Try not to think too much!! It makes you crazy....I speak from my own crazy soapbox and experience.
Some ideas.....puzzles. Bowling. Is there a family friendly restaurant? Walking, tennis, and believe it or not, Wii. I would think of something where you can interact and talk if one of them feels they need to. Plus something H can be jealous he's not a part of. So let H know whatever new hobby for the family you decide on....and really, it could be all of the above, so that if he wants to join in, that works for all of you.
Getting away sometimes.....it's exactly what the DB doctor ordered.
Ab-so-nu-ta-lee, as my mother would say Absolutely. Her fortune teller, also a Buddhist told her H would be home by the time it was cold. And I don't know if that means literally home or back in the marriage. So far, that seems to be on track despite my often having the feeling that he could really use a quick swift hard kick to some part of his body.
Before, the biggest prediction.....same fortune teller....I was in between jobs as a news reporter. My contract ended, I didn't want to resign. I was jobless, sending out resume tapes like a mad woman. I went to Tampa to visit some friends. I had sent a tape to another city in Florida. While visiting, I went to interview for a job in that city. Didn't have super high interest in it, but interviewing is always good practice. So I went. The fortune teller tells my mother to tell me: Say no to the first job offer which was a bureau job....he said I would not be happy in that particular bureau. But he said the man interviewing me would call me in less than five days with another offer. Fortune teller said YOU HAVE TO TAKE THAT JOB YOU HAVE TO BE NEAR THIS NEW BOSS....HE'S THE KEY TO ALL YOUR HAPPINESS. My mother tells me this. I smile say OK Mommy! I get there. He offers me the bureau job. I turn it down. Not because of the fortune teller's advice but because I didn't want it and I wasn't desperate yet. Three days later, boss calls me, job in that city with a great news beat. I take it. I get here September 19. I start work a few days later. Tropical Storm Isadore is coming to the coast nearby. Boss tells the morning weather guy "Hey, I hate to ask you this but would you mind pulling another shift to do live shots for the early evening shows from the coast?" Morning weather guy says "Sure, I'll do it." Boss says "Ok, I'll make it up to you. You can drive there with the new reporter. I know you're going to like her." So my boss introduces me to my future husband and went out of his way to have us meet otherwise, it might have been quite a long while since we worked very different shifts. I told my mother after meeting my future boss "No way is this guy part of my future happiness. He's married with two kids and seems very happy about all of it." My mother told me to just take the next job when he called. So I did, and wa-lah! Then there's been other smaller things....but another biggie....my child would be a boy. I was positive it was a girl, but he was right again. He also said there would be something unusual about his appearance.....maybe he grows out if, maybe not. Our S has red hair. Neither of us do and not sure where he got it exactly but he looks just like H, so there are no questions!!
I don't know if it's real, the fortune teller, or if he's just been very very lucky in my life and predictions. It could also be the power of suggestion.....not sure, but I will admit, I do take him seriously.
Personally, I think that is cool. I don't question where the information comes from. When it is right, it is right. Thanks for sharing.
I was surprised when you said Tampa. I am just outside of Tampa myself. No I won't ask and I don't do FB. The great thing about this board is anonimity. But having been all over the state, I do think we are in one of the most underrated areas of all.
Oh yes, the kick in the where ever they may need it feeling. I get that one a lot LOL.
Last edited by cat04; 07/16/0906:03 PM.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
From what I read, I think your hubby moved out before he started the EA. Are you to the point that you feel you can trust him again? I am not sure if I will ever get back to that point.
If I were a friend looking at my situation, I would tell me to run away and fast. Why do we not do that?
Kelly
M:38 H:42 T:20 M:19 D:18 S:17 MLC: Sometime in 2007 OW Bomb 1: 12/28/07 OW Online relationship 2: Spring 2009 Told him I wanted D: May 10, 2009 D final: 07/09/11
My H and I were having emotional problems. In recent weeks, he's really opened up and told me his problems and what hurt him. I think we tend to forget during our pain what we did to get us to this point. So it's been hard, but I hope in the long run, great for me to hear this from him. He missed the affection. I remember I stopped being affectionate after gaining 60 pounds with my pregnancy. I looked and felt horrible. And I will give him credit, he always made me feel beautiful. My image issues were always in my head, NEVER his eyes. But he said it stopped BEFORE I even got pregnant. While I don't remember it that way, I know and do believe he does and that's what's important, so I don't even try to argue with him, I just accept what I did and hope he can learn to trust me again. I hope I can teach him that being affectionate with him is a priority to me and I've learned my lesson.
