Still Wondering How To Handle Things!!

[kissak]

Tips on weight loss??? well the best thing that has worked for me is just watching the calorie intake. If you just take a couple of days and actually right down everything you eat and how many calories you have, well you would be in shock! I was. So, Basically I dont go over 1,000 calories a day...when I get where I wanna be I will go up to 1,200. IT just takes some time and lots of self control...and it also helps me take my mind off other things.

Also, I took my son out of tkd for my son. The flirting my H was doing there was just the push I needed. Of course I did not do it for him. It helps me not to see him so much. I had to take him off my FB...of course he hasnt noticed, if he has, he probably wanted me off of there anyway, because he hasnt said anything. Im much better when I dont know what's going on in his life....now the only thing i hear is what my children tell me when they come home, which hurts, but I have to deal with that.

I do still text him...but only to respond to him most of the time. I just dont think I would be able to cut him out completely. I can only do that when Im mad anyway!

Im so excited to say Im going on vacation with my friends the weekend after next!! To the beach we go!!! A whole weekend with no kids or H's!! yay!!

[kissak]

NOthing much going on today...which is good I guess.

I went to get my drivers liscense renewed today. I was so glad to have a new pic on it...I have lost about 50 pounds since the other was taken...Made my day!

H is quiet today...heard from his this morning. He said he had gotten a flat tire on the way to work this morning.

Wonder when he will see all the troubles he is going through and be able to connect them in anyway to what he has done?

Living in a camper with the littlest luxuaries, truck keeps breaking...tires keep falling off, spending loads on the truck, No money in the bank, living to pay off all his credit cards that he has now. Im living on what I make and his child support, in HIS house, driving HIS vehicle, going on vacations, etc...

I cant complain too much. I have it pretty good. I am blessed and thank God for it every day!! I pray he will open his eyes soon and see all that God has for him and how he can be blessed. NOt with stuff, but the peace that God offers.

Having a good day....headed out to church for the evening.

[kissak]

Went to prayer meeting at church tonight....Preacher's sermon was from a passage in Psalms....

"Be Still, and know that I am God"

Just the sermon I needed to hear.

[mdoodles]

u sound good today, atleast one of us does...lol

[Sanderika]

Hello kissak....

IMO your H is thinking about you a lot.

Why else tell YOU his day to day goings on.....(?) (!)

My H recently told me he values and respects the conversations we have because they are logical and constructive. He considers it a pleasure to talk to me.

Another point he made was that the OW is not and never has been one he can converse with. He hates it. She is apparently a conversation disaster. She fires off one question after the other so fast that none can be answered. When it appears she is through and H says he tries to answer one she starts in again. They never discuss anything because she won't shut up. Most of what she says is all about her too. His solution has been to withdraw and say nothing, he shutsdown completely. He is a very stubborn man and nothing means nothing. To which she then gets PO'd at him. He doesn't enjoy her.

We had a 4 hour conversation this week face to face and this is one of the things he confessed.

He further went to say, he respects me for my conversations in that I always am interested in his topics. I offer valuable comebacks and am very kind and friendly. He respects my ability to listen as well. He said this is a major relationship criteria for him and is one of the things that has kept him from going through with a D.

I might be talking out of turn here....Ramp up the conversations.
Engage H further in his conversations. Let him call you and bring up a topic, expand the conversation to prove to H you are interested and here for discussions with him. By being engaging with H it might bring him around and he will see you aren't the enemy. I do believe that to bring them out of MLC Land we have to be someone H enjoys company with. With time the rest will follow.

Baby steps with a PMA from you will make him sit up and take notice. Remember he is always watching you. My H told me that this week too. He is watching even from a distance. It's your actions he is keeping track of when he's with you and when he's not.

Another thing don't let H see your anger or annoyance with him. Take it out somewhere else. It might seem phoney, it's not really....it's all about being that desireable greener grass. The place of comfort to H.

Just some of my opinions and thoughts....

