I made the same sort of mistake when my wife first became a SAHM 17 years ago. A part of me resented the fact that she got to stay at home on an endless string of what to me were "days off," while I continued to bust my tail on a long-hour, high-stress job. So I started checking what she did, critiquing her day, and in essence, started picking up all of the same old domineering habits that my father had (and that my mother resented terribly). Wrong move on my part.
Nowadays, I treat my wife's ability to be a SAHM (if *she* so desires) as my gift to her. Stop. It doesn't come with subordinate strings. No covert contract. She's free to do with her days what she likes, and I don't micromanage it -- I trust her to do her job while I do mine. If something gets out of hand or some responsibility of hers doesn't get met *then* we'll talk about it, but the important thing there is to be part of the solution -- step in and help right the situation -- again, partners...not supervisor/subordinate. [quote=Bagheera]
B: Thanks and I hear what you are saying, I really do. I think my instincts were telling me that you are correct on this and that is why I posted my thoughts on the board to begin with because deep down I knew this to be true. My question to you though is whether the reason you are able to view it now as a gift and your wife as your partner is because you have made so much progress in other areas and those resentments are gone? I still struggle with the resentments and lack of trust that things will really improve and I think that leads me to try to micromanage a situation like this, which ends up sabotaging it anyway. Is there a suggestion you would have for how to reasonably convey expectations, but then let it go? Or do you think it is better just to present it as a gift for her to take and deal with issues later as they arise?
CB
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
