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I agree, she (by the way it is conveyed) is really off balance and needs medical (not a psychologist) help immediately.

Burt

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Seriously I think the next time she threatens to kill herself you need to dial 911. They will hold her for a psy evaluation and she could possibly get the help she needs. Do this out of love.

She could possibly suffer from a borderline personality disorder or bipolar disorder.

Do not agree to not bring up the affair- EVER. Heck I would go so far as to tell her that you will follow the advice of an attorney but it's unreasonable for her to think her lifestyle wouldn't change in the case of a divorce. That naturally she'll need to get a real job like everyone else- and that she doesn't deserve alimony in the first place- but that's just me and I'm not a proper DB anyway.

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neil, are you reading all of our responses? I have given you several suggestions of "what to say" about the kicking out of bed thing and about the alimony/affair issue.

I used to work for a divorce attorney as well, so I hope you will go back and read my responses. I don't want to bother to keep typing them out if you aren't reading them.

DQ

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I appreciate everyone's advice:

- I know the I'll kill myself stuff is not normal, sounds like a cry for help. I told her if she ever did that again I would call 911.

This morning before she went to work it started all over again. It was pretty bad.

She again asked about not bringing in the affair--begged me, got angry, etc.

Said how sorry she was about the affair, but she doesn't deserve to be left penniless.

Said she wanted to rip out her vag*** and brea***. Blamed OM, blamed me.

Then (and this gets weird) initiated sex with me. I scheduled another phone coaching session today. I don't know how to handle all this.

I know I am going to continue to face the "why can't you just agree to not bring up the affair in court" question from her.

I am also going to face a MC next week who is going to recommend a "collaborative divorce"

Ugh!

Last edited by lowneil; 07/16/09 03:26 PM.

Me 38 / W 37
M 14 yrs
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Second Bomb: 6/4/2009 PA
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Originally Posted By: DanceQueen
neil, are you reading all of our responses? I have given you several suggestions of "what to say" about the kicking out of bed thing and about the alimony/affair issue.

I used to work for a divorce attorney as well, so I hope you will go back and read my responses. I don't want to bother to keep typing them out if you aren't reading them.

DQ


No, it certainly doesn't seem like he's listening, does it.

Puppy

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Puppy-

I've got the kicking out of bed response down.

My main problem is she is not going to let this thing go about divorce/affair. It's every moment that she and I are together.

I've got your response and I am using it:

"it's pointless to talk about what I will or won't do if we divorce, when I don't even want a divorce. And if it ever did come down to that, I'd probably be following my attorney's advice anyway, so can we please drop this?"

She's not dropping it. But, I will keep saying it.


Me 38 / W 37
M 14 yrs
S 11/S8
First Bomb: 3/6/2009 EA
Second Bomb: 6/4/2009 PA
Same House
Separate Rooms
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Neil what about my response to you about that question? Did you read it?

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i have to ask, if everything you are telling us is true, have you been holding this affair over her head and rubbing her face in it recently? have you threatened to divorce her and fight against alimony prior to the bed incident?

this is just me, but i have dealt with a wife having an uncontrollable anxiety episode, and you are not in the perfect response stage. you might consider picking her up from work and taking her to a doctor pronto. she needs to calm down and so do you right now.

what did she do last night instead of sleeping? pace around the house? drink and chain smoke? lay in the quest room and cry and swear at you? are you leaving her alone?

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DQ-

Yes, thank you. I used your response too. I told her if she wanted to talk about D and R that we could do it at our next MC appointment.

Steve-

Except for two episodes: one when I found out about the affair, and one two weeks ago when I finally allowed myself to get angry and deal with the affair. I haven't beat her up about it.

I only mentioned one time to her that: "By the way, in the event of an affair, _________ courts don't give alimony".

That's it.

I did find out yesterday that she was contacting attorney's trying to set up a consultation. I think that is why she brought it up yesterday. So she could feel comfortable that she would get enough alimony to be comfortable.

After our R/D talk last night, I guess she went to bed.


Me 38 / W 37
M 14 yrs
S 11/S8
First Bomb: 3/6/2009 EA
Second Bomb: 6/4/2009 PA
Same House
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Be careful with sex and check with your attorney. In my former state if you have sex after the discovery of an affair in the courts eyes they take you having sex with the wayward spouse as approval of the affair.

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