Sorry SP. As much as I appreciate and really like your edits, they were mostly for naught. Sometimes things just move faster than planned.
W came home and asked to talk. I had been drafting the text - a cleaned up version of what was on the post above (without the last paragraph threatening D), mainly as a way to clear up my own thoughts.
I had a draft copy printed and was reading through it.
W saw it, and asked "What's that?" "Something that I was writing, but it is not finished yet," I said "and I am not sure if I want you to read it". "Nonsense," say's she, "If you wrote it, you want me to read it" - and grabbed it and did.
I wasn't going to wrestle her to try to take it away.
She read it and cried. We agreed not to talk about point 4. It was, after all, only a brainstormed draft where I was trying to figure things out - not intended for her. I told her that the main point was that I was ready to take concrete steps to improve things. What those steps were is something we would have to work out together.
After she cried for a while, maybe I rescued her, maybe not - but I did what I wanted to do. I took a pen, flipped the paper over, and wrote 3 lines on it:
"I care about you" "You are my family" "I want you to be happy"
and handed the paper back to her.
She cried a lot, but didn't talk much.
We agreed to continue the discussion at C later.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Of everything, I think it comes down to these two paragraphs that you wrote:
Quote:
We have a great family, and even though we're struggling now I really believe it's worth fighting for. Even if we just end up where we are, on the brink of divorce, I think it deserves our best shot. What do you think?
I'm here to say that I will do whatever it takes, regardless of where it leads. And I'm asking you: Can you do the same? For the sake of the kids, for the sake of everything we were? I've come to a place of acceptance, and I'm open to the possibility that, at the end of the day, we'll still wind up in divorce court. Can you open yourself to the possibility of the opposite outcome and commit to finding out which of those outcomes we get?
It's my D@mn Engineering training - always too direct, structured, orderly - can't get to the point because the details get in the way...
Last edited by Thinker; 07/16/0906:18 PM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
I like SP's edits. How you phrase things and using the proper word can help immensely. Until you are mentally and emotionally ready don't get too heavy. Know your boundaries but have a open mind to solutions that are healthy.
Quote:
So I think you need to be clear to yourself on this -- if W says "no" are you prepared to be the Agent of Destruction?
"Man, I wish we had one of those Doomsday Machines." -Gen 'Buck' Turgeson
Cheers Coach
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Sorry SP. As much as I appreciate and really like your edits, they were mostly for naught. Sometimes things just move faster than planned.
W came home and asked to talk. I had been drafting the text - a cleaned up version of what was on the post above (without the last paragraph threatening D), mainly as a way to clear up my own thoughts.
I had a draft copy printed and was reading through it.
W saw it, and asked "What's that?" "Something that I was writing, but it is not finished yet," I said "and I am not sure if I want you to read it". "Nonsense," say's she, "If you wrote it, you want me to read it" - and grabbed it and did.
I wasn't going to wrestle her to try to take it away.
She read it and cried. We agreed not to talk about point 4. It was, after all, only a brainstormed draft where I was trying to figure things out - not intended for her. I told her that the main point was that I was ready to take concrete steps to improve things. What those steps were is something we would have to work out together.
After she cried for a while, maybe I rescued her, maybe not - but I did what I wanted to do. I took a pen, flipped the paper over, and wrote 3 lines on it:
"I care about you" "You are my family" "I want you to be happy"
and handed the paper back to her.
She cried a lot, but didn't talk much.
We agreed to continue the discussion at C later.
OK. Wait for her response. No pressure and no expectations. Be prepared for her to cry, throw things, spew, get needy, be sorry and numb. (or none of the above ) How you react is what you want to be ready for. Steady and measured but with passion about what you have decided you want for your family. Don't be to stoic or hard. Compassionate, loving and strong is how you need to be. You can handle it. Just remember you wanted out of "limboland."
Coach
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
During the discussion, W said she had talked to OM3 (BF of BFF) and told him I had see the texts and was angry. She said that she had told OM3 that this couldn't happen again, that OM3 had apologized, and that he wanted to call me to apologize.
Not sure what I would say if he did. What I would like to say is: "Thank you for the apology. Coming on to a married woman like that is completely inappropriate. Please do not come near my home or my wife again."
I'd rather just ignore him. He has never been my friend, and he doesn't need to apologize to me. He needs to apologize to his GF BFF. If anyone apologizes to me it should be my W.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
I'd rather just ignore him. He has never been my friend, and he doesn't need to apologize to me. He needs to apologize to his GF BFF. If anyone apologizes to me it should be my W.
Concur.
(Of course, there is something to be said for a hearty "F*ck you and the f*ckin' horse you f*ckin' rode in on! Schmuck!")
Do you know why she was crying? Was it because she doesn't want a divorce and you are talking about one? Was it because she wants a divorce and you are roping her into reconciling? Or maybe there is another reason. It makes a difference.
Do you know why she was crying? Was it because she doesn't want a divorce and you are talking about one? Was it because she wants a divorce and you are roping her into reconciling? Or maybe there is another reason. It makes a difference.
I don't know.
She wouldn't and didn't say.
She does not want to seem to want a divorce - she seemed to backpedal whenever I mentioned a mediator.
I told her that I had talked to a mediator, just to find out what he did and how the process worked. She asked me to tell her about it, and when described the purpose and the process - an orderly and structured division of the life, assets, child custody, etc in order to dissolve a marriage, that is the first time she really burst into tears.
So I don't think she wants a D.
She wants to be happy. She wants to be free from responsibilities. She wants to not have to deal with me.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
