Sounds like some good conversations, I don't think you backslid at all! You're opening up the doors of communication wider, and asking for what you want.
So here's some unsolicited advice. It seems that a main issue right now is your anxiety, especially on the weekends. It's my fear that this may become a bigger issue and start to push him away again. Your feelings are valid - you've been hurt and you're very, very wary. But it sounds like this tension is getting to both you and him.
So, this is just my two cents - maybe you're focusing on him and OW too much? You're DBing focuses on you, and making you happy so you can bring that happiness, confidence, and security to the relationship. How about a 180 where, maybe next weekend, you say "I'm going shopping for the day" or something like that, "do what you want, I'll be back tonight." How would he react to that? I bet he'd be suprised and relieved. Come back home happy, ask him what he did, show him what you bought or whatever. Show him how secure you feel in the relationship (even if you don't act as if) and I bet it'll go a long way towards making you both feel more comfortable.
I hesitate to post this simply because I haven't been where you are, so maybe I'm totally off base on this, but just MHO.
Type at you later!! (Tell me more about your new TV!)
Thanks Pam and Bill for your support and suggestions.
Quote: So here's some unsolicited advice. It seems that a main issue right now is your anxiety, especially on the weekends. It's my fear that this may become a bigger issue and start to push him away again. Your feelings are valid - you've been hurt and you're very, very wary. But it sounds like this tension is getting to both you and him.
So, this is just my two cents - maybe you're focusing on him and OW too much? You're DBing focuses on you, and making you happy so you can bring that happiness, confidence, and security to the relationship. How about a 180 where, maybe next weekend, you say "I'm going shopping for the day" or something like that, "do what you want, I'll be back tonight." How would he react to that? I bet he'd be suprised and relieved. Come back home happy, ask him what he did, show him what you bought or whatever. Show him how secure you feel in the relationship (even if you don't act as if) and I bet it'll go a long way towards making you both feel more comfortable.
That is a very valid point and I agree with you that if I do not address it I am going to get us in trouble. But I am not sure about the way to address it.
One of the major things that got us in this mess is that I got too centered in my career and let him slip aside unnoticed (and I have to confess I even felt some relief that he stepped aside). So my being more independent might be counterproductive. That I do not need him has been a frequent reproach I have heard, so going on my own with my friends is not likely to get me any closer to him.
That said, you are right: I have been focusing too much on OW and plotting how to get rid of her and too little on myself. Maybe if I make plans to start working in the garden with him or doing some fun activities that do not remind him of the A... I will have to think about it.
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
I liked the conversation, thought it was good, got the things in the open.
I struggle with the too independent thing, too. What things does he enjoy doing that you could do with him. Things he used to just do on his own, that you could do with him. Gardening sounds good. Any other interest from the past that he used to enjoy doing that the two of you let go because of work/kids?
As you are not doubt discovering, in Piecing, there's often confusion about backsliding vs normal bumps and actual progress! I think this was mostly the latter.
I still don't buy your H's reasoning re OW, nor do I like him laying the "problem" on you. I wonder if there isn't SOME kind of attachment still there...not an A, but guilt? Promises? I could, of course, be completely off base.
Now about this weekend anxiety...you are talking to the former QUEEN of WAD...."Weekend Affective Disorder"
No it's not a recognized disorder, but I coined the term because for YEARS I had a pattern of working toward the weekends, and then angsting out all the way through them.
Here's what my deal was...any similarities?
I suppose I always had high expectations for the weekend. I'd get irritated if we didn't make plans, if we just hung around. I'd often follow CJ's lead, which was often to watch TV...
I'd feel like I SHOULD be doing something, but couldn't quite decide WHAT...overwhelmed, antsy..."DISAPPOINTED" would have been an apt epitath should I have passed away at that time.
What happened? Well I got meds for my anxiety for one, I did a lot of introspection, I decided to start doing stuff, CJ and I go out for lunch, I like to work in the yard. Sometimes we do stuff together, sometimes not...
Not sure if this helps Opt! But I agree that building in some fun/productive activities would be a good focus. When we're idle or doing boring "usual" stuff, the negative self talk can take over.
OK, lets do this in pieces. First, homework from Sage, my three good things today:
1. He told me ILY before I went to work 2. He called me at 4:30 to tell me he'd be late because he had to go to two other places 3. He remembered to go to Home Depot and get the hook to hang the bird feeder.
About the interests, Jackie, he used to like to exercise and also go to the movies. I got him interested in gardening and lately we have taken kayaking lessons (but now it is raining like crazy and we cannot get out). But we need to find some more...
And yes, Shiny, I do think he has some kind of attachment with OW still, but I am not sure of what it is. I want to think, with Bill, that he feels guilty and responsible.
