Advice on DB-ing when sep spouse lives at home

[cat04]

T-

I have read so me of what Mach1 has posted around here and he does make a lot of sense. Someone posted about the script earlier--we all share it. I too got the "maybe I need to be selfish right now" from my ultra super responsible H. I also have heard the word done more times than I can count. At first it hurt. Now I just keep wondering if he is trying to remind me or himself? I understand the definition but I guess he must not. LOL

Detatching and working on yourself is the best medicine. It is the ONLY thing that MIGHT make any difference because I would bet that you don't think about YOU and what you want or need too much, now or before. You are mom and wife and caregiver. But what feeds your soul? What frustrates you, how do you react to things? When was the last time you filled the tub with bubbles, lit candles, put on the radio, and put up the do not disturb sign? Not super easy with small kids but possible. Do not worry about what H might think about what you are doing. He will probably get angry or annoyed at first, why are you acting this way, did you meet someone, etc...But it is because you are doing something different. He will get used to it.

Right now you still need to read about MLC. I wish I could link, because I would give you Happy Again's threads to read. He was a man who was in MLC and posted here a couple years ago. Boy was he and angry man, but it really opened my eyes more than anything to see what was in his head. Also, Yellowrose is an excellent example of a recycling H and a surviving, thriving W. Just a real inspiration.

I would like to share with you and Almost, the anger will come and go, even if you detatch. What seems like a hundred years ago now but was only a few months, I too heard I was thinking it may be possible to work this out but then I felt angry again so I was wrong, and that made me very angry again. I have wondered what does he have to be angry about as I am the one who has really been hurt here, then I had to remind myself that I am the source of everything wrong in his life right now. But the anger sometimes comes still, sometimes for no real reason that I can find, and I know it is still me processing all of it. I also see that most MLCer's refuse counseling, compared to WAS. It too is part of the script. They are fine, they are right, they don't need counseling. Sometimes, later, they will get it, but sometimes not. But if you think C will help you deal with this get it. Be as open with H as you feel you can or want to be, but also DON'T explain yourself or your actions to him. Let him wonder. When you were dating, he did not know every phone call you made, everything you purchased at the store, what you did every second of the day. Look back at that time and see who you were then. Yes you are more mature now. You have kids now so your interests may be different. OR they may just be dormant because you are too busy to even notice things are missing. I was a music freak. Then because of S and Winnie the Pooh, I missed almost a whole decade or what was on the radio. Didn't even realize it. Pretty cool for me now too because I am finding I like the same stuff S does. Find YOU. I know this sucks, we all do, which is why this board is so good because you realize you are not alone. But you have been given an opportunity here if you choose to see it. It isn't just about marking time until H wakes up. It is about living your life and if he decides to rejoin the ride, he will have to catch up.