Sandi2, Coach, Puppy and Gucci help!

[Bravehardt]

Hello to all.
I’ve been lurking around here since April reading and learning. But now the time has come for me to consult some of the experts. I‘ve been following Thinker, Orange Dog, and Antlers sitchs. Puppy, Coach and Gucci Loafer all seem to have great intel. Most sitches seem so similar. I need help.

My sitch.

Together 20 Years, Married 17, M 46, W 45, S 17, D 14, D 6, Bomb 3/9/09.

Wife exploded on my D14 the Saturday night prior to the bomb and I came to Ds rescue. Wife went to work the following day and never came home the next night. She text me that she was at her sisters (which she had not been to her home in years) she was unhappy about what I had said to her in my Ds defense. She came home the next morning as I was taking the kids to school and acted as if nothing happened. After dropping the two older kids at school, I then verbally exploded on her (she had stay out like this once some months before). Later that day I basically received the standard list of formalities ILYBNILWY, you should find some that could take care of you, bla-bla, I don’t know who I‘am , I’ve taken care of everybody for so long. The wife asked me to move out for thirty days, at first I was going to do that but did not feel I should. Several days later she suggested that she move in with her mom. A week later she did just that, the kids and I live at the house. I was floored with everything going on.

Some back round up to this point, in the last 9 months her mom became more dependant on her due to dementia, we had an IRS levy in February, and I’m a contractor struggling financial. Up until wife snapped life seemed normal. She works in retail, was spending a little more time with friends (I accepted as her trying to escape her moms constant calling on her). She had shown a lot less interest in family activities. Kids were calling me more often because she would not respond to their calls. Lack of communication has been an issue.

With her sudden change in attitude, I began feeling as if something else might be up. Like an affair? I was angling towards an internet romance because she was dumping history and cookies, all so changed all email passwords. So I went to cell our provider and had a manager pull up the last months account records and main password to the account. The account is in her name through the company she works for. Low and behold there are a set of number with long talk times. This happened before she moved out. So I called both numbers and the same guy answered each number. I showed her the number and she acted like she knew nothing, so then I showed her the bill where she intimated most of the calls. It just a friend, what I can’t have a male friend. I was so angry when she tried to walk away and I grabbed her arm. I wanted details. Anyhow I know I was wrong to physically grab her so I let go and she left. She claims she hasn’t him called since last time on bill. She moved out a couple of days latter.

I had not talked with any one up to that point about what was going on. But a friend finally asked me what was up. So I told him about the sitch and he turned me on to the movie Firestorm and the love dare. A tad bit to late in my case, it ended up looking like I was pursuing and pleading.



April
Looked at the new phone bill and see that she is texting and calling OM. I was hoping that I could trust what she told me. The texting has doubled each month since February.
I called her on but she still play it off like she did not know what I was talking about.
Well I had made a real fine mess out of the matter. I had done everything your not suppose to. I followed her once also, was accused by her as being a stocker. At this point and time she has withdrawn from the kids and myself more each day. She even started talking in legal terms, not saying the D word, but implied. 50% of your is 50% mine. She was not staying at her moms every night. I felt as if she had created a secret life. Easter was weird separate items from each of us to the kids. She has stated that I can talk about anything except us. She seems like teenager in many ways. Alien at times, the voice and eyes of a stranger. She pretty much ignores the older kid and caters to our 6 year old.

Then I came across this site and purchased DR. I’ve practice some of the principle’s but keep going back to feeling out the Rs temperature. I’m trying to understand her. All these symptoms apply WAW, MLC and Depression?


May
Wife is still living at MIL place. MIL moved out with BIL, who had interfered with her mom moving into an assisted care home in November (my wife had set up the whole deal and was very happy to accomplish this). The brother basically told her their mom she could move in with him (he rents a room). MIL tells wife I going to moving in with BIL. So it took him till May to rent a house. MIL moves in for 3 days and BIL puts her in an assisted care home. Anyhow my wife kept MIL apartment for another month. Not much communication from wife up until this time, until till she told us about the above one night at dinner. She had been taking my Ds to stay with her at the apartment once a week and taking them to school a few times a week since this all started. She spent the night for mother’s day. W requested very expensive gift from kids. Ws cousin passed away mid May. I was informed of the service by her uncle. She proceeded to let me know that she would attend with her children and be with her family (who don’t know were separated). I informed her that I would be paying my respects and that infuriated her. I attended and she threw a fit in the parking lot.

June
She moves out of MIL apartment and doesn’t tell kids or I with who or where. She quits helping me out with the kids (taking or picking them up from school). My D 14 cut herself and tells me it because she feels it’s her fault were separated, and is try to relieve the pain. W ignores my text and photo of the cuts on Ds arm. Takes W over 9 hours to callback and claims she was working. I arrange counseling for D. The following week W calls from work phone twice worried about the dog in a thunder storm. What the hell ? The kids get out for summer vacation and I ask her if she’ll be able to help me out over the summer. She says she is working 4am to 1pm. Basically no. So I figure out my own schedule. Then the following week W calls to tell me her work hours and is pissed because it doesn’t flow with my schedule. Then her car breaks down on fathers day weekend and tells me about it on Saturday. I ask some questions in which she answered in a way that sounded like she handled it on her own (because she told me she is exercising her independence in the past). Father’s day she tells S that I blew her off and left her hanging. W text me happy Father’s day in the afternoon. I text back thanks, how r u. did every thing work out ok yesterday. No she replies, can you give me a ride to work. I did give her a ride to work, found out where she lives. I also paid for the repairs to her car. Just crazy stuff from her, like maybe there’s a chance and then there is not. She has requested that she spend every other weekend with kids at our home and that I should leave. This has taken place twice only a Friday night till she works the following day.

July
My girls stayed with her last week for the first time. She had asked if D 6 could spend the night with her and I told her that she need to tell me who she lived with.
Which turned into a mild fight, her stating that we should then have lawyer draw up a legal separation, and I blurted out why stop there. I went out side to calm down and she came out and I told her that I don’t want to fight with her. She then told me who she lived with. Then I had my monthly R talk with her. and agreed to let the girls stay with her.

So here I am. I have fast forwarded over a bunch of stuff and tried to shorten it up. I ‘am to the point of filing myself and need some help and perspective. Sandi2 I’ve read some of your posting and they hit home. I’ve been trying to distance my self from the sitch but with kids involved it’s been hard to. Extremely hard to see the effects it has on them day in and out, all three have brought me to tears in one way or another.

I’ve detached but not for very long. Dropped the rope? 180s, GAL yes. Ignoring text and phone calls, yes.

I look forward to any advice from all the knowledgeable people here. Thanks.