Thought I would respond to your question over on Neal's thread here.
I knew she was breaking down because over her confusion because she was telling me how she did not know what to do while she was loosing it. I just held her, she then said, should we just give it 6 months and see how it goes because she knew I would eventually go back to the same ole Burt.
I said, do not give me a time limit, I have changed for myself, I never want to go back to the old me, if you give me a time limit, that means I just have to last until that time, then I can go back. So, there are no time limits, if you see that I have slipped back into the old me, then that is on me.
Had a blow up last night. She was mad that I wouldn't stand up for her, I pointed out that if you want things from me, I need things from you. Your choice, if your not in this with me, your in this alone. I told her I will help her build a resume, so she can get a decent paying job and a place of her own. The only way we will solve anything at this point IMO is if she can miss me and the life I have given her. I had a pretty good coaching session this morning, and I learned a lot about the person W has become after her blow up last night.
Well, W left early again to go meet up with OM......At least I pinned her down to not being shady about and made her admit to it. Can't stop ya, but ya don't need to lie to me.
Oy vey. I'm sorry about that but listen....statistically speaking....the OM will blow up. It will end horribly and I speak from experience. Just wait it out and don't ask questions if you can control yourself. I had a hard time with that in the beginning. I wanted H to just tell me that he wanted to be with her so I could get the hell on with my life...he never gave me a clear answer...almost like he knew it wouldn't end well either.
Awhile back I moved out, with our S, forcing H to move back into this house. Lots of people here gasped as if I said I want to save my marriage so I filed for divorce. It wasn't a popular move but some did support me and so did my DB coach. She broke it down perfect: You've been a doormat up to this point. Now you've grown a backbone, showed it to him and it turned him on....made him remember the you he fell in love with.
And I think she was right. I had been the doormat for SO long and SO scared. It was the first thing I had done for ME and really for me. H was shocked, tried to stop me, but I left. He moved back in. Ironically, that first weekend after I moved out he and I had our first real talk, where he opened up to me and really let me in on somethings. I saw that as our first positive turn in things.....don't get me wrong, we hit plenty of more bumps along the way.....but I felt good about me.
And yes, him without us in this house alone did impact him in a good way in that he first glimpsed life without us.
Not telling you to do this, but I think it's possible it could work. But you have to weigh it all out. If you think this will just give her more freedom to go super nutz, maybe not the best move.....your call.
My gut says she will move out in the next or so at most. And I belive she needs to in order to miss what she has there. I know what I have to offer, and I know he has nothing to offerexcept for himself. He has nothing, and I am saying honestly. Not saying that as a bash. He owns a truck. That's all.
