It is just so HARD. I know what is "right" and what I need to do right now but I really don't like feeling so unimportant to someone who was so wonderful for so many years. We really did have a good marriage (of course some things could have been better - as in almost all cases but nothing major) and he treated me so well. Now . . . this is certainly a lesson and growing time for me but I wish I could just take a break for awhile.
I am trying so hard to let go and let God. For the most part I am doing well but for some reason feel a bit "thrown" this week.
Because you are going to...up and down, up and down.....blah, it sucks.
But here's another way to think about things....let's say you quit. No more of his crap. Do you really know for sure the next guy is going to be better? What if he's worse?
This is my new favorite quote: New love is the brightest, and long love is the greatest, but revived love is the tenderest thing known on earth. Thomas Hardy
You are going to go up and down and you are going to have to do your best to not react. I reacted today to some stupid crap and my H just recently said he'd like to come home in a couple of months.....we both have things to work on, but I want to come home.
Words we all want to hear right? Absolutely, but it all takes a long time and it seems very long to us.
But you can do it.
Question....what are his MLC symptoms? Any OW or crazy spending? Partying more?
That quote is making me tear up! What an awesome quote. If I can stick it out and he comes out of it, I can see how things could be much better even than they were before EVENTUALLY - having him change as well for the better through all of this crap. I know I have. I am WAAAY more patient with everyone especially the kids, I finally have my priorities right, I have learned to be very independent, my faith is stronger than ever, etc. I can also tell it will take a very long time to be able to trust him again, even if/when he does come out of it.
His MLC symptoms - the spending (boatloads of new clothes), friends who are much younger (tho I am not sure how much they have been hanging out lately - seems less), dressing half his age, dying his hair (but he has stopped that - maybe a good sign? - it was so strange to me because he had always said he liked his little bit of gray - it made him feel distinguished), doesn't want to tell me anything (I guess the MLC control issue), the SELFISH behavior, etc. I don't think there is an OW at this point but of course I am not so stupid that I don't realize I could be wrong, especially as far as a possible EA or inappropriate "friendship" goes. I really don't think a PA though.
Fortunately for me, though, he has not become mean to the point he is yelling, calling me names, being mean to the kids (other than neglect), etc. Just the huge mean of being willing to turn his back on his family because he needs a new life. Whatever.
Day by day, I guess. If you can get them to go, does a C help someone in MLC or not? Do they just have to get to the point where they realize they need to "fix" themselves? He is def not ready for a C yet.
Do NOT push C if he's not willing. My H refused. Still refuses. HOWEVER, I did gt him to agree to the Mort Fertel program as a compromise.....he still complains about doing it, but he's doing it. He's putting into practice what we have learned. I basically told him as he was going to his lawyer, I will contest this divorce on the grounds we sought no professional counseling. He went to his lawyer with that. His lawyer, I'm sure, told him what mine told me: The judge will ask "Are there children in this marriage? Yes? Oh then absolutley, go seek therapy. See you in six months." So he agreed to it. He says his lawyer did not tell him that, but I have my doubts. He said he wanted to try it to say for sure he did everything....whatever.
But he's doing it. It's sincere and it's helping. A lot.
My H's symptoms: EA that evolved to a few kisses here and there, maybe more, not going to there. Not going to ask. Selfish beyond selfish. "I have to do what I have to do to make me happy now....S will understand." OK, good one. Partying with much younger co-workers. One of them asked me "Who's June Cleaver? What's 'The Fonz' mean?" Yes, I laughed. Said it was a kind of knife and the Fonz was a sex thing. Exercised like a mad man. He does look really good though. Bought some snazzy suits. I even went with him for this particular party. So at least I got to pick them. Did not go crazy with the accounts, but did get a little bit crazy with one credit card as he had to be Big Man on Campus a few nights out. I think this all started about the time his Celica died and he had to have an Acura. "I have an image to keep up....." Seriously?
But, knock on wood, things have really turned. One of the triggers for his fog lifting....I stopped caring, as far as he could tell. I started to really plan my life without him. He hates to be alone, so that was a real kick in the face....how dare me do that? But it helped a lot.
