You know, a person could write a book about all this.
Oh, wait, a person is writing a book about all this. A Smiley's Person.
So here's the dealio, Cool Cats and Kool Kittens: I'm going to start pitching this book at agents, unwritten save for 2 sample chapters, which is generally not the way things are done, but I'm going to strike while the iron is hot (sorry Michele ).
What I've observed is that the Lion's Share of books about "surviving your divorce" are pitched at women (I'm not talking about either the MWD books or the "how-to" books -- how to have a great divorce, etc.). So mine is really going to be the Guy Book about this process (Hemingway said write what you know -- I know GuyStuff).
My question, to the Lads and the Ladies, is this: What should Guys know? Before they were WAHs, what did your H's do that consistently vexed you, dear Ladies of DB? Before they were WAW's, good Lads, where did you fall short of your W's needs and expectations?
In other words, if you could -- pace AlexEN's recent musings -- say "one thing" to a potential future LBH, what would that thing be?
And -- and -- good Lads, what should your fellow Dudes know about this process, this journey in which we have lamentably become fellow pilgrims?
Should the book be optioned, should it be published, I will give you all credit, by screen name (or, if you desire in the alt, by real name), for your contributions and your inspiration.
“God, that sitteth heighe in magestee, Save al this compaignye, grete and smale!”
(from "The Reeve's Tale" in Geoffrey Chaucer, The Canterbury Tales, c. 1390)
Great idea SP...I really think in my case it was the kids (that sounds awful I know)...We stopped doing things as a couple didn't go on "dates" everything pretty much revolved around the kids...We stopped communicating and just "grew apart".
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
So that explains it! Can you sell used ones on e-bay?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Humor - Laugh together, do not restrict communication to serious things and/or parenting...
Seduce each other, treat each other as man and woman (not mother and father of the kids)
Keep yourself interesting for your spouse, learn, grow, change... It's good for both.
Do not assume your spouse is the person you met years ago. He/she has for sure changed some (see point above), see the signs
Compassion
Share a dream/goal/vision
There is a book that says couples break up for various different reasons. But the intersting thing is that those that do stay happy together all have 7 common "habits", attitudes. When I read it, the only one me and H had was "independecy" to the max because we had already grown apart so it wasnt really what the book meant.
I talked about those with 2 couples, friends of mine that I consider truly happy. They agreed they had all those 7 things...
Oh, I think the boys need much more info on HOW to do all the stuff they are told to do. How do you make time for just the two of you when babies need so much? When W is hormonal? When finances are strapped? How do you as the H, take a back seat position in some ways and bridge the huge gap between most men and women (post baby) without coming off as jealous and competitive of your children? How do you take the lead on making that time rather than complaining about it or just stuffing it down? How do you make sure you and W are in reality about your expectations of marriage, finances and each other?
Many women complain that their H's are like children who add to the burden rather than reduce it. How you find an authentic and healthy way to be a team is, as of yet, a mystery to me. I can tell you when H and I were on, I loved it, feeling I had some one to volley to and that we had a rhythm and were looking out for each other (that would last about a week max :/)...I don't think he liked it so much (too much responsibility, not exciting enough??)
Lots to ponder but I would resist being simplistic. Men in particular need more "how to"...
). 
