Damn...how frustrating...perhaps it's time to invite the kids in for a conversation - in which they get to ask what that have to ask - and you get to lead them in their questions a bit...There's a lot to what happened between you and your W that lead up to this - and most of that is way beyond what they can process yet...I still deal with that with my S12, reminding him that though my STBX has changed and shows mostly anger...she's still a good person at heart - and that all we can do is hope that she'll remember that for herself one day and find some happiness...
Which is to say...I think it's important to let your children know that there were problems - and also let them know that you didn't do anything bad...but telling them that might not be as effective as inviting them to talk with you about what they're feeling and what they're afraid of...
I talk with my S12 a lot about what happened with my marriage - and how it fell apart - but I've never told him about her affair or about the possibility (almost certainty) that she had a second affair around when she dropped the bomb...
I guess what it comes down to is that same thing SP mentioned - that we can't harbor ill will toward the WAS...it's just not helpful - especially for the kids. Though I do have to address my STBX's episodes when my S12 is witness to them - and still have to talk about a lot of stuff that he saw and heard over the years - I try to keep him away from the dark stuff - focusing his attention instead on the odd ways in which we're sometimes given opportunities to improve ourselves throughout our lives - and how sometimes those opportunities come through/with a lot of pain and sadness...
