Still Wondering How To Handle Things!!

[Sanderika]

kissak,

Your H doesn't want to let go because he still loves you all. Unfortunately he still doesn't realize what it is he wants. It's only through more time and patience from you along with treating him with respect and friendship that he will see through his problems. He is watching you and is still afraid to succumb to his real feelings. He still needs to be left alone to navigate his way only helping him when he reaches out to you.

When my H calls I always greet H will a very friendly "Hey hello, how are you doing today or how's your day going or so what are your plans for today or how's your week so far." H is immediately put at ease and then the conversation starts to flow. Yes, H carries on more about himself, it's really about getting him to feel comfortable and realize I am not his enemy.

The flat tire situation yesterday was a chance to engage in a further conversation about H.

H: I had a flat tire today.
K: Oh that's too bad, I hope you weren't on the highway.
H: Says where it happened.
K: Engages further that it was either a lucky place to have a
flat or again it's too bad it happened there. Saying
sorry for his trouble with a flat.
H: Says something in agreement.
K: Do you know what caused the flat?
H: Picked up a nail.
K: Well at least it only needs to be plugged and you won't
need a new tire. Again, sorry it happened.
H: Thank you.

H mentioned the flat to receive some sympathetic attention from you.

You see a conversation can be carried on as long as there is a desire. I know this topic is trivial. Trivia will lead to lengthier topics providing the trivial ones go very well. Once the trivia is out of the way conversation can be continued onto another topic of interest to H. Generally it's got to be all about H for quite a while.

I listen and search for a comeback so I can offer a valid response that provides H with care and concern for his woes or validates H ideas or sympathizes with his latest problem.

As you practice it gets easier. As you converse they become more open to include you in more of their day to day. I never offer my goings on or plans. H has to ask about me to get more. No asking no getting.

For instance I have been given a job offer. I have not told H. H doesn't need to know anything about me. The way I see it, it's all about him. He doesn't truly deserve to know more about me until he is out of MLC Land completely and has a genuine desire to be a part of my life.

Now for the TKD classes. IMO it should be son's choice. Son is 8 yrs old and at this point he has taken them long enough to realize if he likes it or not. Under no circumstances can you give H the idea that you are stopping them for your own reasons. I understand the reason you don't want to continue (H sees OW there) to attend with son. You must protect your own emotions and reasons here. H is only wanting to continue because it offers him another avenue to see OW.

It would be nice right now if son would like to try a different activity in place of TKD.

I would tell son it is his choice 100% and you won't force him to go if he doesn't like it anymore. I would then tell H: "TKD is up to son 100%. I will not force son to engage in an activity he no longer wants. Son tried it and that is all that is important, at least we gave him the opportunity to try it." If H still wants let H then ask son what he wants. Son will say he doesn't want to go anymore. H will be powerless to force son to go.

H will look like a big meanie to son if he tries to force him and he doesn't want that. You can then call H to the carpet and ask why is it so important to him son continue with TKD classes. He won't be able to state the real reason so he will give up the fight.

I would work with son to come up with a new activity for him. Swimming, guitar, little league, basketball, hockey, soccer, science.....there's lots of stuff. If H sees you trying to give son a new opportunity he will know you are being a good mom and have respect for your stated reasons to stop TKD.

I think your H still wants back in thus the contact using a very nice mannerism. He is scared, he wants to be reassured this time things will be better. It's like the engine is running, the car is still in park.

Keep posting....take care, my friend,

Sanderika