FWIW, I disagree w/ AlexEN, Retro first, which will only help you if you end up in Mediation. I've done both, and I don't think either would have worked while the other was on the table. Peace.
Those who've done both are probably a more reliable source than conjecture... Just pointing out that I believe @Coach and @Greek were parallel processing so-to-speak...
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
The most potent predictor of being happily married is being happy before you marry. Marriage does not make you happy, although the prospect of sharing life with a loved one can provide motivation to make yourself happy. What marriage certainly offers is someone on whom to blame your unhappiness.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
The most potent predictor of being happily married is being happy before you marry. Marriage does not make you happy, although the prospect of sharing life with a loved one can provide motivation to make yourself happy. What marriage certainly offers is someone on whom to blame your unhappiness.
OrangeDog likes this!
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
Well, despite it all, despite the blowup on Wednesday night, despite the tears and the discussions and the counseling session, despite the acknowledgments that the interactions with OM2 and OM3 are at a minimum inappropriate and disrespectful...the R with OM2 continues.
It's like being married to an alcoholic -- she just can't stop.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
