My question to you though is whether the reason you are able to view it now as a gift and your wife as your partner is because you have made so much progress in other areas and those resentments are gone? I still struggle with the resentments and lack of trust that things will really improve and I think that leads me to try to micromanage a situation like this, which ends up sabotaging it anyway. Is there a suggestion you would have for how to reasonably convey expectations, but then let it go? Or do you think it is better just to present it as a gift for her to take and deal with issues later as they arise?
You put your finger on the answer --> you recognize that trying to control and manage your spouse's behavior ultimately sabotages what you'd like to achieve, because your spouse will quite naturally fight and rebel against your efforts at control (regardless of whether your intent is in their best interest or not). It's human nature...YOU'D react the same way to a wife trying to control YOU.
I have found that two of the hardest lessons in changing a bad relationship into a good one are:
(1) The only person you can ever change is YOURSELF.
(2) In order to get something (from your partner), your best approach is often to stop grabbing for it, relax, and let it come to you (if it will).
So far, we've been asking you to step up to the plate and take risks, pursue your wife, be more assertive, stick your neck out and take a chance at rejection...over and over again. And we applaud your efforts -- well done.
Now, the second and harder part is to respond appropriately when the rejections occur --> I *still* suck at this much of the time. When the Integrated Man's wife passes up the romantic bubble-bath idea, he's able to be understanding ("She's had a long, hard day, and at this stage of our recovery, she is most likely to see it as *pressure* to perform, rather than relaxing."), and is able to see it more as HER lost opportunity to be with *him*, rather than the other way around ("Alright then. Your loss, babe."). You took a chance and offered an invitation, but she brushed it off, so you shrug and move on to other opportunities.
Ultimately, CB, that's ALL you can do: make changes to yourself, and offer her invitations to join you. The rest is up to her.
-- B.
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
