What a weekend...

[AlexEN]

Carlos,

And you think telling him that it is even more difficult for you to be friendly (or friendy as @Smiley would say) with her because she had inappropriate friendships with other men would be harmful to him in what way? Would it not be truthful? Would it not help him make more sense of the situation? It need not be expressed as ill-will; it isn't d*mning, but it is factual. Stated in the negative; isn't it possibly more unhealthy for him not to have enough of the story to make sense of it?

I guess my perspective is a bit different on this issue...since I tend to see my STBX's affair and EAs as symptoms of her unhappiness. My S12 already has so many misgivings about my STBX, that I don't think knowing about OMs would make much of a difference...of course, my sitch is different...since she's not his mom.

This has long since been the question I wrestle with most; it had been dormant, but with the finger feeling as if it is pointed back at me, it takes on some new significance.

I come back to what I've heard again and again; children need to be able to make sense of the situation in order not to blame themselves. To the boys, given what they've heard, the story that they've come up with to make sense of it all is that they "know Daddy did something really bad" as the explanation for why Mommy won't forgive him (give "Daddy a second chance") and has decided to get a divorce.

When you think about it, it's a very plausible explanation and the one they've come up with to "make sense of it" absent a more complete story.

At some level, this ties back to @Smiley's post to @Thinker this morning citing The Dance of Connection and which I hope I am not citing completely out-of context:

...the author does make this point: Divorce is okay (in her POV), but only if you're fair about it. Granted, I take exception to a lot there, but her definition of "fair" is, well, fair -- full disclosure.

Hiding, denying, trying to put things back on the H -- that's not being heard, she says, it's not having a voice, and it's not fair. So I'll take that nugget and disregard her casual acceptance of divorce -- if WAS is going to divorce us because the R hasn't been to their taste, because we haven't "been there," or whatever, I see no reason why WAS should hide information. Hiding implies guilt, a need to hide. As the author writes, if you're going to mess up someone's life (and maybe some childrens' lives and maybe your own life to boot), at least have the guts to be open and fair about it.

In the meanwhile, it feels that what she writes in these journals back-and-forth with the kids is leading to parental alienation... of me. I realize it isn't intentional and that it's her own way of dealing with this sitch, but the observable outcome is unacceptable.

-AlexEN