We may have a chance after all

[optimist]

Disclaimer: do not read this if your PMA is in trouble. I do not want to mess anybody else up. The contents of this post may hurt your sensibility.
(And no, I am not a lawyer, so this disclaimer is unlikely to be legally binding).

More journaling:

So far no movement in the R talk front. I am getting more and more impatient and having very negative vibes about it. And he acts as if nothing ever happened. Yes, he includes me in what he does, we go out a lot and he is making small concessions. But that is easy.

I strongly suspect the reason he has not brought his clothes from the office and from OW's house is because he has not told her we are back together. It does not even have to be that they have restarted the A, he just keeps her there in reserve. In case our R sours or I kick him back out.

Last year, after we went to Retrouvaille, my H had told me his office manager would be leaving in Sept. Stupid me, I did not have an idea that he had an A (he had denied it for years!) and never made a connection there.

It is already a year and she is still there. And he is making no moves to get rid of her. I am so very, very tired. I am tired of being humilliated, of having to call my H on the cell phone if I do not want to hear her voice, of not getting any money from him for the upkeep of the house and having him tell everybody about "our home." I am so sick of being a single mother with a H. I am tired of playing the 'nothing-ever-happened-we-are-a-perfect-family' BS. I am tired of having to lie to my mother everytime she calls because she does not know we are back together... Get the picture?

In November it will be 1 year since she sent me the letter and 6 months since I learned that the A existed and had been the hidden cause of all our troubles all this time. If she is not out by Christmas I think I am going to go ahead with the D. I just cannot trust him with OW around. It is a question of time we have another problem and he goes back to her. And that is not the kind of life I want. Not for me, and not for my daughter.

And yes, he did do nice things yesterday. And fixed breakfast today, and plans to go out in the evening with us. There are lots of positives. I know, I should be grateful and happy. But I am not. I am so unhappy and mad that I feel like crying (not a thing I do very often).

Sorry for the venting, but I feel better just by putting my thoughts down in words. It helps me clarify my feelings and sort my emotions. And prevents them from churning my insides into a knot. Or spilling over perfectly innocent people.