We may have a chance after all

[optimist]

Thanks Pam and Bill for your support and suggestions.

So here's some unsolicited advice. It seems that a main issue right now is your anxiety, especially on the weekends. It's my fear that this may become a bigger issue and start to push him away again. Your feelings are valid - you've been hurt and you're very, very wary. But it sounds like this tension is getting to both you and him.

So, this is just my two cents - maybe you're focusing on him and OW too much? You're DBing focuses on you, and making you happy so you can bring that happiness, confidence, and security to the relationship. How about a 180 where, maybe next weekend, you say "I'm going shopping for the day" or something like that, "do what you want, I'll be back tonight." How would he react to that? I bet he'd be suprised and relieved. Come back home happy, ask him what he did, show him what you bought or whatever. Show him how secure you feel in the relationship (even if you don't act as if) and I bet it'll go a long way towards making you both feel more comfortable.

That is a very valid point and I agree with you that if I do not address it I am going to get us in trouble. But I am not sure about the way to address it.

One of the major things that got us in this mess is that I got too centered in my career and let him slip aside unnoticed (and I have to confess I even felt some relief that he stepped aside). So my being more independent might be counterproductive. That I do not need him has been a frequent reproach I have heard, so going on my own with my friends is not likely to get me any closer to him.

That said, you are right: I have been focusing too much on OW and plotting how to get rid of her and too little on myself. Maybe if I make plans to start working in the garden with him or doing some fun activities that do not remind him of the A... I will have to think about it.