Over the Shock and GALing 6

[MrBond]

Same as my W. She threatened to go to a L a couple of weeks ago and hasn't. But I did myself to get my facts straight.

I think deep down she's afraid and just can't get herself to pull the trigger. Your sitch and mine are very similar in that our Ws are at a crossroads. They've been threatening and doing what they want, and essentially walking all over us. But now that we aren't taking it any more and tell them to leave, they stop and get all sentimental and realize that sooner or later they are going to have to face the reality of everything they are doing.

I'm praying for you my man.

[aliveandkicking]

"I care about you"
"You are my family"
"I want you to be happy"

That is just beautiful. Would have killed me and given me hope even if it was begrudgingly. Let it sink in...

You are a mensch.

[aliveandkicking]

Your sitch and mine are very similar in that our Ws are at a crossroads.

They are also both dealing with depression IMO. They need help...

[Thinker]

Recently she has come to "You have been so horrible and I have been so miserable for so long and now it is too late. Too Little too late! You can read all of the self help books you want but it won't make a difference!"

[aliveandkicking]

Thinker, are you referring to something she said before or is that current??

Remember the spew Coacj referred to. She's gonna wig out...give a little time for it to settledown.

iPhone typos sorry

[Thinker]

It's something she has said a couple of times recently - including last night and again today. I see it for what it is, so it doesn't really bother me. It just tells me what she is going through.

I also know I wasn't that horrible etc, but it still get's my defenses up when she says it.

[AlexEN]

Recently she has come to "You have been so horrible and I have been so miserable for so long and now it is too late. Too Little too late! "

I heard this almost VERBATIM.

Thinker, I may have missed it, but you've said what you had to say to her, but why wouldn't you now go down the Mediation path concurrently with Retro (assuming she might still do it)? There will be nothing binding about either process. She may be swayed to work on herself and your marriage if you do Retro. She may not.

But, in the meanwhile, both you and she could come to a better understanding of what divorce will mean for your family which, in turn, may or may not sway either one of you one way or the other.

You can still "DB" at the same time (to the degree you are comfortable and engaging as @Greek and @Coach have suggested), but you'll also be exposing yourselves to the stark realities of what you can each expect to face (both with respect to co-parenting and finances) in a divorce.

You've established a boundary; you've made it clear life cannot go on the way it is. Your old relationship is dead. You can either build a new one with each other or you can move on separately. But if neither one of you is committed to that process, which you can still lead IF you are, then why put off the mediation?

-AlexEN

[MrBond]

"Recently she has come to "You have been so horrible and I have been so miserable for so long and now it is too late. Too Little too late! You can read all of the self help books you want but it won't make a difference!"

My W said some of that in the beginning. Now I just tell her that if she was that miserable, she could have just filed for D and that if she really didn't like the M, why bother "hiding" the OP? If the M was dead, she should have been flauting it. She shuts up after I say that.

She hasn't criticized any of my reading, even though I leave the books around. If she did, I'd just shrug and say "the books are for me not for you".

One thing I read in another website's MLC column was that a former MLC WAS said that when she was heading out the door to leave, her H told her "It's your decision to go or stay, but I am asking you to stay." At that point she realized that it was HER decision along with all the consequences. She then decided to stay.

I've used that line to my W and she hasn't made a move to leave at all.

[givingitmyall]

I saw that line too stuck. I think it is PERFECT.

[Thinker]

Update after this evenings MC session:

The session was relatively calm. We brought the C up to speed on the events of the last 24 hours, including that I had proposed starting mediation.

Things discussed and noted:

W is unhappy and blames the unhappiness on the R.

She equates "Working on the R" with "Committing to stay in the R for the rest of her life"

She said she does not want to get a D, but can't commit or even think about committing to stay in the M forever. (my thought bubble "I'm not asking you to commit to the M forever, just to work on it...")

She is ready to go to Retrouvaille.

There is a change in both my W and our C.

When I first brought up Retro, the C was lukewarm and didn't know what it was. His point of view was "No point if both parties aren't open to it"

My W's initial point of view was "No Way", and then Recently "I really don't want to, but I guess we are going"

Now they both have seemed to grab onto it like a lifeline.

The C has become almost a cheerleader for it - along the lines of "Come on guys, you only have to make it two months until Retrouvaille! You can do it!"

My W is now saying "I don't really know if it can help, but I'm curious to see how it goes"

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The registration form and check are now in the mail to Retrouvaille.