I won't push C at all. It just came up the other day and I asked him if he thought it might help. Apparently not.
I had to laugh (but in the "this is so sad" way) - my H said the exact same thing about the needing to do what he needs to make him happy and also that he didn't want the responsibility of the family (this coming from the guy who has always been very responsible). He even told me he was selfish now and had to be. Scary.
And I also forgot the working out thing. He started that about 8-9 months ago and lost some weight and also actually looks pretty good, really the best since I have known him. He stopped going much at all for a couple of months and tried to fill the void in his life with junk food and the weight started packing back on so he has started back again and is losing a bit again.
I do see very, very small signs of the fog MAYBE starting to lift a bit but it is hard to imagine a lot of days that he may actually come out of this. It is good to hear there is hope!
I also had to laugh at the June Cleaver and Fonz thing - good answers.:)
That quote is making me tear up! What an awesome quote. If I can stick it out and he comes out of it, I can see how things could be much better even than they were before EVENTUALLY - having him change as well for the better through all of this crap. I know I have. I am WAAAY more patient with everyone especially the kids, I finally have my priorities right, I have learned to be very independent, my faith is stronger than ever, etc. I can also tell it will take a very long time to be able to trust him again, even if/when he does come out of it.
His MLC symptoms - the spending (boatloads of new clothes), friends who are much younger (tho I am not sure how much they have been hanging out lately - seems less), dressing half his age, dying his hair (but he has stopped that - maybe a good sign? - it was so strange to me because he had always said he liked his little bit of gray - it made him feel distinguished), doesn't want to tell me anything (I guess the MLC control issue), the SELFISH behavior, etc. I don't think there is an OW at this point but of course I am not so stupid that I don't realize I could be wrong, especially as far as a possible EA or inappropriate "friendship" goes. I really don't think a PA though.
Fortunately for me, though, he has not become mean to the point he is yelling, calling me names, being mean to the kids (other than neglect), etc. Just the huge mean of being willing to turn his back on his family because he needs a new life. Whatever.
Day by day, I guess. If you can get them to go, does a C help someone in MLC or not? Do they just have to get to the point where they realize they need to "fix" themselves? He is def not ready for a C yet.
Trusting,
Not sure I've posted to you before, and not sure if you want to hear what I have to say....
IF, and I mean IF this is MLC, this is a long road girl. There will be times when you want to say screw it and move on.
There are NO guarantees in this, none that he will ever come out of the fog.
This will be the hardest thing you will ever face, and will test you to the limits.
If you want to save this, and are willing to put the work in. Then there are some incredible people here that can point you in the right direction.
You must first be willing to do the work on you, regardless of what he is doing.
There are things you will hear that will make you cringe when you hear them ....over and over.
First thing is to read the MLC resources, and truly understand what is happening right now, then let it go for now, and look inward for the answers that you may never get. After some time, the answers are less important, and the questions change.
This time needs to be about YOU....Bottom line.
Take the Focus off of what he is doing and look to you.
Take some time and read some of the Archives too.....
Whether or not this is MLC isn't really important right now, don't try to figure it out. You will only drive yourself insane doing that. No two are the same, so someone else's path need not apply to you directly....
Please, do what YOU need to do for now.....
Things will happen in time, and you will either know...or it won't matter as much to know.....
Hey Trusting, Mach1 doesn't have a thread here, but he's surviving MLC right now. He is pretty well versed on this. I am not sure how many ledges I've bumped up against that he has talked me down from. I'm in that angry stage. My H finally says the words I want to hear and I feel relief but oddly enough or maybe not so odd, I did hit that angry place. I'm angry about the crap he put me through, I'm angry my marriage feels a little less special because he let someone else run around in it.....and sometimes I think it's worse that this OW turned out to be the piece of crap I always said she was....lots and lots of irony here for me. I finally hear the words I want to come home and I want to haul back and kick him in the jewels. But at the same time I know I'm not done yet....not by a long shot. I expect we'll be at this stage for a long time yet, and it scares the crap out of me, but we could fall back away from martial progress. But yes, brace yourself. The one thing I would do again.... I would work even harder to detach even sooner than I was able to. It took my mother's fortune teller and my mother's "life is only complicated if you think too much" approach to logic to get me to really detach and really do for me and my S. AND of course, THAT's when I saw true true interest in my H related to us. Go figure.