Take care and have a marvelous weekend at the beach!!!!!!!!

Come back refreshed and with some new approaches and ideas.

(((((Hugs, kissak)))))

Sanderika

[kissak]

Sanderika,

I know that I am never far from my H's thoughts. He thinks about me alot. He texts me through out the day just to say hey, or asks what Im doing. He wishes me a good morning and good nights, and even to have a good day. He looks at my MYspc page quite often, even though its blocked just to see my status and somedays even comments on it by asking something pertaining to it, just to get me to talk about it...I dont get it.

If you want out of something, why not just walk away and move on?

But the thing with my H is that I cant seem to carry on conversations that well with him....its like we have nothing talk about anymore because he doesnt share too much with me anymore.

He did have a talk with our son about quiting tkd classes. H told son that he can just take this week off because there was no classes anyway and that he would go back next week! My son told me this in front of H and all I could say was that if he hasnt liked it after taking it for 2 years, a week is going to do nothing...he took off longer than that during baseball season. My H just looked at me like that was his decision.

I hate to tell him, but our son is not going back if he doesnt want to. I just dont know how to say it....If infuriates me to think that HE is going to have final say here....or he thinks he is...Well, I really wanna tell him that he does NOT live with us anymore, he is NOT the man of the house anymore, so he will not have final say in this. He has given his opinion and i have given mine and I think it should be left up to our son...it is something for him, so why shouldnt he have the choice?

Now, I just have to figure out how to tell him in a nice way that will keep the peace within. Any suggestions?

He did text me this morning to wish me a good morning, but I didnt answer because I was still asleep...so he called me about 30 min later to see why I didnt answer, he didnt know if I had overslept. Wanted me to tell the kids he loved them.

Why does he do this? Its so confusing to me.

[Sanderika]

kissak,

Your H doesn't want to let go because he still loves you all. Unfortunately he still doesn't realize what it is he wants. It's only through more time and patience from you along with treating him with respect and friendship that he will see through his problems. He is watching you and is still afraid to succumb to his real feelings. He still needs to be left alone to navigate his way only helping him when he reaches out to you.

When my H calls I always greet H will a very friendly "Hey hello, how are you doing today or how's your day going or so what are your plans for today or how's your week so far." H is immediately put at ease and then the conversation starts to flow. Yes, H carries on more about himself, it's really about getting him to feel comfortable and realize I am not his enemy.

The flat tire situation yesterday was a chance to engage in a further conversation about H.

H: I had a flat tire today.
K: Oh that's too bad, I hope you weren't on the highway.
H: Says where it happened.
K: Engages further that it was either a lucky place to have a
flat or again it's too bad it happened there. Saying
sorry for his trouble with a flat.
H: Says something in agreement.
K: Do you know what caused the flat?
H: Picked up a nail.
K: Well at least it only needs to be plugged and you won't
need a new tire. Again, sorry it happened.
H: Thank you.

H mentioned the flat to receive some sympathetic attention from you.

You see a conversation can be carried on as long as there is a desire. I know this topic is trivial. Trivia will lead to lengthier topics providing the trivial ones go very well. Once the trivia is out of the way conversation can be continued onto another topic of interest to H. Generally it's got to be all about H for quite a while.

I listen and search for a comeback so I can offer a valid response that provides H with care and concern for his woes or validates H ideas or sympathizes with his latest problem.

As you practice it gets easier. As you converse they become more open to include you in more of their day to day. I never offer my goings on or plans. H has to ask about me to get more. No asking no getting.

For instance I have been given a job offer. I have not told H. H doesn't need to know anything about me. The way I see it, it's all about him. He doesn't truly deserve to know more about me until he is out of MLC Land completely and has a genuine desire to be a part of my life.

Now for the TKD classes. IMO it should be son's choice. Son is 8 yrs old and at this point he has taken them long enough to realize if he likes it or not. Under no circumstances can you give H the idea that you are stopping them for your own reasons. I understand the reason you don't want to continue (H sees OW there) to attend with son. You must protect your own emotions and reasons here. H is only wanting to continue because it offers him another avenue to see OW.

