Ashlee, I'm sorry you were let down....again. As you were suggested to go to that worst place in your mind.....b/c it is going to get worse, I suspect.
One word of caution before I forget to mention this. You were saying that you made sure to sound upbeat when talking on the phone, and I'm sure you got that advice here and in the DR book. However, I think there is a time & place for being upbeat. That man put you through hell and if you sounded "too" good and "okay" then he'll think he has it made! Know what I mean? He needs to know you are not a happy camper about what he's done. So, just keep that PMA stuff balanced, okay?
About having sex with H.......I think what Puppy meant was that everyone has to make that their own personal decision and you sounded pretty doubtful in the beginning. Even Michele doesn't have a strict rule on that b/c everyone has to do what feels right for them. Some see it as a issue of self-respect and they won't have sex knowing that their S is unfaithful. Some feel that having sex will draw them closer together.
I will say this (in spite of my personal views about it) if you do tell him you won't ML as long as OW is in the picture....then be prepared to stick to your word. If you don't feel that you can be strong in this area, then don't tell him that. Some people cannot go without having sex and some can.....so you have to know what you can/can't do.
Wonder what was going on in his mind when he was waiting to hear if you were staying or not?
I'll check on you later.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks Sandi. No more contact with H. Don't know if I'm going to bring up the cell phone password being changed. It's not like it matters right now anyway. I already have proof of the phone calls and if it ever gets to a nasty divorce, we can subpoena the rest of 'em. On the flip side, if H ever wants to work on the M, he'll have to give me the password cause I won't trust him for a long time.
I don't think I sounded too upbeat on the phone. I just wanted to get across the point that getting away did me good. In no way did I give him any relief from the guilt he might be feeling.
I think if I don't stop the sex, he will continue to take me for granted/use me. Seeing as he had said before (re: sex) "This doesn't change anything" I'd be pretty darn stupid to continue. I thought it was bringing us closer but after what happened on Friday, it's clear it hasn't made a difference.
Me: 39 H: 39 S: 15 M: 18 years Bomb: 6/3/09 H moved out: 10/15/09 H moved back:5/30/10
Well, it's most definetely clear he wants you and the OW. But he needs to know it doesn't work like that. Ashlee, I have a list that some people have found to be helpful. It's based on the DBing principles. I'm going to post it to you and maybe you can glance over it from time to time, which is quicker than glancing back at that book. This is for the LBS in general. It's not about going dark, but mostly for couples living under the same roof.
DO’S & DON’TS FOR LBS
1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off! 2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first. 3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only! 4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention. 5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject. 6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse. 7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self respect and self confidence. 8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.) 9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better. 10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.) 11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.) 12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude. 13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice. 14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go. 15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, you need to wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative. 16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also. 17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it. 19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that. 20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf. 21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight. 22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake. 23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel! 24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works! 25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying. 26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell). 27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake. 28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only. 29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse. 31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them. 32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared. 33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return. 35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary. 36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise. 37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks for the list Sandi. It was perfect timing cause I was about to break some of them rules! Good thing I read it.
H called twice this am then 2 text messages. H had a question about the dogs. Second text asked why I wouldn't answer the phone or text. H said it was really annoying. I answered the question about the dogs with a yes and nothing more.
H was not home when I got here. H is working his 2nd job. We had gone over the 'boundaries' for this job and I had previously told him if he was going to be later than 3, he needed to let me know (due to this is his day off and he should be watching S). I'll have to reinforce that boundary tonight.
S called me this morning, saying H came into his room to say he was leaving for his 2nd job. S asked H when was the last time he worked 2nd job. H said it's been over 2 weeks. S asked H why he was going to 2nd job on the first day S was back home. H got upset, threw his hands in the air and said "I can't win in this family!" H left without another word to S (no 'I love you', no 'goodbye'). How do I handle? Am I nit-picking if I bring it up? I already discussed with H his inability to spend time with S. Obviously H is too self-involved to worry about anything besides himself.
Me: 39 H: 39 S: 15 M: 18 years Bomb: 6/3/09 H moved out: 10/15/09 H moved back:5/30/10
H's R with S is his to ruin, you can not help him maintain it. If he doesn't understand how to have a good R, all you can do is have a fabulous one with your S.
Get it? Got it? GOOD!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
In the middle of the night when H wanted to ML I told him as long as he was emotionally connected to OW and not to me and our M, we would not ML. H asked if I learned to say that from "the website". I responded with "Would you rather I said as long as you are having an affair?" H said no, turned away from me and said "that's just fine".
In the morning H said to me "So, you aren't going to take care of my sexual needs anymore?" I responded "So, you aren't going to take care of my emotional needs anymore?" Again, H asked if I learned that from "the website."
Don't know if I handled it correctly. Also not sure how concerned I should be about his references to this website. H has known about it for a while. I highly doubt H has gotten on it because if he found my posts, he certainly would have said something.
Me: 39 H: 39 S: 15 M: 18 years Bomb: 6/3/09 H moved out: 10/15/09 H moved back:5/30/10
I'm glad you stood up for yourself, even though it probably makes you sad and is hard.
The next time he says something about "the website," how about saying to him "I needed some support from other people who are going thru what I am," and leaving it at that? Although I wouldn't necessarily shy AWAY from using the "a-word" with him when appropriate, there's no need to beat him over the head with it, either.
Based on his past reactions, he's going to be pouty with you. Which REALLY ain't very attractive, now, is it.
