I have seen that backfire before -- the spouse goes with a closed mind, and leaves the same as he walked in the door, and the LBS has then agreed to divorce. But even without Retrouvaille as a bargaining chip, I see many couples on this board divorce when only one wants it, because the other is powerless to stop it. So I think that is something that only you can decide for yourself.
Hi HHH, I was just about to post that Sara probably knows much better than I, then I saw her post
My 2 cents is that I agree with her - I think when 1 spouse goes in with a closed mind, nothing much can be expected. Having said that, I dragged my W there.
I don't know, but I think in your place, I might say something like "Look, it's giving us a chance to communicate better. If a miracle happens and we think we may have a chance, this would have been so worth it. if you still want a D, at least we can talk through things better even if I still want to stay and try.".
Hoping things work out for you ...
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
Hi all, I am so sad. H and I had dinner on Sunday and I brought it up...he seemed hesitant that it was pointless if he's already made up his mind, but did ask about dates and that he would think about it (maybe he was just trying to appease me). He called today to pick something up and I asked him about it again - since he'll be leaving for about 7 weeks and program is right after he gets back. I'm afraid it pushed him away... he kept saying he does not want to go and wants to start papers sooner rather than later. This is the worst time - my mom is going in for open heart surgery tomorrow...I am scared for her and devastated about my marriage. Every time I cling on to a small bit of hope, it is squashed again. My friends keep telling me 'he's gone'... he still blames me for everything and why we are here - that he tried before and i was difficult, or that i'd put him down over the yrs. He is re-writing history, seeing me only as the bad guy (i've taken ownership of what i've done), and pushing to be done.
I asked to go to Retro for healing/closure/communication and I'm afraid it might have backfired...but at the same time I wanted answers and not to leave in limbo. I think he's done. What can I do - besides pray, i go to church every day - to see if he might be willing to go in Sept when he returns?? I can drop it for now and pick it up again then, but i just feel he wants to walk away completely from this marriage and is set on D. Help! I feel so alone and devastated...how will I get through this?
hhh-I've made two weekends, but am no expert, not by a longshot. I remember how scared I was to make the phone call the first time. Even more scared afterward, handing the phone number to H and asking him to make his call. Then I waited. Surprisingly, H called the next day. IMO, Retrouvaille is a fantastic program. Out of respect for the process, I purposely don't talk much about the details. I will tell you it is normal to have second thoughts. For what it's worth, unless your H refuses to make the call, you really have nothing to lose. The seven weeks may actually be a blessing. Perhaps a new approach? I don't know what you mean by bringing the subject up. Can you simply hand H the phone number and tell him, "They'd like you to call"? Then stop talking. Peace, Goldey p.s. Like Sara said, the weekends do get full, so it would be a good idea to reserve your spot. Have you made your initial call to your local coordinators?
By bringing up the suject I meant subject of retrouvaille. We've been separated close to 8 months, living apart (both 32, no kids, he just graduated business school and feels like he has this new lease on life, and i did not appreciate him enough etc etc).
I gave him info about Retro close to a month ago... brought it up 2 weeks ago and he said "what's the point if I've already made up my mind (that he wants a divorce)?" I've spoken with many people at local Retro chapters and it sounds wonderful. I brought it up when we had dinner on sunday, and again today (given that i wont see him for close to 2 months), and he said 'give it up - i don't want to do it and i want to start the D process... Maybe read my earlier thread here if you have a sec. I feel like I've tried everything. He has the # for retro program on the forms i've given him and said to call if he has questions. I even said ok please go as a last resort and if you want out at the end of the weekend i will give you D.
Are you suggesting that he call Retro people himself? Should I do this now or at end of summer when he returns (we'll still have a couple wks before the session begins)? I am terrified by my bringing it up several times across the past months i've pushed him away more...but regardless of what i do/say, he has been telling me consistently across the past 6 months he's done and moving on and i should too.
I look at this at one last attempt to save my marriage, or just have been communication...he tells me it's false hope that i want him to go to this... i told him i'd pay and everything... do i basically keep pressuring/drag him there.
Thanks for your thoughts Goldey. I only wish he'd go... that's all I want right now. I am terrified my marriage is over - it sounds like he is totally done and feels like there is too much past hurt (even though no infidelity or abuse or anything like that, just hurtful things said over the yrs) to get beyond it. I want to just go for healing/closure I tell him. Maybe when he comes back he'll change his mind? or is this all totally false hope? Any other ideas you have would be great... was your marriage almost done when you went?
oh and when you said you were terrified to make the call what are you referring to, to R people or to H? I've talked to many R folks about it... but husband just doesn't seem point of going
I think you have done all that you can do for now. I agree with you that he thinks he has a new lease on life with the new degree. Just because you are not going to prevent him from divorcing you doesn't mean that you have to help him divorce you. He may not file or take any action in the near future. I would wait until he comes back before discussing it again.
Thank you Sara for your thoughts... you've clearly been an angel to many people on this site... I will let go for now, and see what happens come early Sept.
Are you suggesting that he call Retro people himself?
Yup. But that's the process for Oregon. Kind of a 50/50 deal. In other words, I could not have signed up for both of us. IMO, the process is more effective when each party goes in feeling like they are on equal footing. In other words, if I felt that my H had been talking w/ the Retro folks for some time, and I had to play catch up, I'd be skeptical. All I'm suggesting is that you may have a better experience if you are not the 'driver'. His 'give it up' response sorta tells it all. I'll bet Sara's right, you may not be able to do any more for now. But, if you do decide to ask again, I'd strongly suggest that your goal be to ask him to call, not to convince him to attend the weekend. Either he'll call them or he won't. Let the coordinators do their job. Make sense? I'll go back and read your earlier stuff. As for me and our sitch...The first weekend ('97) was initiated by me. At that time, we had three little kids, and very poor communication habits. We learned some basics, attended the posts, but didn't stick with it beyond the first year. While not unheard of, the program unually doesn't have repeat visitors. Our second weekend was in Feb '08, and this time, H took the lead to register. At that point I was already consulting L's, so I guess you could say yes, we were in a bad spot when the weekend rolled around. Again, attended the posts, and got more out of it than I expected.