It would be nice right now if son would like to try a different activity in place of TKD.

I would tell son it is his choice 100% and you won't force him to go if he doesn't like it anymore. I would then tell H: "TKD is up to son 100%. I will not force son to engage in an activity he no longer wants. Son tried it and that is all that is important, at least we gave him the opportunity to try it." If H still wants let H then ask son what he wants. Son will say he doesn't want to go anymore. H will be powerless to force son to go.

H will look like a big meanie to son if he tries to force him and he doesn't want that. You can then call H to the carpet and ask why is it so important to him son continue with TKD classes. He won't be able to state the real reason so he will give up the fight.

I would work with son to come up with a new activity for him. Swimming, guitar, little league, basketball, hockey, soccer, science.....there's lots of stuff. If H sees you trying to give son a new opportunity he will know you are being a good mom and have respect for your stated reasons to stop TKD.

I think your H still wants back in thus the contact using a very nice mannerism. He is scared, he wants to be reassured this time things will be better. It's like the engine is running, the car is still in park.

Keep posting....take care, my friend,

Sanderika

[kissak]

You know Sanderika, YOu have some good advice.

When my h told me about the flat tire, I did say that I was sorry and that I hope he werent late for work...he replyed "no, did you get a chance to sleep in?" So, he kinda changed the subject on me.

But I did try what you suggested. He said he was busy at work today and I carried it on further to show some interest. I said I was sorry he was so busy and how come. He said he was doing a different job, I asked was it a harder job? he replyed "no". I said well that was a good thing. Then the convo stopped.

I will try to do that more often I guess. I have tried it before, but Im afraid it just keeps me more attached to him. But I hardly ever tell him what Im doing unless he asks. Which is often.

I will take your approach on the TKD thing. I did tell H that son was interested in playing soccer or Basketball. He did say that son mentioned that so maybe he would be ok if he knew I was trying. AND I havent let on that The reason for taking him out has anything to do with the OW. But I have a feeling that is what he is going to think anyways.

Thanks.....and I do believe the reason my H wont come home is because he is scared it wont work...he doesnt want to hurt me or the kids again. He wants reassurance that it will work out.

God is blessing me sooo much!

[kissak]

I remember a time when I loved weekends. But when the weekends come around when I have the kids, I get anxious about what my H will be doing. Who he will be seeing and all that. I hate feeling like that. I want to NOT care about it or think about it. I just cant seem to stay busy enough the entire weekend to not think about it.

Any suggestions??

I have plenty planned, but only during the day...its the nights that are hard and I dont wanna sleep the weekend away.

[Sanderika]

Hi kissak

It's hard ..... I save my house chores inside and out for the weekend. I grocery shop on Saturday usually. It helps since there is so much that always needs doing.

If your like me, your friends and family always have plans on the weekend. It's hard to get together with them. If you do you feel wierd and alone, so I try and avoid that kind of stuff.

Son and I go for a hike, the beach, skiing in winter, Borders Books is a great way to kill some time. There's movies...Son wants to see Harry Potter. Mini Golf, we have Old Orchard Beach which is Amusement Park and Arcades, Beach, Food, all rolled into one. We also camp. Tenting out is very cheap and a lot of fun. Kids love it. We bring a friend for son.

Lots of these things you can do at night.

I know son is not going to be here this weekend. He's going with his Dad. I am going to lay low and get some rest. Still not feeling my best.

Are there any festivals going on in your area. Here we have a huge Clam Festival this weekend that offers tons of stuff to do, stuff for everyone. Its very close to my home. I might do that.
Any State or County Fairs, they have just started here. There will be one every weekend now until first week in October. Those are good entertainment.

Just some ideas.....

I hope you have a wonderful weekend....

Take care.....

Sanderika