My WAW and I have now been separated for 6 weeks. I’d be lying if I said my drinking problems had nothing to do with it, but my councilor and I feel that it’s the ‘normal’ problems such as communication and meeting each other’s needs that is the bigger problem right now. The pattern that we found ourselves in was this;
1) I’d go through some sort of emotional trauma and decide that drinking was the right way to handle it. 2) I’d be horrified at the way I would continue to drink in the face of my marriage collapsing and stop. 3) After 2 or 3 months of sobriety our ‘regular’ marriage issues would come up. Her feeling like I don’t enjoy spending time with her. That we were no longer friends and lovers but just business partners. 4) I would convince myself that there was no sense in me not drinking if we were going to just be miserable and get a divorce anyway – so I’d fall off the wagon and start the whole vicious cycle again.
We started seeking marriage counseling in March of 2008. At the time my wife wanted me to move out of the house, get an apartment and stay sober for something like a year to prove that I could do it. Last year I was absolutely certain there was no way I could stay sober living by myself in apartment (something I’m doing quite successfully this year). I moved into an apartment in April of 08. Then my SIL died in solo car accident while she was extremely drunk and nothing has been the same since. It was devastating for the entire family. I managed to stay sober a few months, moved back into our house in September of 08 then proceeded to reenact the cycle that I listed above.
So I have two battles to wage here. First and foremost, I must stay sober. Nothing in my marriage can change if I don’t do that. I’m doing real well with that. I have established a very good support group of friends and I really feel like I’m staying sober for ME this time, rather then out of an ultimatum or fear of getting a divorce. I’ve been working out a lot and I’ve gotten in good shape by taking good care of myself. I’m growing spiritually and I can really see a huge change in my self respect. For the most part, I feel good about myself and the progress I’m making. For the first time in years I like myself (most days).
Obliviously my wife needs more than 5 weeks of me staying sober to convince her that I’ve changed fundamentally. I get that, and I agree. I’m not even saying that I WANT to move back in the house right now. It’s become obvious that there was no way that she and I could get healthy around each other. I could not stay sober for myself, and she could not ask me to take care of her needs for fear that her request would cause me to relapse. I’m exactly where I need to be right now.
For the most part, I have hope that we can make it through this. I’ve talked to folks with drinking problems that have cleaned up and been able to salvage their M and they’re very happy now. I’ve seen stories on these forums of folks in with similar SITCHs that seem to be making progress. But then there are days like today, and my hope fades considerably.
She dropped the big D on me 7/12/09. It was the first time she didn’t say IF she decided to file. She told me she WAS going to file. So far, she hasn’t done it. We have all the paper work filled out, she has a call into the ATTY but he hasn’t called back. She’s starting to have second thoughts about filing now because of the financial aspect of it. She won’t have health insurance. She doesn’t have a job right now so she wouldn’t be able to refinance the house. She told me tonight that if she thought I wouldn’t get some sort of hope that we’d reconcile in 3 or 4 months she wouldn’t feel the need to file, but obviously she can’t change how I feel, or if I have hope for us or not.
She started to show a little genuine concern tonight when I told her that it didn’t seem fare for the kids. We have two (D7 & D5) children who don’t have a choice on whether we get a divorce or not. I also said that I was afraid that if she decided to file and we moved on with our lives after a divorce, that we’d regret not doing everything it takes. It seems that we have so many reasons to keep working on our M and so very few reasons to go with the big D.
Right now, my only goal is to get her to agree to go back to counseling. We’re both still seeing our original C on an individual basis. My goal isn’t to stay married, or stave off divorce, but to get her to consider the fact that there are other options and then we can see what happens after some time.
I’ve read both DB and DR and I’m doing a lot of 180 and LRT. Until today I hadn’t seen her for 4 days and I’d not called her directly – just answered her calls and returned her voicemail. I’m STRONGLY resisting the urge to call her now and continue the conversation we had earlier about fighting through these hard times, if not for each other, for the kids. A few weeks back she was calling me asking me to go swimming with her and the girls, or go on bike rides with the girls and that kind of stuff. I was seeing the progress, but somewhere between then and now she’s decided that she has to file. She told me tonight that she feels she’d be ‘leading me on’ if she didn’t file.
I’ve heard not to believe anything she says, and only half of what she does. She tells me that she doesn’t love me. She says she doesn’t wants a divorce, but the fact is – we’re NOT divorced yet and I have to think if she wanted to be so badly we would be.
I’m just looking for some inspiration and a little hope. The days are starting to get awfully long and painful and this seemed like a good place to take my story. I’m trying real hard to keep my time occupied, call friends for support (in the past I’d call her and that didn’t work out so good) but I’m having a hard time being patient….I know I have to be, but knowing and doing are two different things.
