I think it's a great article and worth printing here:
Q. I am having an affair with a married man. We have been seeing each other for two years. He has three children. His youngest daughter is 11-years-old and he has told me that she is the reason he is staying in his marriage. I am finding it increasingly difficult to trust my lover. I get extremely jealous and frustrated and feel like I'm in limbo. Maybe he will never leave his marriage. The thought of him choosing his wife over me makes a part of me despise him and feel so hurt when I realise that I may not be important to him. Please help me to sort out my feelings.
A. Your beloved wants to "have his cake and eat it too." Yet, the two of you are playing a game in which everyone loses. Do not mistake "having a secret" with him for "intimacy." Your relationship is based on deception. It is not surprising that you lack trust.
You entered into this relationship with your eyes open. You had an opportunity to know that something major was wrong in your lover's marriage and that he was willing to "break the rules" of trust and partnership with his wife. This is more opportunity than his wife had in the situation. It is also likely that your relationship with him supported him to remain in the marriage, rather than get out of it.
You are right to believe that he, and not his wife, is responsible for keeping you apart. But you must also take responsibility for your suffering.Though it is natural to feel anger towards your lover, it is critical that you reflect on your own reasons for being willing to engage in this illicit love relationship.
Why do you feel the need to be in competition with another woman? Do you feel a special charge at being "chosen" over another? It is possible that you suffer from unresolved feelings about your relationship with your father, and unclear boundaries around your relationship to your mother. It is likely that you were caught between your parents in a manner that left you the "loser." Afterall, Mom is Dad's wife, so if there was unresolved sexual tension between you and your Dad, you would end up "losing" since you cannot compete with your mother.
Don't get me wrong. This "Electra" complex (feeling attractive to Dad as a daughter) is a natural one to work through in childhood. Some child psychologists refer to this natural development as the family "affair." The healthy resolution is for a daughter to feel that her father does see her as an attractive female, but acts in no way that implies she is in competing with his wife. Likewise, Mom acts in no way threatened by her relationship with her father. Psychological and physical boundaries remain intact between generations, and it is abundantly clear to the daughter that she will have a man of her own someday! This implies no need to compete to attain the "special" love you deserve. There is enough love to go around for everyone.
It is also possible that an undeveloped or abandoning relationship with your father could have set you up for feeling a need to be special. Numbness based on neglect could leave you vulnerable to a desire to "win" love through a dramatic competition.
Still, what would happen if you did "win" this man as your own? What would spark your passion when there was no more competition? How will you feel "special" to him? What would being together feel like when you are no longer love bandits together? How will your love affair change in the "open light of day"? in the humdrum of "ordinary" living? Also, consider that you have you may have your own brand of difficulty with intimacy and commitment that have been kept at bay because he was not really available to you from the start.
Take care of yourself. Get into your own individual therapy to get to the roots of your vulnerable attraction to the "false" intimacy of a love triangle. Consider your reasons for being attracted to a man who is unavailable to you and who you have to "win" to have in your life. Accept your responsibility in creating this conundrum. Take action to correct your own involvement in hurting others as well as yourself.
Your lover needs to concentrate on the marriage he is in, before he could possibly be available to create another. Seek to understand your needs and consider letting go of this doomed situation. Give yourself a chance to try a more direct approach to get the love you want. It is hard to ever truly enjoy a relationship that requires that your gain result in someone else's loss. The children, the wife, your lover and you all deserve better!
It is from one of Dr. Gayle Peterson's columns. She has also a web site www.askdrgayle.com full of excellent, no-nonsense advice on family and relationships.
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
Maybe you've said this already, but what reasons has H given for NOT getting rid of her?? He's got to know that he has to sooner or later... is he worried about legal implications?
Okay - I'll say this - Victoria's Secret ROCKS! I used to be one of those guys that would feel really awkward entering or buying things from that store. Well, as part of this whole process I've thrown away all my hang-ups. When things appeared to be turning around the first time (for a few days) I ordered W a bunch of stuff as part of an effort to demonstrate that I thought she was sexy.
You know what they did? They started sending me email... and catalogs... full of pictures of women in underwear... and each time I think "hmmmm... W would look good in this..." Smart people.
Well, as it turns out, the stuff I ordered was a little small, so W plans to wear it after some weight loss... well I couldn't help myself, and ordered her some more stuff just a little bigger...
SOMEDAY I'll see her in it... gives me something to look forward to... in the meantime, I just like knowing when she has it on...
