Almost, I was telling Mach yesterday that I wish I could help all of you just beginning on this journey to skip all the steps and get to the letting it all go part. Really, I do.
As I said, its ok to be angry - its normal to be. But getting mired in it and going over and over it in your head is not going to change what happened.
My h went back to an ow from over 30 years ago who cheated on him back then with his best friend while living with h in his parents' house and who is/was now married. Now, there's a quality person you want to look up and get involved with again.
You cant get your mind around all this because it doesnt make sense. It just doesnt. Your h is lost and confused and is making poor choices.
He is unhappy and unsettled and cant put his finger on why. The easiest way out for him is to blame the person closest to him - you.
Yes, he did some things that sucked. Shame on him. But, as hard as this is to believe, this isnt about you. Really.
So, figure out what things about your marriage and yourself that you want to change. Take your anger and use it to propel you forward towards those changes.
If you stay stuck on this (and I know whereof I speak - I was stuck for a loongggg time), you dont get to move forward.
Love you Beginners..... I know WHY I'm mad....I just want to let it go. I KNOW how important it is to my marriage to do this....but it's just soooo hard. As far as "cheating" on me, H really doesn't feel that way. He believes because he came home and separated from me first, he did nothing truly wrong, but yet, he's sorry for what he did do. Believe me, I think it was cheating still, separated or not he was still married during this crap. I need your strength Beginners..... God help me. I need to let this go. Might be time to get back into IC. I stopped because of money issues, but I really loved my therapist and she really has helped me makes strides in areas of myself I wanted to work on. I know it's money well invested. I plan on calling her tomorrow. She'll be thrilled to hear H made some great strides back toward us.
I think you're great, too. Oh believe me, there are plenty of times when I am not strong at all.
And it is easier said than done, to let it go. He did cheat, no two ways about that. He could say he didnt all day, still doesnt make it so.
Let me tell you a little bit about my sitch. My h cheated on me. He thinks because he said he doesnt want to be married anymore out loud, that he didnt cheat. But he was still married, still in my bed, still had his ring on.
I found an explicit love poem from her. I found hotel reservations for two. He ran to meet her on our 25th wedding anniversary. I curled into a ball, it hurt so much. I was such damaged goods that I wasnt angry - I blamed myself!
So, it is healthy that you are angry. He pissed you off! He broke his vows - damn him! He sucks! Get it out.
I know some on here will tell you to let it go now. But, that isnt realistic. It's a process. Here's the thing - if you hold onto it for too long, it gets in the way of you healing, growing, moving forward.
It aint easy - this. This is hard, hard stuff. No doubt about it. It takes your breath away. It hurts down to the soul. It screws up your head and your heart and your body.
So, the sooner you get it out - the sooner you are on the road to letting it go. Because at the end of the day, if you dont, you let it win. And I could tell, you dont like to lose.
Good idea to go back to IC. Even if its twice a month, once a month - whatever you could swing.
I say all this because I wish that I had a shortcut to give you. I wish there was a way to skip these steps. But, the only way out is through - for YOU.
Worry not about h. His problems, his issues. You do the work for you and your son. And if eventually your h catches up, you will be ready for whatever is to be.
Hello adb, I am so happy that your husband says he wants to come back home. How have you been patient and GAL? The anger is eating me alive. I am almost to the point of obsessed with it! I thought I was over PA number 1 until EA number 1 happened. Then it all came flooding back.
M:38 H:42 T:20 M:19 D:18 S:17 MLC: Sometime in 2007 OW Bomb 1: 12/28/07 OW Online relationship 2: Spring 2009 Told him I wanted D: May 10, 2009 D final: 07/09/11
Patience....not a virtue I naturally have. I've learned a lot, vented here and just went through a lot of pain.
GALing...that was a 180 for me. I got very wrapped up in our S. Then I would complain how much he was out and I was alone with S but I did send a clear message S was more important than anyone else....big mistake in hindsight.