So yes, H did leave before he started the EA, (he and I have gone round and round on this and no longer do so) but I think he had his eye on her because it turns out, she was emotionally needy too and in a bad spot in her relationship which ended with her stuff in trash bags on the front lawn with the locks changed.
I'm not sure if we can trust each other again. But sure as hell mean to try to get to that point again. I figure if I can die for my son, I will give my whole soul to learn to trust him and hope to teach him to trust me.
As far as standing back and looking at your situation....when we are younger and a lot more stupid, we have our "game plans", what we would do in certain situations. "If my husband cheats, he'll come home to find his stuff on the lawn." Right? Well, then it really happens. And there are so many circumstances that surround situations like this, it's hard to really say that's what you would do. And let's say you go through with that game plan. You throw him out. You meet someone knew. He cheats on you too....then what? Same plan? New plan? Who knows?
I love this particular husband. So I figure working it out is what I want. If it doesn't though, every day I get to a better place to deal with that possibility and I think it has to do with the fact that I know I'm trying with my whole heart. If it were to fail, I could still hold my head high.
If your friends or family tell you to run, it's because they love you and think D will end your pain. It might not. There are plenty of people happy after divorce after a time of healing. But there are some and I believe more who regret it.
I don't want regrets. Neither do you. You can forgive him and he can forgive you. Walk with me Kelly23! What the he!! else do you have to do right now? I'd love the company.
So, now you are learning what things made your h unhappy with the marriage. Good.
I am sure there were things that made you unhappy, too. So, now you need to take all the info and make the changes.
While I know, ultimately, we are all here with the hope of saving our marriages, this really is a way of living your life the best way you can.
But, you can only do the work you need to do on you. He has to begin to look inside himself and do what he needs to do and you cannot do it for him.
So, own the stuff that's yours. Let him own his. I am glad you two are not going around in circles about whether he cheated or not. You and he both know the answer to that. No need to beat a dead horse.
You need to let that go because it will keep feeding the anger.
Remember that there is no quick fix to this. The EA was a symptom of other issues that need dealing with.
But, I think you are getting a good handle of the stuff that needs fixin' for you.
Oddly, I feel so much better after yesterday's events. And I've never felt better about letting certain things go now. I understand you though, there are some things we will have to face and work on in order to really make this work, but there are other's we can let go of and my list just got a lot shorter, so all good things there. Thanks for checking on me.....I know you got a lot going on too.
adb, I want to walk with you but am not sure if I have the strength anymore. I want to give up. I wish I had your determination.
I flew to NY a few years ago with a male I work with and the two of us stayed with a male gay couple that we had went to college with years ago. We are all 4 friends and husband said he did not want me to go but was not going to tell me what to do since I was an adult. (Husband is homophobic.) I went. It was selfish on my part but I knew I would never have the opportunity again.
It came up in our argument this week and I really think husband has held that grudge for years.
Before H started hanging out with people at his work that I think were a bad influence on him, he would go out with my friends and I really miss that. I have asked him the last 3 times I had an outing to go to and he declined.
M:38 H:42 T:20 M:19 D:18 S:17 MLC: Sometime in 2007 OW Bomb 1: 12/28/07 OW Online relationship 2: Spring 2009 Told him I wanted D: May 10, 2009 D final: 07/09/11
You're welcome. Listen, all we can do is offer our opinions. Ultimately, it is up to you to decide what is best for you. If you feel better, that's great. I hope it turns out the way you hope.
I will tell you this, having been here a long time. If your h is in MLC, this is a long road. The very best thing you can do is to step back and let him walk it.
So, now that that is over and done with, you can continue working on you. Let her blow in the wind.
I tend to agree with Mach, my H is not full blown MLCer. He and we just have issues to work on and some of his actions were very very MLC-ish, but ultimately, he's probably not full blown, but he does have some traits so it gets confusing.