Let's face it: he told her he loved her and wanted to marry her, that he was waiting for our D to be final (when he had not even filed and never did); he had her working in the office convinced that she was working in their bussiness when by law it was ours (Texas is a community property state); he took her to his family's house so that she gave his mother PT and letting her think that she was one of them while they considered that she was only 'his whore' and told him to 'dump her' behind her back (got that one from a good friend of his who was around); he finally moved in with her only because I kicked him out of our house and even then while he was attending her son's wedding he bought me a wedding band for my birthday; while living with her, he spent all his waking moments with me; and finally he left her only 5 weeks later EVEN BEFORE I KNEW for sure about the A; he was even going to counselling with me during that time to 2 counsellors at once!
When I learned about the A, I filed for D and he begged me not to, to give him and our M a chance, and he has been stalling for time since then. If he had wanted to marry OW, he would have done it a long, long time ago. Even before our D was born.
To add insult to injury she is 13 years older than I am, and considerably less pretty (modest me ), with less financial resources (believe me, I do not need my H to give me alimony) and more encumbrances (both familial and from her past). She does not even speak his mother language (a huge thing with him)-I do- and is in the other end of the political and religious spectrum than he is. Add to that the fact that her former H dropped her after 20-some years of M (he even sent her out of town so that he could change all the locks on her) and the picture becomes pathetic.
So based on facts, on his actions, not his words, I have to conclude that he does not want to marry her and maybe does not love her. If he did I would not have a chance. But that does not mean he loves me in return.
My WAD has a very clear reason. We used to spend the weekends together and even go with one another if we needed to work. Then I started working in the lab on weekends and next thing I knew we started spending a lot of time apart. When he started the A, he stopped spending time with me at all in the weekends and it only has gotten better since the S. He was not with her most of the time, but he used his work to be apart from both. So if he is not accountable for his time in w/e I panic.
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
Just popping in - I'm chewing on what you've posted. I think you're right that my original suggestion is a bad idea, if that's what contributed to the original distance, and I think you're on the right track as to planning some refreshing together time for the weekend. If it's more structured like "let's tackle the back of the yard" or something like that, then there'll be less time for milling around and feeling anxious. My W and I are looking at decorating ideas now and it's kind of fun - we're both invested in it and we're learning more about the other's likes and dislikes, and it's a totally different tangent that we've been on previously.
Oh, and the WAD thing made me laugh out loud, y'all. I too have had high expectations of the weekend and things I must get done - I think a major contrubtion to my stress and lack of flexibility that was a bit of an issue.
I agree with Pam, it sounds like you kept a cool head and spoke the truth as you know it when you had your talk. One thing that I am going to try with my H is to say "help me understand" when I don't get what he is saying. I hope to try it soon. Maybe it will get him to say more about his perspective and give me a chance to process his reason - and keep my mouth shut while he is explaining his reason. Maybe that would help next time the OW still working with H topic comes up. JMHO - I can't relate to the OW stuff all the time as I luckily don't have that in my sitch.
I can relate, however, to your H keeping something inside and then having it come out 5 years later. Much of what is going on in my sitch seems to have been festering for quite some time, unbeknownst to me of course!
Hey Opt and Pam and anyone else - there is a new thread on Newcomers about going dark when you've been there for years (by ms-Lucy) - sorry I forgot to link it here. Anyway, check it out - it really got me riled up as you will tell from my posts there.
Opt - you are great and give me hope. I appreciate your checking up on me - I hope to have more baby steps to report this week as my D8 starts hockey tomorrow night and I will get to be around H for a bit, not just pick up and drop off of kids. Cross your fingers for me.
Oh and hey - I agree with everyone about doing activities together that can keep your mind off everything so as you face the upcoming weekend - got any walls to demolish? Or paint? Or any other projects? And FYI - our house is only 12 years old, but my H always wanted that wall gone, and had convinced me likewise - and he hadn't done it, so I did it for me (and him if he comes back !)
How did your D do with her skating by the way?
Night!
totite
"Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative..."
so i am thinking here. does your hubby YOU THINK feel like some sort of hero for this woman? cause let me tell you, when men get into this "i gotta save her" mode, it's hard to break
Hello everybody. This thread has 189 posts now, so I asume they are fixing to lock it. I started a new one just in case. It is called No one said piecing is gonna be easy . Kitti's suggestion BTW.
Major development today guys. I have received a letter from my attorney saying that we have a dismissal hearing on Oct 15. I showed it to my H and he said: 'that's your thing, do whatever you want." So now the question is what do I want?
Do I let them dismiss the suit and take a chance on our M or do I file a brief to the judge asking for a postponement so that I can have some time to see how things go? I wish I could just forget it, but OW being still there does not help. On the other hand, I understand that piecing while the suit is hanging over his head may feel difficult for my H.
What do you guys think?
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
), with less financial resources (believe me, I do not need my H to give me alimony) and more encumbrances (both familial and from her past). She does not even speak his mother language (a huge thing with him)-I do- and is in the other end of the political and religious spectrum than he is. Add to that the fact that her former H dropped her after 20-some years of M (he even sent her out of town so that he could change all the locks on her) and the picture becomes pathetic. 
