The whole point to leaving was to keep my kids safe. Now, I realize that sounds a bit like a martyr, but it's where I was at. I had already left in May of '07, returning when I realized that living apart from my kids, leaving them in what I consider a bad situation with no protection) just doesn't work for me. I had planned on staying until D13 was up and out. Does this sound co-dependent? Probably. I've never been real good at 'alone'. It's an area I need to improve. So, for now, I'm back home because being alone (and kid-less) is worse. And I pay a lot more attention to expectations and assumptions. I no longer try to predict the future. I'm far less worried about "What will H think", although it comes back up now and again. Ironically, I've had to accept that while I had their best interests in mind, I couldn't MAKE the kids accept that their home life can be toxic at times. When/if, they ever indicate they've had enough and want to leave, I'm ready. That sounds odd, as I read this back. I'm not suggesting that kids should have to make grown-up decisions. What I'm saying is that I tried to rescue people who did not want to be rescued. If that changes, although I don't believe it will, I'll be ready. H has made some changes. Enough that it's better than last summer. Beyond that, I'm not going to hold my breath. Ugh. I'm rambling. There's a lot to sort out when you're a WAW who can't figure out what she really wants. No, check that...I still want the same thing. To give the three bears the best I've got. Now I have to figure out how to do that. Peace.