I started to exercise more and more seriously. I started yoga classes, they kick my butt. I started to really play tennis. I love it. I am learning to cook. LOL!! I started to do more with girlfriends and now all of them have kids too, which really helps. I read a lot. I love to clean. So, that was me, my GAL plan. I love it all.
What kept me going was that I trust MWD and believe her that people who get through this kind of hell are stronger on the back end. I would love a strong union with my H. There's not much trust now, so we are working on it with small things. He says he'll get the milk, he does. He says he'll be home at 9:00, he's home at 8:59.
However, he has done things recently to piss me off and I guess I have done things to piss him off. Still the roller coaster. Also, the other thing to help drive me toward this....my son. I figure if I can die for him and I would, I could do this. Don't get me wrong....not out of the woods by any means. He could be calling his lawyer today....I could want to call mine. (Yes, we both spoke to lawyers....) But for now, we seem to both want to work and see what could be. There are days when I'm over the OW and EA and whatever may have happened beyond my knowledge....like how much a PA was this really beyond the EA? But I fight it. I vent here, I call friends. I try to not fight about it with him but there are still very tough days ahead of us....I know that. But I think the payoff will be worth it.
I like this one:
I didn't marry you because you were perfect. I didn't even marry you because I loved you. I married you because you gave me a promise. That promise made up for your faults. And the promise I gave you made up for mine. Two imperfect people got married and it was the promise that made the marriage. And when our children were growing up, it wasn't a house that protected them; and it wasn't our love that protected them - it was that promise. Thornton Wilder, The Skin of Our Teeth
I think you mentioned your mother's fortune teller in another post. I am just curious as to what she might have said, if you don't mind.
I attend a metaphysical church and happen to know many mediums, some really good, some not quite so intuitive. I have been told many many tidbits about my sitch, which amazingly have all come to pass. I know many people would scoff at that type of stuff, but I have been given proof as to the validity of it more than once in my lifetime.
It sounds like little baby steps and that is fantastic. You also seemed to grasp alot of the GAL ideas, much quicker than I or some others. I will suggest to do your best to let go of the A. Honestly, you probably do not want to know all of the details, and if I might be so bold, would they really make a difference in how YOU want to proceed with this? If you assume they had sex (which for most people is the worst scenario, for me it is the EA), then you just heal and forgive from that mindset. Unless, that is something that would make a difference in your stand. Then that is something you probably need to try to uncover the whole truth about. Just MO.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
You have given me so much to think about. I need to get a hobby and quickly. Maybe something my kids could do with me.
I am going to a conference for my work next week and am so glad to be able to get away. I am going to try to go dark all of next week and call the kids on their cell phones but just send 1 email to H telling him I made it down there safely.
I am really thinking about coming back with a new tattoo!!
M:38 H:42 T:20 M:19 D:18 S:17 MLC: Sometime in 2007 OW Bomb 1: 12/28/07 OW Online relationship 2: Spring 2009 Told him I wanted D: May 10, 2009 D final: 07/09/11
Anger and impatience are really going to be testing you now. Look at it that way too. As a test. A period of growth or a chance to continue to make that positive movement.
Your going to be feeling it a lot right now. Let it out, but do it WAY AWAY from him. Run, Smack that tennis ball like there is no tomorrow, do something just DO NOT go on the offensive towards him. He may "test" you too. To see where your head and your heart truly are with him. He wants to see the changes are for real.
Feel these feelings and get them out. It's completely normal to feel this way after standing, DBing, and acting as if for so long. Now you see him starting to come around, and you want him to see things the way you have all along and all at once. Remember none of this happened in a day or week or months for that matter, so it's not going to turn that quickly either.
You said patience is a vurtue you don't naturally have. SO KEEP DOING WORK.
This is on his time table.
Use your anger and impatience to your advantage. As defense.....NEVER offense. Use it as YOUR motivation to keep improving, to keep passing these "tests".
Wanna test your patience? Invite five or six of your son's friends over for a sleep over and just go with the flow. LOL!
Be mindful over your interactions, make sure they stay in that positive place, and let him bring any R discussions up. He will when he is ready.
