. . . So dinner didn't go so well. Mainly because she is pissed that I kicked her out of her bedroom
HOW LONG IS SHE GOING TO KEEP SAYING THIS??? Are you telling her "All I did was say I was going to sleep in OUR bed, and you're perfectly welcome to join me??"
Last night ended up being a freaking nightmare. A four hour long episode of her begging me to let her go and not bring up her affair during the divorce.
There was yelling, sobbing, begging pleading..you name it, it happened. Once she begged me to make love to her because sex was all she had to offer. She said she would end up having to sell her body because that was all she had. She even said she was thinking about killing herself (not the first time she has said it. Usually when she wants attention)
She said as she sobbed she would have to do the following w/o alimony:
-have to live with her dad -walk to work -couldn't afford health insurance -couldn't afford a car -car insurance -no retirement
etc....
She said she hated O/M for doing this. She said she shouldn't be punished for the rest of her life for one mistake that lasted 3 months out of 18 years..
I hope you get the picture. I think this is typical of her. She wants her way and she is going to pitch a hell of a fit until she gets it.
I am quite sure that we will have another episode in this Soap Opera today.
I just keep telling her I am not going to discuss it.
Advice welcomed
Last edited by lowneil; 07/16/0910:12 AM.
Me 38 / W 37 M 14 yrs S 11/S8 First Bomb: 3/6/2009 EA Second Bomb: 6/4/2009 PA Same House Separate Rooms
Dude, I am so sorry you are going through this, it must be very difficult. But I say stick to your guns. She chose to have the affair, she should have to face the consequences. There is too much non-accountability in this world today. Is reconciliation still on the table? If so, then that is her choice. Work on the marriage, or accept responsibility for her actions and move on.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
I think your wife needs to go on anti-depressants and some anti-anxiety medication ASAP. Is there someone you know who can monitor her behavior while you are at work? She seems very confused on how to deal with the consequences of her actions and having a "nervous breakdown".
this is your question from your first post, after busting your wife in an affair:
Originally Posted By: lowneil
Any ideas on how I can get her to realize that our M is worth trying to fix?
Why are you not angry? do you consider this just a mistake? Steve
Good questions about the affair. I am angry. From my point of view we have a great life, great kids, etc. We struggled financially for many years and we are now propsering. I am thinking: Wow, you have everything - a guy who loves you, provides, a great life, kids...what is going on here? Why aren't you happy.
I have always known that my wife has a predisposition to depression. In fact, she was on anti-depressants once back in 2003-2004. She gained weight and decided that she could handle the depression without meds.
Her Mom is mentally ill and walked out when my W was 6. Her sister is too. So I am sure there is some of that going on.
She wanted to "find herself" again about 2 years ago and went to work part time doing fashion shows for a designer, which involved about 5 nights out of town a month. I supported her and made sure I was available to be home watching the kids even thought I work full time too. I thought that if she had something of her own outside of being a wife and a mom that it would be fulfilling for her.
I guess the reason I am not out of control angry is that I know she is not in a healthy place right now and wouldn't have had an affair if she had been her normal self. I also know that although the affair is certainly not my fault. It wouldn't have happened if our marraige was healthy and I am as responsible for that as she is.
Plus, I am not sure that being angry about it is a solution-oriented approach. I'm dealing with it, it won't kill me.
Me 38 / W 37 M 14 yrs S 11/S8 First Bomb: 3/6/2009 EA Second Bomb: 6/4/2009 PA Same House Separate Rooms
I think your wife needs to see a psychiatrist, as soon as possible. They can help her with some meds, which it would seem that she needs.
Deal with her lovingly and patiently, but don't change your boundaries nor your stance. Remind her frequently that you DON'T want to divorce her, you DIDN'T say to move out of her bed and she's welcome to sleep with you, and that you DO want to work on your marriage if she is willing.
This is huge, and probably at the deep root to most of this:
Quote:
Her Mom is mentally ill and walked out when my W was 6.
If she threatens to hurt herself, call the police immediately.
I think this is typical of her. She wants her way and she is going to pitch a hell of a fit until she gets it.
This is where YOUR contribution to this dysfunction comes in, Neil. I suspect that she is conditioned that IF she pitches a fit long enough, she WILL get her way.
Again, DON'T DO THAT, but stand firm in a loving, compassionate and consistent way.
I would say something like "it's pointless to talk about what I will or won't do if we divorce, when I don't even want a divorce. And if it ever DID come down to that, I'd probably be following my attorney's advice anyway, so can we please drop this?"
I think the MUCH more telling comment is her "You know how to fix this" comment, and to THAT I would simply say:
"This is YOUR mess; YOU need to fix it."
But again, considering her current state of mind, say both of these as lovingly as possible, give her a quick hug, and get the hell outta there with a "I've gotta go ________ (GAL activity) -- I'll talk to you later.
