What a weekend...

[mindfull]

HealthyDad...

I'm a soccer mom of two club players (one plays ODP). We're so warped that my H plays on the Dad's team, and I play on the Mom's team. I've played four seasons (indoor). First season out... torn ACL! The brace stinks! But, like my shoulder, it feels super now!

[mindfull]

OK, Men, I thought we were friends! Am I chopped liver? LOL I'm here, too (ish)! Next time, SP... Next time, Alex... Someone will have to keep you guys in line!

[AlexEN]

Where here?

[AlexEN]

Quoting A&K...

F*ckity f*ck f*ck...sh*t sh*t f*ck f*ck...

Now, I know just what she means...

Why?

Not sure just what to make of this, but it is one of those stomach-churners and mind-benders...

So, I get a message from S9's counselor early this afternoon telling me she had told W a story she (counselor) wanted us both to hear, but which we could not share with S9, because he would know that the source had to be her (thus hurting the trust that she and S9 have developed)...

Played tag with her during the day and we finally caught up this evening. And what she wanted us to know is that S9 said he and S14 had talked about things and what they "know" is that "Daddy did something really bad" and Mommy wants a divorce because she won't give him a second chance.

Yet, they are still mad at her because of this... They still think it is selfish and unfair, but they know it is because I did something really bad!

Sheesh... Sheesh is right!... How upside-down is this?

Of course, W hasn't said one word about this to me... Not that I would expect her to, but, $hit, if the roles were reversed, I'd tell her... Hey, I can't have them believing that, first opportunity I get that doesn't give up Dr. B, I'll make sure they know that that isn't true... or something like that. Heck, I might even want to do the honorable thing and tell them I've done some very bad things but it is still I that want a divorce...

Now I know none of that would ever even cross her mind, but here I am with my boys thinking I've done something really bad...

The ultimate irony is that they are this angry with her believing what they know. How will they feel if/when they find out the real story?

In the meanwhile, they think it's about second chances...

-AlexEN

[SmileysPerson]

if the roles were reversed, I'd tell her.

Of course you would. Doesn't do you a bit of good for them to have ill-will towards WAW. Earlier this week I got a text from WAW, feeling sorry for herself, asking "when and if" she could call our kids on the mobile. "When and If?" I replied. What's with that? Well, sez WAW, D6 kept yelling to her brother that "the monster is on the phone" when she called the other night.

So that was on Saturday and WAW texted me the "when and if" on Tuesday. Now I know WAW pretty well -- clearly she brooded about this for days.

*Sigh. See? This is our problem in a nutshell. No communication. I mean, LITERALLY no communication.

Had WAW bothered to text me at that moment -- or just after S9 got off with her after D6 -- "Y D6 call me monster on phone?", she would have learned that D6 was saying "The Mom-ster is on the phone," since both she and S9 have apparently decided that all proper nouns sound much cooler when -ster is appended to them.

And I would have told her that, just like AlexEN would have told his WAW about S's evaluations.

Why?

Because we're honest brokers.

Unlike some others who shall remain nameless. (Hint -- starts with "W")

[healthydad]

Damn...how frustrating...perhaps it's time to invite the kids in for a conversation - in which they get to ask what that have to ask - and you get to lead them in their questions a bit...There's a lot to what happened between you and your W that lead up to this - and most of that is way beyond what they can process yet...I still deal with that with my S12, reminding him that though my STBX has changed and shows mostly anger...she's still a good person at heart - and that all we can do is hope that she'll remember that for herself one day and find some happiness...

Which is to say...I think it's important to let your children know that there were problems - and also let them know that you didn't do anything bad...but telling them that might not be as effective as inviting them to talk with you about what they're feeling and what they're afraid of...

I talk with my S12 a lot about what happened with my marriage - and how it fell apart - but I've never told him about her affair or about the possibility (almost certainty) that she had a second affair around when she dropped the bomb...

I guess what it comes down to is that same thing SP mentioned - that we can't harbor ill will toward the WAS...it's just not helpful - especially for the kids. Though I do have to address my STBX's episodes when my S12 is witness to them - and still have to talk about a lot of stuff that he saw and heard over the years - I try to keep him away from the dark stuff - focusing his attention instead on the odd ways in which we're sometimes given opportunities to improve ourselves throughout our lives - and how sometimes those opportunities come through/with a lot of pain and sadness...

How do you think you'll proceed?

-carlos.

[aliveandkicking]

Alex- Did the counselor give you any guidance as to what to do with this information?

[AlexEN]

Alex- Did the counselor give you any guidance as to what to do with this information?

She asked us both not to mention to S9 because she wants to make sure he continues to speak to her in confidence (and because only she could be source of the story unless he offers it up).

She also said he refuses to talk about the divorce because "it isn't going to happen". So, he's very much in denial.

So, her answer was to do nothing with it for the time being, which is d*mn frustrating because it just leaves it out there hanging...

[aliveandkicking]

Ahhh f*ck. I am so sorry. I can only hope and assume this is all happening for a reason.

[AlexEN]

Carlos,

Which is to say...I think it's important to let your children know that there were problems - and also let them know that you didn't do anything bad...but telling them that might not be as effective as inviting them to talk with you about what they're feeling and what they're afraid of...

Short of telling them I didn't do anything bad, I have done the above... I don't want to smother them with it, but they each know they can talk to me about what they are feeling... They are liberal with that (except for D11), but this came as a surprise to me...

I talk with my S12 a lot about what happened with my marriage - and how it fell apart - but I've never told him about her affair or about the possibility (almost certainty) that she had a second affair around when she dropped the bomb...

And you think telling him that it is even more difficult for you to be friendly (or friendy as @Smiley would say) with her because she had inappropriate friendships with other men would be harmful to him in what way? Would it not be truthful? Would it not help him make more sense of the situation? It need not be expressed as ill-will; it isn't d*mning, but it is factual. Stated in the negative; isn't it possibly more unhealthy for him not to have enough of the story to make sense of it?

I try to keep him away from the dark stuff - focusing his attention instead on the odd ways in which we're sometimes given opportunities to improve ourselves throughout our lives - and how sometimes those opportunities come through/with a lot of pain and sadness...

Not sure why, but that strikes me as a very heavy message for a child to understand. There are many of us who have been told similarly on these very boards that still wrestle with that very concept...

How do you think you'll proceed?

Gonna have to sleep on it. Don't want to give the Dr. up, so I don't want to probe the matter with S9. I guess when the opportunity presents itself, I will let him know that, as far a I know, I didn't do anything "really bad". Hope W present if and when this happens and she has "decency" to so offer on her own (or second if I have to say it), but that is not in my control. I get the impression Dr. will try to probe on this one, as she was clearly taken a back by it. Maybe I can even ask her to have him ask me or W if I did something bad... Still thinking... But, my eyelids are drooping...

-AlexEN