Sounds like you have the next few days covered. Can I suggest you plan a fun "family event for the last afternoon of the holidays, something H may participate in in a small way so that the end of the holidays is a good memory for all involved?
Right, now I woud like to back up in you sitch, as there are a couple of things I am not clear on. These are all just thoughts to get you thinking, ok!
1) I get your H has always done the Heathcliffe thing, but how have you guys been as a couple together? Have you always had a connection and lived together ok in gereral, or good connection, hard to live with, or connection that comes and goes etc? I am just trying to get a feel for what you are fighting for in your marriage apart from for your kids etc.
2) I get your H is mad at you for taking him to court for the threatened violence etc. But what happened before that to take him to that stage, that to me is a more important issue to be able to work through your sitch (Not saying violence isn't huge, just putting that aside right now first). And have you seen him this angry before, if so how many times? Is there pressure from elseware in his life (eg work he is having hassles with etc) that could potentially be changed to remove some pressure from him right now?
3) If he is in the middle of anger and depression, then its kind of like a chemical pot where the good in control emotions get used up and the raw ones then come out. They bad ones then seem to be let out until the pressure build up is released enough and the cycle build up begins again. He may have used the good ones up with your niece and have none left right now. Thats why I am suggesting looking for exercise or events that help him to recharge the good emotions. You may not be able to control what he does, but if you know xyz is a recharge for him, its a help for you too.
And with depression stuff is it common for him to cycle through and get worse, does he seem to do this on a weekly basis (hates mondays etc) or monthly basis etc. And do the cycle lengths seem to be getting closer together, or staying about the same?
If you can spot these cycles then it gives you the windows when you have the best chance to talk to him, just after a big outburst often, but you need your 30sec message ready for that window when it comes. Thats your chance to give the small R message "I know you need a lot of space now, I would still like to be part of your life".
I would back off taking to his family about his situation completly given how he is right now. If his mum asks, just say talk to H about how he is, I am "ok" and just doing my best each day.
I dont think major crisis mode is the time for anyone to make major separation decisions, both parties should be calm to make that formal choice. I get the money hassles, and the need to do something there, but remember the 48hour rule before doing anything. I had a similar childhood to your H so understand how he is. It will be very hard for him to change, but if he has kept his violence together ok until this crisis, then I would see an intermediate aim being for him to get back to that level before he could begin to work on himself.
Currently he is stuck, but he is using up so much energy he will not be able to stay there indefinately. You can not do anything now but you can have your next move a pearler and ready to go. This is the time and patience part to your advantage. Being able to stick out the crap he is sending your way now???? Thats what I am asking about the good parts about your relationship, the connection between you guys etc. Seems like he thinks there is something there with a faint pulse still????????
