My thought was that she is not quitting her job, she is accepting a different job and in that job I will have expectations, such as truly partnering with me on improving the marriage and our sl, taking good care of herself by working out, becoming more active in the kids education, including spending more time at school, etc. I wasn't a wuss about it either, so thanks for all the NMMNG tips.
Just keep in mind, CB, that there is a clear difference between leading the relatioship and bossing/supervising: women, in general, want a husband who leads, not one who is "controlling." You are still partners and equals, not supervisor and subordinate, and if you try to put yourself in the role of your wife's "job manager" it will backfire on you, in my opinion.
I made the same sort of mistake when my wife first became a SAHM 17 years ago. A part of me resented the fact that she got to stay at home on an endless string of what to me were "days off," while I continued to bust my tail on a long-hour, high-stress job. So I started checking what she did, critiquing her day, and in essence, started picking up all of the same old domineering habits that my father had (and that my mother resented terribly). Wrong move on my part.
Nowadays, I treat my wife's ability to be a SAHM (if *she* so desires) as my gift to her. Stop. It doesn't come with subordinate strings. No covert contract. She's free to do with her days what she likes, and I don't micromanage it -- I trust her to do her job while I do mine. If something gets out of hand or some responsibility of hers doesn't get met *then* we'll talk about it, but the important thing there is to be part of the solution -- step in and help right the situation -- again, partners...not supervisor/subordinate.
Also, it is essential that you keep making vital contributions to the management of the household -- cleaning, cooking, bill paying, and so forth. You can't just dust off your hands of it, tell her "You got it, now!", and focus solely on your own career (a trap many men fall into). The truth is: no one likes to do laundry and clean toilets, so everyone needs to chip in and do that stuff and spread the discomfort. If, instead, you make her feel like she's been reduced to your maid and cook, with your daily inspection to occur when you come in the door each evening --> how loved, cherished, and taken care of is she going to feel? Not.
If you honestly think that without your daily supervision, she will just sit around in her PJ's all day, eating bon-bons snd watching Oprah, then don't make the offer. You have to be able to trust her, and trust that BOTH of you will continue to contribute to the family in your own way.
-- B.
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
