K4D Rising #3

[K4D]

Ok. I picked up D11 and dropped her off at W's house. I didn't see W. Then I went out to dinner with a friend and hung out some. Now I am back home. I get my girls back tomorrow. I need to figure out what to do with them this Saturday. Its just so blasted hot during the day here. Its even to hot to swim.

Kevin

[ppenton]

Maybe you could take them to the library and/or rent some movies if its too hot outside.

[antlers]

Ok. I picked up D11 and dropped her off at W's house. I didn't see W. Then I went out to dinner with a friend and hung out some. Now I am back home. I get my girls back tomorrow. I need to figure out what to do with them this Saturday. Its just so blasted hot during the day here. Its even to hot to swim.

Kevin

Take em' to Great Wolf Lodge in Grapevine. It's enclosed and air-conditioned.

[25yearsmlc]

I just want to know if the whole STANDING = "Waiting for w to return no matter what" means what I fear it means for you...

No GAL, no true living, no sustained 180s, & only focusing on girls to pass the time, and hope they somehow help you in your R with your wife, or can be manipulated in conversations about HER or going to church, or what she is doing, or the legal status of the div, or your R talks with them about her....

There was a time you said you knew you could be happy with or without her. That was the healthiest post you have written, by far. THAT POST --SHOWED FAITH IN IT.

Then I posted about not backsliding and holding on to this progress, and you agreed. But To me, what you just said, pretty much is a major backslide to where you were months ago. IT is ALL about getting her back and nothing else will do. How sad. After all this time, do you still not get it? DBing is not about getting your spouse back no matter what....it's so much more...that's why "success rates of recon" are only part of the story. The REAL story is how happy the people are who have been here and taken charge of their own lives and happiness. They find in all their situations, that they are more attractive to others, as they GAL and become who they were meant to become. That increases, but does not guarantee the chance of a recon. Free will on the part of the WAS still exists and always will.

How demanding of God to tell him what you want/expect and refuse to do without. God won't make her come back. He gave her free will, remember? Standing isn't about saying "she comes back or else"....You can call your standing a form of faith, some will call it stubborn denial...I just call it sad. And like you have amnesia...so much beauty and love all around that you will not see if you focus ONLY on her and returning to you, as you are.
How can the same guy who posted last week about detaching, post this? Maybe detaching got too frightening...I don't know.
j-

[Tomato]

25yrs,

I believe your fears on the STANDERS group aren't a problem. Overall Kevin seems to be very gradually making some strides and his joing us in the standers group will be a significant part of those strides for him. FaithfulH and I and all the great many other guys (unfortunately ...but fortunately our ranks are growing & growing) will provide Kevin with much needed balance for his continued progress in making things right with him and furthering his faith walk w/ the Lord.

Ted

[Tomato]

cont'd

so that it might clean up some misconceptions ...standing for your M in NO way means that you trapse off to your corner of prayer and shut all systems down in your personal life while waiting for the Holy One to turn the heart of your spouse around.

Standing is instead dynamic ...not stagnant or standing still.

It revolves around a core of faith. Having confidence that God is handling all the minusia (sp?) while you make yourself into a refined and polished individual.

Ted

[Tomato]

furthermore ...good ole Kevin will have a whole host of people reinforcing his positive changes and seeing to it that he does next to no backsliding.

I know how to swing the lumber. I have honed that skill since I arrived on the scene at DB central.

[25yearsmlc]

Tomato,

I trust and accept your views about "standing" and I know faithfulH well. He helped me a lot, and in case you don't know, I AM a stander. ANd With good results I had not really known would come about. So in my post to Kevin, I tried to word things very carefully with kevin, specifically FOR him and so I said something like "what standing means to YOU, Kevin"....b/c I know what it means to others and what it meant to me. But I am NOT sure what it means to him....I am not at all sure about that. What he says one day, and does the next are not consistent and this has been a long time problem. I have been with kevin a long time. Privately, and here on the DB boards. Maybe my frustration is higher b/c of that but I remain committed to seeing it thru until I feel completely useless, which I hope I become someday. Don't we all want to be useless? b/c someday we all hope we all "get it", AND that our WAS do too and that dbing is a way of life in the best manner possible.

As you aptly say, Standing does not mean hiding in the corner praying aand just hoping and doing nothing else. I get that. There are a few people here and there, who do not though. Seriously. But Believe me, standing for me, meant keeping my vows BUT GAL AND MOVING ON and doing lots of things that did NOT include sitting still. Or doing nothing. The hard part is Standing, not the easy part. I have come to believe that some people use the word 'standing" to mean "sitting" or staying stuck, or not looking inward to fix that which needs mending and healing, and they often continue to blame the WAS for all the problems and act as if "Standing" makes them a martyr, so much blame goes on, it makes you wonder why they are standing, or what they are standing FOR....
and how on God's earth a WAS would return to that.
Leaving the judgments aside though,
For me, standing presented an odd dichotomy b/c it meant hoping for a recon, which required lots of forgiveness AND internal work, BUT it also included knowing full well my h might NOT come back so I had to GAL and work on me and care for the kids, AND that if he did not come back, I'd still be just fine b/c my faith and work here and with a good DB coach and T, I came to KNOW that I'm a good woman, a good catch, a woman only a fool would leave etc., but I still STOOD for the M. Most of all, "standing" meant TRUSTING that even if H didn't return to me and our children, God had something else even better, beyone my comprehension, planned for me right around the corner.
This enabled me to GAL and move forward without feeling I was quitting my M.
So Tomato, It's not "standing" I'm concerned about...it's who means what, when they say it.