I have read so me of what Mach1 has posted around here and he does make a lot of sense. Someone posted about the script earlier--we all share it. I too got the "maybe I need to be selfish right now" from my ultra super responsible H. I also have heard the word done more times than I can count. At first it hurt. Now I just keep wondering if he is trying to remind me or himself? I understand the definition but I guess he must not. LOL
Detatching and working on yourself is the best medicine. It is the ONLY thing that MIGHT make any difference because I would bet that you don't think about YOU and what you want or need too much, now or before. You are mom and wife and caregiver. But what feeds your soul? What frustrates you, how do you react to things? When was the last time you filled the tub with bubbles, lit candles, put on the radio, and put up the do not disturb sign? Not super easy with small kids but possible. Do not worry about what H might think about what you are doing. He will probably get angry or annoyed at first, why are you acting this way, did you meet someone, etc...But it is because you are doing something different. He will get used to it.
Right now you still need to read about MLC. I wish I could link, because I would give you Happy Again's threads to read. He was a man who was in MLC and posted here a couple years ago. Boy was he and angry man, but it really opened my eyes more than anything to see what was in his head. Also, Yellowrose is an excellent example of a recycling H and a surviving, thriving W. Just a real inspiration.
I would like to share with you and Almost, the anger will come and go, even if you detatch. What seems like a hundred years ago now but was only a few months, I too heard I was thinking it may be possible to work this out but then I felt angry again so I was wrong, and that made me very angry again. I have wondered what does he have to be angry about as I am the one who has really been hurt here, then I had to remind myself that I am the source of everything wrong in his life right now. But the anger sometimes comes still, sometimes for no real reason that I can find, and I know it is still me processing all of it. I also see that most MLCer's refuse counseling, compared to WAS. It too is part of the script. They are fine, they are right, they don't need counseling. Sometimes, later, they will get it, but sometimes not. But if you think C will help you deal with this get it. Be as open with H as you feel you can or want to be, but also DON'T explain yourself or your actions to him. Let him wonder. When you were dating, he did not know every phone call you made, everything you purchased at the store, what you did every second of the day. Look back at that time and see who you were then. Yes you are more mature now. You have kids now so your interests may be different. OR they may just be dormant because you are too busy to even notice things are missing. I was a music freak. Then because of S and Winnie the Pooh, I missed almost a whole decade or what was on the radio. Didn't even realize it. Pretty cool for me now too because I am finding I like the same stuff S does. Find YOU. I know this sucks, we all do, which is why this board is so good because you realize you are not alone. But you have been given an opportunity here if you choose to see it. It isn't just about marking time until H wakes up. It is about living your life and if he decides to rejoin the ride, he will have to catch up.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
You know, although there is an unwritten script for them, there is one for us too...well, not THAT unwritten, cause some of it is.
This is the time for you, and whatever you are feeling, YOU have to own that, and deal with that for yourself. You cannot bottle that up and NOT deal with it.
Anger? You have to process that, and you will have that on many levels throughout this process. It is actually a healthy thing to have on your side. Us it as a shield. Use it to protect yourself and deflect all of the BS that gets spewed at you. Now is not the time to use it as a sword....it can do you NO good by doing that ( Almost, listen up there ).
That shield will become your best friend for some time. Later, when you feel you need the sword, you will realize that the it has turned into a nail file and is less harmful. That is because you processed that anger and turned it into something good for you instead of harmful to your relationship.
I see a common theme here the past couple weeks...and it is ANGER....
Anger can hurt you and your chances faster than anything else right now....it has to be processed.
Write a letter, release it in writing....DO NOT send it to your spouse, but write it out, and email it to a friend, mail it to your dog, spray paint it on your neighbor's van....something. But get it out....
Keep enough to shield your self and throw the rest away....
And please....( Almost ).....use the 48 hour rule.....
Interaction out of anger is harmful to you....
Don't let an anger filled tirade turn into a regret
