Yep, another WAW - in last resort

[lonelywolf]

I understand last resort is counter-intuitive, but I just want to talk to my wife on the phone.

Actually, I think that's one reason she refuses to talk to me - I might be able to convince her to call it off. The last time we did talk, she made what I thought was an off-handed comment "you're very good at making convincing arguments." Perhaps she thinks if we actually talked, I would explain why this is a very bad idea.

Or perhaps not. It just hurts not talking to someone I've talked to everyday for the last 11 years.

Well, for now, I just have to focus on myself and making myself a better person and repenting for my crappy behavior.

[MrBond]

Don't call. I feel that there is alot missing from your sitch. What were some of her faults? It's very easy for the LBS to take on all the blame especially when the WAS tears into them. But it is NEVER all your fault.

What were HER issues? And I don't mean maybe post-partum, I mean what were the real tangible problems that she contributed to the M.

Right now, it really sounds like she has OM. Usually they don't jump ship that quickly unless there's someone driving a life raft nearby.

Fill in the gaps here for us.

[lonelywolf]

I think the main problems she had were that she still somewhat had the attitude of her parents towards *those* types of people. My parents loved her, but she never seemed quite comfortable around our blue-collar lifestyle. Debt bothered her, but rather than try to work it out, she just nagged and yelled. She has never wanted for anything growing up, because her "upper middle class" (but really upper class) parents are loaded.

I think the main thing was there was no clear communication between us - we both got angry, but never really resolved any of the issues we got angry about. We both were and are terrible at communication.

And it wasn't quickly - she said she's almost left me twice in the last two years, but decided against it. This summer, with her parents (she sort of does have an OM - her parents are basically a sugar daddy unit at this point) basically provided an easy way for her to finally leave me.

I had to communicate with her today over finances, but I kept it neutral and avoided saying "I love you." I did let her know my goals, but I made it clear I was doing this to save myself rather than our marriage (if it does save the marriage - great. But I have to become a better man anyway).

[MrBond]

What were her reasons for almost leaving the other times?

I wouldn't put too much emphasis on her thinking that you were beneath her status even though her parents might. She M you after all.

[lonelywolf]

She said she almost left for the reasons she's leaving now: My debt and my anger.

She has a temper as bad as mine, but in either case I really shouldn't get angry. I am getting anger management counseling now, which I should have done a long time ago. And I'm paying down my debt - I actually have about a third the debt I did 5 years ago, but she's deathly afraid of it. She actually let it slip that she almost called off our engagement when she found out I had student loans (and her parents tried to convince her to do so).

This time, what I think did it, was that since I earned the money, she let me pay the bills. She was never fully aware of all the credit card balances (other than that they existed). Just before she declared she was leaving me, she asked me for access to the account balances online. While at first, it seemed a little unusual, I acquiesced. Then she went through every charge for the last six months and told me that she found $2100 dollars in frivolous charges. She didn't ask me to explain them, and when I tried, she refused to listen.

Though that may have been her looking for an excuse.

I am going to pay off the credit cards completely by the end of the year (barring some medical or other serious emergency). Debt is stupid anyway, and I've relied on those damn cards too much. I need to live within my means more. And some of those purchases were frivolous (though not all).

[MrBond]

Personally, anyone who would D over money is pretty shallow. As long as it's responsible spending of course. I think emotionally she's got something else going on.

Your youngest is only a few months old, do you think it could be post partum?

[lonelywolf]

I don't know if its really money - that may just be the symptom. PPD may fit into it. It may also be fear - everything is changing at once - I graduated with my Ph.D., I still don't have a solid job, we've left the state we lived in for the last six years, etc. Right now our situation isn't too stable, so she may be looking for stability with her parents.

I don't know. Not all of my spending was responsible - some of it was pure stupid. But it was never meant as malicious or selfish, though I can see how she would perceive it that way. Better communication might have helped ease the tensions there.

If we do get back together, I'm going to make sure we get some marriage counseling - preferably through our church.

[lonelywolf]

No response to my latest e-mail, even though it was strictly business. But I do know they're visiting her grandmother in another state for a week, so she may not have computer access. That's fine - the less contact at this point, the better.

If I had read DR earlier and listened to my mother and not pushed so hard when I thought she was going to leave, I bet that she wouldn't have brought up the D word so soon. It was the barrage of alternatively pleading and argumentative e-mails and phone messages over the course of three days that pushed her over the edge, methinks.

[lonelywolf]

Well, still no response. I guess that's to be expected. She may not have even checked her e-mail yet. We'll they'll be back at her parents place next week.

Hopefully she'll go back to church. I can't say for sure clergydude is "on" my side or anything, but he doesn't like divorce and talked to me for over an hour to get my side of the story. He said he'd encourage her to work it out - but she's been away from that church for two sundays.

Well, I just keep praying and staying in the Last Resort and improving myself. We're just so far apart with no communication, I doubt she'll even notice.

[mac-ct]

Lonelywolf,

I can see you are trying so hard to work out that THE problem was and why no reply and and and and ad infinitum.

Money, PPD and any of a million of other things could be the answer. You'll never know until the day she truthfully tells you. Stop banging your head on the wall - it'll make you dizzy.

My W gave me a whole list of things when she left. Since then all the old stuff has gone. It has come down to just one thing - she thought I wasn't showing her enough respect. Not true but it is in her reality.

Communication: My W did the same thing. No replies apart from a couple that said "and it's still all about you" etc. Then silence. Black hole. This has been getting better in my case - text messages, answering phone calls and lately meetings (keep up with the news on my thread in Newcomers Rays of Hope) so I can only hope it'll happen for you.

It'll happen when it happens. Give her space and try not to worry. As other people here say - she is thinking about this just as much as you are. She's in processing mode. Leave her buttons alone and give her time. You spend the time sorting yourself out.

And stop overanalyzing things. Google in this case is NOT your friend

Last thing - roping other people in may be counterproductive at this stage.
My W was absolutely positive that she was right and nobody would change that stance. The last thing she needs at the moment is pressure.

Keep your chin up

CT