Hope this clarifies what I meant. Next time you see FaithfulH please give him a hug (a DB appropriate hug, of course!!
I support standing the way you mean it and faithfulH and such. I am grateful FH and K4 have met too.
Good luck
( j )[b][/b]

[K4D]

25,

Let me clear up a misconception. I agree that "standing" does not mean shutting down and just waiting. It means that I am keeping my vows regardless of what happens. It in no way at all means that I am not trying to better myself and my life. It just means in the past I have had thoughts of giving up on the M and maybe looking for someone else even though I didn't believe in it. But I have since made a concious decision not to do that. I will keep my vows and keep working on me and trying to make myself happy in life while I wait for what God has in store for me.

I personally believe that my W will return one day. God did say he could turn a heart of stone into a heart of flesh. God brought lazarus back from the dead. God has worked many miracles in life to those who were faithful and believed and prayed and asked for it. For instance, take you and your H. Take FaithfulH and his W. Look at all the success stories on rejoiceministries.org.

He can certainly change hearts and does. But it is in his timing. In the mean time, like I said earlier, I know that process can't begin until he is done working on me. That doesn't mean me running and hiding in a corner somewhere. That means me making the changes I need to make so that I can be in a position for him to work on my W and restore our M like he has so many others.

To say that God won't do it is to lack faith I think. That says that prayers are worthless. Look at how many people come to Christ because someone else prayed and prayed for them and they felt something. Look at the stories of S's returning because they felt like God was talking to them at some point down the road because people had been praying. I firmly believe that God works miracles to this day and that he wants marriages to be restored and that if you pray and make the changes needed by allowing him to change you that he will bless you and restore your M. Obviously it could be years before that happens and so often is. But still, it happens.

So no, I will not getting a life. And I will not just use my girls to pass time. Granted I need a bit more motivation at times to get out and focus on me. I'm not perfect or quite there all the way yet. But I am really focusing on my spiritual side and trying to put God first in my life and my girls life.

And I think I am part of an excellent group now that Tomato and FaithfulH are part of. And I am very grateful to have met you and have you working with me.

I have a lot of blessings to be thankful for and a lot of resources to put into place.

By "standing" I stand for my M. I will not look at another woman as an opportunity even when I feel down about how things are going. I stand for my marriage no matter what the situation is. Some days are better than others. Yesterday I was feeling more upbeat. Last night I had a discouraging dream and thought about it more while I was getting ready this morning and wondered why I would have a dream like that right after feeling upbeat about things and my stand.

I still stand none the less and I am still working towards getting a life and planning my future.

One of the things I pondered yesterday was DBing says act as if they are not coming back. But if you are going to pray with faith and confidence, the bible tells you to pray as though it has already happened. So you may not see results right away or for some time. But that doesn't mean that the motions haven't been put into place. You just may not be able to see it right now. You don't stop your life and wait. Infact, I almost think you prepare as if they are coming back, but at the same time, still work on you and getting a life.

I was thinking about buying a house. Me and FaithfulH talked about it. He said look at a house that would include your W coming back. That is part of preparing for what you are praying for.

If you don't prepare for what you are praying for, its almost as if you are not praying with faith that it will happen. Its like the farmer who prepares his seeds and then prays for rain. He is prepared for what he is praying for. What good would it do to pray for rain if you have not prepared for it ahead of time?

I hope this makes sense and is not looked at as backsliding but more as having faith in your prayers.

Getting a life is part of preparing because W isn't going to want to come back to the same thing she was in before.

Kevin

[K4D]

Also,

I am not putting any blame on her. I am aware of what I did to be put in this situation. I have asked for forgiveness for what I did and I have forgiven her as well. I don't need her. But I genuinely love her and want her back and I want our family pieced back together. It would be better for all of us especially the kids. But things have to be right first.

I am spending time listening to sermons at night. And not about marriage, but about my spirituality and salvation. I am spending time working on the same things with my daughters and they are really getting into it. I read some on M stuff. But it isn't my only focus.

And rejoiceministries.org is very uplifting when you have down moments and there is a lot of good advice on there. God invented M. Of course he wants to restore your M. If God can bring me to my knees, he can certainly bring anyone to their knees and change hearts. Never underestimate the power of prayer and preparing yourself.

My situation looks impossible. It definitely won't be over night. But it will happen over time. And when it does, I am going to give all the glory to God. But in order for God to do that, I have to make God #1 in my life regardless of circumstances and not for any other reason other than loving God and wanting to follow him.

I can prove this. I am going to a church that my W detests because I believe it is where I am supposed to be. Thats a big mark against me. I have worried about that affecting her coming back. But I am doing it anyways because I disagree with her on the church. I am willing to walk in the path that I believe my salvation to be even if it means she doesn't come back. But I do believe with time she will. I have chosen God over trying to please her. So I would not say that I am backsliding. If I was backsliding here, I would be doing what she wants me to do. My salvation is more important than whether or not she comes back. Her salvation and my kids salvation are equally important as mine. But I have to focus on me and the kids regardless of what she thinks. So I would say that I am making progress because of that.

Kevin