Finally trying to move on without H

[beepee]

so feeling slightly better and a bit calmer now after a rough morning. listening to music to try and calm me down some more. havent eaten anything yet (totally lost my appetite after this morning).

my mind is still on him. everytime i go to do something, i cant seem to focus at all. all i think of his him and why hes acting the way he is. i have an interview tomorrow and i cant even focus on that!! im usually crazy a few days before an interview and i havent even cared at all today. havent really practiced anything. i know i should. ill give myself a bit more time and make sure im ready by the time i go to sleep tonight.

i just have to keep telling myself that if i kick a$$ at this interview and get the job, this will be the start of something great for me and will get me on the road to recovery a lot faster than if i dont get a job and move out.

so im going to try and clean my room and de-clutter it so that my mind is clear and then i can practice interviewing. NAD I MUST do my laundry as i didnt do it yesterday and shave my legs (yikes!) havent shaved them since the H left..how do i let myself go so easily just because of him? YOU'RE NOT GONNA GET TO ME ANYMORE D!! YOU'RE NOT!

[beepee]

ok im not doing well, im not doing well at all.
i thought i was going to be ok but i cant stop crying.
i cant stop. the pain is so much, i cant do anything to make it
go away, i cant think about the interview, i cant think about anything. im a total wreck and im so depressed right now. i really need a hug from him right now, i really need a hug from him. d, please make this go away. it hurts, it hurts, it hurts. i cant take this anymore.im trying but it nots working, i dont know what to do

[givingitmyall]

((((((beepee))))))

Really sorry. I know this is painful stuff. But you are stronger than this. Let it out, then get up and get outside - go for a walk, anything. Just give yourself a break from thinking about any of this while you are out.

[cire2]

beepee,

Might I suggest hopping through the shower, this way you can get those legs shaved and be ready for that interview. Also you refresh and can dress yourself up and go for a walk. This can be therapeautic.

We all understand how paralyzing this pain can become, but you must travel through this and not around. You WILL become stronger with time and a much more patient beepee!

When you take that walk can you mix in some food while you're out and about? Take care of you.

Hang in there!

cire

[beepee]

thanks guys, im going to listen to a song thatll get me motivated to do something, its working slightly. the crying has stopped, i went downstairs to look at the trees and feel the wind for a bit and that helped.

im going to calm down for a few more minutes and then take a long cold shower to try and take my mind off everything and then try on outfits for the interview. AND THEN practice interviewing! what a typical girl i am, worrying about my outfit first instead of worrying about how to answer questions! i will be ok. its always mornings and afternoons that hit me really hard. nights are always much better cause the day is coming to a close but i really need to change how i feel about that.
life isnt about waiting for the day to end. i should be happier waking up and feeling life and all its beauty.

i found an email that i wrote to my H when i first met him (i was backpacking around europe and sent him emails everyday). it made me cry because i was such a happy person and you could see it in the way i wrote and in the things i said. this is what i wrote and im going to read it every single day until i feel it again. i miss the way i used to be, and i dont want to miss it anymore. i just want to feel it and im going to do everything i can to get that feeling back.
this is what i wrote in an email to him while i was traveling in ireland.

“…so i was in some park today. gorgeous. mountains, lakes, waterfalls, deers, deserted land..i took a 2 hour stroll and there were times...when i was the only one walking on the road. i felt..free. i felt f*ckin exhilarated. and baby, when youre alone on a deserted road with the mountains and the lakes and the gorgeous sky and no ones around, what do you do? you dance. you dance like you never f*ckin danced before. and you sing while youre dancing. and baby...i sang a song. i sang a song that means so much to me. love will find a way. and it felt f*ckin great. words cant describe how f*ckin good it felt to be there alone and just look..just to see with your very own eyes, how f*ckin beautiful life is, how f*ckin gorgeous it is that im alive and breathing. nothing mattered then and thats what everyone gets so caught up with. things in life that get people down, it doesnt matter. if only people could see that it just doesnt f*ckin matter..."

sorry for all the curses..it was in the email and i didnt wanna take anything out! but i wanna feel that way again and i will and ill do what it takes to get there, no matter how many setbacks are headed my way, an i know there will be millions. but im determined to get my love affair with life back.

[Virtually_Handsome]

(((((beepee)))))

The good thing about that email is that it shows you that you were happy without him. You don't have to have him to be happy. A lot of us have forgotten that our happiness comes from inside us, not from other people. It's an important lesson to remember.

[beepee]

that is very true VH
but around that time i was backpacking, i had met him and really liked him so i sometimes associate that with how happy i was back then. but i wasnt with him for a whole month while i was traveling and it the most amazing incredible experience of my entire life.
that is why this email is so important to me. i went on a deleting rage earlier and deleted anything and everything that had his name on it and i stumbled across this and i couldnt bare to delete it because i know that if i keep the email close to me, print it out and take it with me everywhere i go, itll help me tremendously to bring back those feelings and to once again feel good about myself and how beautiful life really is.

[Virtually_Handsome]

What I see in the email is that you were sharing you happiness with him, not getting it from him!

[beepee]

yes, you are absolute right VH!!

[beepee]

so i have a question:

my H promised to send me some money last week and i havent gotten anything yet. he only lives an hour away so if he sent it would have received it a long time ago. i really need the money to pay for the bills he left me with..

is it a good idea to email him and ask him if he sent the money or if he is going to?