Okay, back from vacation. As soon as plane landed tears welled up in my eyes and by the time I got home I could not stop crying. It was so empty to come home to H's rejection and go back into this roller coaster hell life again.
Of course, H was just fine. I told him that I was not on board with D and would not be going along with his D schedule. Also, I told H I would not drive him anywhere to help start his new life. H indicated I could go away for the weekend H wants to leave and H would have his friends?? come and pickup him up and load the car. I told H I was going nowhere and did not want his friends?? to come into our home.
However, I did drive H to his vasectomy, stay through the procedure and drive him home and make him something to eat. I also am working in his place so he can rest. The nurses at the Hospital just thought my H was so funny and really the whole process was nauseating. They said his vitals were so good he must be a runner. Just what he needed to hear, feeds into his ego... Of course, the night before the vasectomy I also cried and explained to him that not only does my H want to D me but H has also now made an appointment to make sure that I know H does not want to have kids with me. I also told H that once Vasectomy is done H is free to run around and be free with all the potential beautiful ladies in Montreal. H of course, did not understand how any of this could make me feel. In fact, H said I know I am the [censored], blah, blah, blah. H also said see this is why we just need to split because this endless back and forth is just too hard. Those comments no longer bother me, so I kept hitting him over the head with it until he finally just said do you want me to cancel the appointment? I replied hey, don't start taking me into account now... So all went well, H was a hit with nurses/doctors and I just sat there and took it over and over again. He also said I never said I did not want to married to you anymore as the D papers were about 2 feet away from us as were talking/arguing. No doubt more words just to confuse.
Since I have been home for a couple of days H has not mentioned D at all, but no doubt he needs to heal from vasectomy and needs my full attention so no doubt that won't be brought up again for another couple of days. I know it will have to fit his schedule of needs. And, H reminded me last night that when we got home from Hospital that I left him alone for 2 hours without checking on him. He indicated that I used to always pay more attention to him, but of course, no understanding why those doting/loving acts may have waned.
I am back on the wagon and will talk no R anymore, but I am completely exhausted/frazzled. If H talks no D than I will pursue no D and have decided instead to go look at a new place to rent for myself, because H has given no indication whatsoever his plans have changed. I am going to say on Saturday very casually I am going to look at a couple of places to live when he leaves. Have decided I am not staying here either (not really sure) but don't want him to think I am going to stay here with all our stuff while H packs a few things and takes off.
Is this a good strategy?
Also, frazzled because I have our nephew, age 7, coming August 2nd for a week (has been planned for months); and, I don't know what the hell I can expect from H. H is going to need to cover for me at work and I would hope be good to my nephew. On top of that, I am sure my mother will be coming and that adds another layer of disfunction. I am so anxious and just never no what to expect one moment to the next.
I know no R talk is the right thing to do; but, at this point I just want to give him an ultimatum either he enters counseling or he moves out immediately. On the other hand that is not realistic because we work together and our job is tied to our condo, etc. This living in a make believe world has caught up with me and I do intend to Detach but man is this so difficult. I am living so many lies, lying to myself and wondering why would I want someone in my life who makes me feel like this? What if H doesn't leave than what, if he won't agree to counseling, what's left? Will he drive me to D? How do/did you guys overcome this stage of MLC?
Help?
Michele
M 42 H 41 M 16 yrs. Together 20 yrs. 1 cat, no kids Bomb 5/16/09 D papers on kitchen counter, staring me in the face but unsigned