Funny, how in the toilet our sex life was before... now I can't stop thinking of her in that way... hmmmmmmm...
Bill - you are too funny! I would love my H to order me some sexy stuff...maybe someday soon he will. He liked the one I modeled the other night!
Hey Optimist - I love the idea of a picture of the three of you. Do you really want to put it in a frame that she gave him though? I would donate hers to some cause and get one that has meaning only to the three of you. Of course, if you want to you can let it slip that the photo just didn't work in her frame...
Regarding your goal of spending more time together - how is that going? I look at my sitch before my H moved out and we didn't spend more than 10 waking hours in the same room let alone together, so I may borrow that goal from you when he moves back home - how is that for a PMA?
Your strength is amazing as are the words of advice from everyone here. Can't wait to join you all.
totite
"Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative..."
No, Bill, you did not say too much. My H seems to appreciate my new VS underwear (not much to wear, or for very long, though ) though he has not gotten to actually order some for me yet. It would be a cool idea. And remember, no W is going to feel insulted if you think she is actually a smaller size than she is. Would though if you buy her a larger size than hers...
As to my H's excuse, I did not believe it. But since you are my sounding board and main counsellor on Martian (male language I mean), there it goes. Last time we discussed why she is still there he said he does not want this (the A) to happen ever again and he has her still there because he wants to prove to himself that he can work with someone and not have an unappropriate R with her. That he sees my point, but he is doing this for him, not for me or OW. How does it sound to you. Bunch of balooney or some hidden male code of something my mother forgot to mention...
Thanks for the comment on the frame Totite. I think you are absolutely right. I will get a new one and put it on the wall myself.
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
Well, it doesn't make sense to me, but I'll tell you my guess as to what's going on.
I imagine your H is struggling a little with his self-concept at the moment; he's trying to rectify some of the wrongs he's done, and some of that is so he can feel good about himself again. So, when it comes down to being a good guy, he probably feels a little stuck in the middle. Does a good guy use a woman and throw her away (firing her from her job, for example)? No he doens't. A good guy also doesn't keep his wife in a state of insecurity, so he might be a little touchy about it. If I'm right about this, it has to do with his feelings about himself and not the OW. So, what he told you might be the closest thing to the truth he's able to say.
He's probably in a constant state of anxiety about it (perhaps what you've detected on the phone) and would feel a lot better, some closure maybe, if she goes. The good news is that this can't last forever - it's just not a stable situation. Either she's going to leave on her own, or will do something inappropriate to the point where he'll have to ask her to leave. In the meantime, it's an elephant in the room that nobody wants to talk about (how did I get back to having elephants in the house? Full circle...)
Well, I could be totally off on this, but that's my speculation. Hope it's helpful!
Thanks, Bill. I had thought about it that way, but it is not something I like: to me it seems he prefers not giving her pain and hurting me... Or he does not dare face what he has done: wimpy. It is a no win situation. And for stability: it has lasted 5 months so far... are we going for a million years? What is the world record? Is this an olympic sport?
To be fair to him: she has to pay her DD college tuition (OK my H pays for it) and has no license to practice in TX (she is a massage therapist, physical therapist or something). When she and I spoke about her future (she had just discovered that yes, my H had been using her and had never even started the D we were supposed to be going through. Though she had apparently suspected that for a long time... ) she told me she was going to renew her license in her home state and go back there (which would take her 6 months more or less). But what self-respecting woman would remain in this kind of situation. I know: bad question, I am still here
Anyway: example of my crazyness and his can do no good yesterday. H ends work in less than 4 h and even goes grocery shopping and for takeout. We spend the evening at home, watching DVDs (Bill you'd love our new TV) and I fall sort of asleep (do not rent 'Solaris', unless it is as a sleep remedy). Wake up and H is not there. He is in the study talking through his cell phone (not our home phone, despite poor reception). He has to go and do some more work. He offers to take us with him (in my car), drop us at B&N on his way, and pick us up when he finishes. He even calls me from work before coming back! And here I am thinking it was some elaborate scheme to see OW! He cannot win, can he? And this morning he left really early, before breakfast because we had planned to go dinosaur hunting later. But it is raining like crazy, so my ever-spinnig mind asks itself why did he leave so early? Where is he?
Thanks God I did not tell him anything and the posting is keeping me from paging him.
See, Bill, I knew the elephant would follow you home one way or the other
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
) she told me she was going to renew her license in her home state and go back there (which would take her 6 months more or less). But what self-respecting woman would remain in this kind of situation. I know: bad question, I am still here 
