Mother's Day Disaster

[ACJ]

Thank you BM for your very thoughtful post.

As for the dose of reality. It may well be that BUT for me this has now gone past the point of no return. An affair I could forgive but a baby with another woman is just one ask too many.

[BeingMe]

I would've felt the same. So, knowing this, it should be much easier to move on? The last string is cut, as it were?

Time to get your kids back home. Do all you can within the law and within your own conscience to do so, IMHO.

[kat727]

I am so sorry to hear your most recent news regarding H. What a mess he has made for himself!! This is his problem. There are some other people over on Infidelity that are dealing with this sort of thing and still trying to save their marriage. Sugar and Spice is one you may want to talk to.

Now about you, congrats on your degree!! Look at your tag line...Watch out 2009 because here I come!!!!! Maybe you should post that somewhere that you can see it everyday to remind yourself of the direction you are going. Be there for your kids, keep working on fabulous you and the heck with H, he doesn't deserve the time of day.

hugs, kat

[ACJ]

So, knowing this, it should be much easier to move on?

It should be but right now the pain I'm in feels insurmountable. I feel like I'm right back at the beginning. I'd got over the fact that my H was sleeping with another woman now every time I close my eyes that's all I can see.

Younger daughter reported to older one today that the baby was planned. Of course that may not be 100% of the truth but that must be hurting them so much and I am powerless to do anything about it. I feel so useless.


I called in sick today. I just couldn't face going to work. I'm supposed to be on a course tomorrow but I won't be going on that either. I need to try and get myself back on track for Friday otherwise I won't be up to my graduation either.

[ACJ]

Kat thank you for pointing me towards Sugar and Spice. Reconciling is no longer an option for me. I feel like H might just have well put a gun to my head and pulled the trigger. Why would I want to reconcile with a man who would do that?

[kat727]

There are women that do. There is still something there. I am not saying that is what you want. I just wanted to let you know that there are women trying to work through that.

I know this hurts and I am sorry. In my situation I am glad I got Ex to get fixed so I won't have that nightmare unless he gets it reversed. I am trying very hard to make my life my own and not to worry about what he does anymore. Half of what he tries to tell me about are just lies anyway. He is toxic to me. I don't want him in my life but sadly I do need my alimony and child support to raise our 4 kids.

Focus on you and what time you do have with your kids as much as you can. They will need you to get through this.

kat

[ACJ]

There are women that do. There is still something there. I am not saying that is what you want. I just wanted to let you know that there are women trying to work through that.

I knew what you meant Kat. If I came across as aggressive I apologise. I was very upset when I wrote my last post.

They will need you to get through this

You are right. I just wish I could make them understand that I need some support from them too.

[BeingMe]

Hi ACJ, I know how you must be feeling really awful, but you know what --- the world is still going to turn, life will continue and you will survive this.

Okay, my next statement is going to come off rough, but I don't know how else to say it, and of course, I may be wrong, so I apologise in advance if I hurt your feelings or I have misunderstood you in some way ....

I just wish I could make them understand that I need some support from them too.

You cannot make them understand, ACJ, and it's not fair of you to ask it of them. It's not their job to support you, but yours to make this major event in their young lives as bearable as possible. You need support from friends, family or an IC. It doesn't matter that your H is in the wrong and you are right. As I wrote before, you have to make your home the fun, calm, home where they will want to go. Not where they are expected to support you through this crisis. You are the mom so tell them you're okay and they are not to worry. I know you generally try and not let them see when you've been crying, or upset, but this statement of yours makes me think that somehow you are allowing your expectations to leach through to them. They may unknowingly feel guilty for not being able to help you without letting go of their dad. Think about this really seriously, ACJ.

You are such an awesome, interesting person, ACJ, and I get that just from your written word. Don't sell yourself short, don't allow this setback to mess up the things for which you have worked so hard, and don't allow yourself to grieve too long about this 'final straw'. Get everything you can out of the D, and move on to a brighter, happier future. It's yours, if you really want it.

I remember from the beginning how hard it was for you to let go, to detach, and I think you, even up to now, still had a little bit of hope that he would realise his mistake and come back. This may've stopped you from fully embracing your new life. Let go, ACJ. Life is too short to allow this to affect yours negatively.

As Abe Lincoln said, "most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be." You are in control of your life. No-one else can decide your mind for you.

Take care.

[Andabelle]

Wasn't Lincoln bi-polar?!

[ACJ]

BM,
Maybe 'support' was the wrong word to use. Either way I see your point. You are right about the lack of detachment. Even now when it is past the point of no return I want to reach out to my H so much. Not to make him come back but to ask him to let me go so that I can move forward. I know I can't do that b/c asking would only make him go in the opposite direction and I can't afford to go any further back.

Tonight I've been out for tea with my old boss. We were discussing what has happened and she said that deep down I must still have some feelings for H. She is right. As the mother of his children I think I always will have. However it did set me off thinking. Being the mother of hs children was the one thing that I had that OW didn't. Now I don't have that exclusivity and I think that is what is hurting so much. She has now taken everythig away from me. Maybe she felt she had to in order to ensure H remained 'hers'. I don't know.

At the same time I want to write to h askiing him not to screw up this new child's life in the same way that he done with our children. Again there isn't much point as he is still very much in denial/replay so it wouldn't make one scap of diffenrence. I know I'm a control freak, always have been and probably always will be, and the fact that i am powerless to protect my children from his selfishness is really affecting me deeply.

All that being said, I do now feel much better and am determined to enjoy my grduation tomorrow.