What a weekend...

[Sara]

I'm a strong believer in speaking the truth. And I also know that when there are not enough facts, people will fill in the voids with their imaginations. So, just the fact that the boys are making this assumption means that they were not given enough information. They need more info.

So why is your wife breaking up the family? Can she articulate it to the kids? It is her career goal? Is it that she thinks she can find a husband who will please her more? Did you do something "unforgivable"? Does she just want to live in a one-bedroom high-rise all by herself? I don't know the answer. Maybe even you don't know the answer. But the kids deserve a real answer.

And it doesn't have to be that Mom had an affair. They don't need to know everything about what she is doing. But if she has taken up dating, then she should own up to it. She should tell her children, "I want to go out on dates with other people." The kids deserve the truth. This is something that will stay with them the rest of their lives. They aren't going to forget that they were wondering what was the truth here. They are going to figure it out, maybe not this year, but someday. they may as well know now.

[aliveandkicking]

Oh Sarah, how does one get a guilty WAS to tell the "truth"???

[MrBond]

You can't tell a WAS to say something they don't want to.

I think Coach told me once that his silence was all the kids needed to understand that it was Greek's decision and not his. If they had questions after that, then Greek would have to answer them.

They'll lessen the blow to make them not seem like the bad guy, but in the end, the kids know in their hearts who was the one who is leaving.

[Sara]

For you, it would be harder. He is out of the house. But one still in the house can be strong-armed into a family discussion. My H knows if he doesn't participate in a family discussion, it will go on without him. So, if he wants input, he needs to provide it.

[aliveandkicking]

Ya, there's always potential for retribution and he said, she said...

I'm hoping to get more input on this today, otherwise back to the Child behaviorist.

[AlexEN]

Sara,

Echoing what A&K just said, our "truths" are different.

W's story is that we grew apart over time and weren't "connecting" the way married people "should" and, as a result, she doesn't love me the way she did when we got married. Her "truth" is that it was years and years of me taking her for granted and the culmination of "adult issues" having nothing to do with them. I have somehow held her back and it's time for her to do what she always should have done. That articulation, in the eyes of a child, is probably quite vague. She swears up and down that it isn't about OM2 and that that was "in her mind", but that she still needs to move on.

My "truth" is that, yes, WE took each other for granted, putting the children and other things in front of us, but it was by no means a toxic marriage. We EACH contributed to the "distancing"; we each always had to be "right", so arguments were rarely settled. I was distracted by my work; she felt trapped as a SAHM. She became distracted by the idea of building her dream house; I felt trapped having to work harder to make sure we could afford it. OUR priorities were out-of-whack. [The loooooooong version is in my very first posts back in November 2008].

But, can either of us articulate why the result SHOULD be a divorce? Dunno...

[MrBond]

There's never a good reason to D. All M can be saved as long as both parties recognize there was is a problem and tries to solve it. Simple as that.

It's kind of like working on a car that's not working. One person will roll up his/her sleeves to see what's the problem while the other person will look at it and just say it's not going to work any more and to get a new car without even looking under the hood.

The WAS tends to move in the path of least resistance. In this case, running away.

[Sara]

So are you saying there can only be one story? She will tell her story and then you can't have a different opinion. Is that because they are children and children can't understand that there are differences of opinion? Or why can't there be differences of opinion in a divorce?

[AlexEN]

So are you saying there can only be one story? She will tell her story and then you can't have a different opinion. Is that because they are children and children can't understand that there are differences of opinion? Or why can't there be differences of opinion in a divorce?

I'm not saying that at all... To me, NEITHER story explains why we must get a D... And, thus we haven't helped them to make sense of the inexplicable.

[MaryEL]

TO: Sara,
I am sorry to go on this thread as I dont even know what it is about. but... I was googling the Retrouvaille in Tampa and found some old threads of yours on this retreat... I am trying to coordinate going in August, and have loads of questions. such as Location, time frames etc. I started the pre-registration on tuesday but have not heard back. My husband is in another state and I am in another florida city. He has asked for a divorce but has agreed to go to the weekend. Needless to say I am very anxious to know if there is even an opening and if so, what time it starts and ends, so that I can buy his plane tickets to come. To assume I am a basket case would be correct any information you can give to me would be greatly appreicated..