We may have a chance after all

[optimist]

Bill, do you have a title for your new Piecing thread?

[NoLongerHere]

Nope - not yet. Uh oh - now it's going to have to be profound and significant. Poetic. Too much pressure! Any thoughts?

[nightshade]

HI twin, was away for the weekend. I was happy to read your posts. Love the red lipstick hehehehe.
As for trying to act as if nothing happened, well, I think it's a standart procedure after the affair - at least for a big percentage of people. MIne did that... twice of course one for each affair.
First one I gave him space, didn't push much conversation past what we really needed to talk and decided to let it go at that. This time I wasn't going to let it happen again. I am giving him plenty of time between conversation but he has to owe to whatever he did, not just pretend it didn't happen. Is this any better ? Don't know, but hey I'm trying ot be original here
No, really I think I decided to do it because I'm wondering if the fact that I let it go the first time had in any way something to do with it happening again. Regardless I'm not pushing it all at once and right now.. I'm going slowly.
Hugsies
P.S. Still have to go out tonight until 10pm might only come back here tomorrow depending on how sleepy i am when I get home.
nightshade

[optimist]

This one is not going to scape without the talking. Not communicating got us in the mess to begin with. I am in my office waiting for him to come and pick me up. He wanted to go out for dinner tonight!

How is your sitch going, twin?

[optimist]

Disclaimer: do not read this if your PMA is in trouble. I do not want to mess anybody else up. The contents of this post may hurt your sensibility.
(And no, I am not a lawyer, so this disclaimer is unlikely to be legally binding).

More journaling:

So far no movement in the R talk front. I am getting more and more impatient and having very negative vibes about it. And he acts as if nothing ever happened. Yes, he includes me in what he does, we go out a lot and he is making small concessions. But that is easy.

I strongly suspect the reason he has not brought his clothes from the office and from OW's house is because he has not told her we are back together. It does not even have to be that they have restarted the A, he just keeps her there in reserve. In case our R sours or I kick him back out.

Last year, after we went to Retrouvaille, my H had told me his office manager would be leaving in Sept. Stupid me, I did not have an idea that he had an A (he had denied it for years!) and never made a connection there.

It is already a year and she is still there. And he is making no moves to get rid of her. I am so very, very tired. I am tired of being humilliated, of having to call my H on the cell phone if I do not want to hear her voice, of not getting any money from him for the upkeep of the house and having him tell everybody about "our home." I am so sick of being a single mother with a H. I am tired of playing the 'nothing-ever-happened-we-are-a-perfect-family' BS. I am tired of having to lie to my mother everytime she calls because she does not know we are back together... Get the picture?

In November it will be 1 year since she sent me the letter and 6 months since I learned that the A existed and had been the hidden cause of all our troubles all this time. If she is not out by Christmas I think I am going to go ahead with the D. I just cannot trust him with OW around. It is a question of time we have another problem and he goes back to her. And that is not the kind of life I want. Not for me, and not for my daughter.

And yes, he did do nice things yesterday. And fixed breakfast today, and plans to go out in the evening with us. There are lots of positives. I know, I should be grateful and happy. But I am not. I am so unhappy and mad that I feel like crying (not a thing I do very often).

Sorry for the venting, but I feel better just by putting my thoughts down in words. It helps me clarify my feelings and sort my emotions. And prevents them from churning my insides into a knot. Or spilling over perfectly innocent people.

[KutieKat]

please forgive me if this sounds glib, but no one said piecing was gonna be easy.

we are gonna have our ups and our downs, and our minds are going to constantly play tricks with us

being tired is such a real feeling. and when your tired life doesn't look rosey. i understand all your hurt and frustration - well gosh, all of us do because we are all living it as well

i hope writing things down helped you cope a bit better

{{{optimist}}}

kitti

[optimist]

Thanks, Kitti, I needed the 2 x 4. And the hug

And yes, writing it down helps. It makes me confront my feelings and not let them fester inside. If I do not write them down they start to take a life of their own and haunt me, and they tend to color everything I do or feel.

Once I have written what I feel I get a clearer picture of what I want to change. Not that that helps to change it... Weird, ain't it?

How I wish Patience were my middle name...

For a less biased perspective, lets review my goals:

1. OW will no longer work for him by Xmas (major must: a sine qua non)
2. He will keep me involved in his office (I have no intention of letting this happen again).
3. We will talk about each other feelings and plans (he is getting better at it: just last night he asked me to take him to the airport on Fri for a same day bussiness trip; before he would not have told me or just mention it at the last minute).
4. We will spend 15 hours a week together (no work, no kid, only fun): we are doing about 6-10 now which is a huge improvement
5. He will be able to tell me things he does not like without feeling he is letting me down (getting better).

1 and 2: absolutely no progress so far. They are the major reason I have poor PMA
3. Getting slowly better. A few plans trickled and we include each other in work activities.
4. Definitely good. I think we are pretty close to the 15 hours now
5. Also slightly better. I asked him yesterday whether he was going to go to the counsellor anymore and he said 'no'. He kind of spoilt it later by trying to hint that he'd call her next week but it is progress. Before he'd have lied.

See, I do have some perspective

[Trying24now]

Wow Opt,

How will you accomplish your #5?

5. He will be able to tell me things he does not like without feeling he is letting me down (getting better).

Because that is a BIG one for my H as well. He never SAYS what bothers him, instead he lets it fester and then...oops run away and play hide the salami with another woman.
T2

[optimist]

It is difficult. His mother was a very controlling woman who would make huge (and I mean really huge) theatrical scenes when things were not as she wanted them.

That kind of behavior trained him not to confront her (and by association anyone, especially W) and do what he wanted on the side. He would always have her face a done deal.

One of the good things of our sitch is that we have learned to talk to each other better. I have to bring the subject up always (which can be pretty tiring) but in the last couple of months he will listen a bit. Not for long, but better than nothing.

I have tried to keep calm regardless of what he says, show him that even if I do not like it, he is entitled to his own opinion. It has worked up to a point but it is painfully slow.

[shinybear]

Opt, I can't say I blame you AT ALL with being FED UP with OW still working for your H. Christmas is more than a reasonable deadline.

It IS a major stumbling block to building up your R and BEGINNING to regain your trust in H. Now, just HOW To go about meeting that goal.....

Shiny