Changing Man

[Gardener]

Journaling: Very interesting day. First I'll jump to early afternoon talk with IC. Went over my "meltdown" of the other night, angst, etc., as well as the Cavalry rushing to the rescue (that'd be you guys). . IC recounted my physical, mental, spiritual, relational, etc. gains for a few minutes and then basically said your heart lags behind, Gardener. You hurt. Deeply. And when you hurt, you hurt. That resonated deeply. No analysis or over-analysis needed, Gardener. You hurt.

I hurt.

Back to beginning of the day. I picked up my wife to go to re-fi closing. Nice ride. When we park at bank she brings up Mediator again "Oh, no! Ahead of schedule. I'm not ready with my script!" .

No need, because then, wife suggests we look into it, read up on it, no need to do anything about it just yet, "How about we wait until we come back from (Gardener blended family annual seashore vacation)?"
"That sounds good. I'll give that some thought," says Gardener perfectly, (not even realizing he had turned his autopilot on).

Wait a minute: did she just suggest doing nothing (except agree to "look into it") for six more weeks?
Well this is certainly good.

Then she offers to give back my beloved, world's-best cat, which I had let her take when she moved, "because I know you miss him." Cue Twilight Zone music: "Do Do Do Do..." Did she somehow hear me talking to best-cat nonstop every time I went to her apartment the last five days to care for him while she was away? I declined, saying I don't want to topsy-turvy best-cat's universe again. And besides, best-cat and my wife's cute new dog are clearly a team, now: can't break up that team. (But-damn!-did I thank her for that thoughtful gesture? No. I'll do that tomorrow.
Well, this is certainly good.

Then, she says she'd like to take me out for ice cream tomorrow night for my birthday, if I'd like. "Sure. That'd be real nice."
Well, this is certainly good.

During the closing, I had a blast with our lawyer who is a very entertaining guy. I just joined in and enjoyed (bit of a 180 fer me) and several times, in the corner of my eye, I notice my wife turning her head looking at me (in some of my new not-my-usual-style clothes, I might add).
Well, this is certainly good.

Of course, all this could mean absolutely nothing, too. But, "look for changes?..."

Finished up good session with IC by tilling some of Gardener's soil out loud. What did I find? At the very bottom, core, of...me, lately - either alone or when I am with my wife -, my aforementioned hurt, that always bubbles below the surface is "...I am no longer ...wanted." No angst. No pity party. Just acknowledging the all-too-human root of the hurt.

And somehow before IC session ended, the subject of our vows came up...came out, actually. We have long maintained that though we were each wed before, we way too young, and that this - ours - was our first and only true marriage They were good, non-corny self-written vows. And I told IC - and me - that net them out, reduce them to their simplest and what I was really saying to her, our four children and the small group of friends and family there was this: "I am the person who will never give up on you."

I will not give up on her.

Thank you for reading.
Thank you for being here for me. I hope I have somehow given to some of you as much as you have given me.