Called W at work and said how about I meet you up there and she said yes.
Also, she is trying to set up a consultation with a couple of attorneys. I'm pretty sure this is a fear based reaction to an R talk we had this morning. We will see if she actually goes through with it.
Telephone Coach advised me to keep doing what's working and not focus on planning for a D.
I called my parents and I am going to send the kids to them this weekend and see if I can set up a dinner and watch Fireproof with my W on Sat. Night. My Coach said that Fireproof may wake her up.
Me 38 / W 37 M 14 yrs S 11/S8 First Bomb: 3/6/2009 EA Second Bomb: 6/4/2009 PA Same House Separate Rooms
Called W at work and said how about I meet you up there and she said yes.
Why? This seems to be "rescuing" behavior to me, which is what's led to her little pity party in the first place???
Other than the HOLDING HER advice (which I ALWAYS think is appropriate, and does wonders), I think you should ratchet waaayyy back on the "Rescuing the Princess" stuff.
My Coach and I talked and she asked what seemed to be working and I said we always had a good time going to movies, dinner, etc. She said to defintely keep doing it as long as W was willing to.
Not sure if it's right or not, but I will see and adjust.
Me 38 / W 37 M 14 yrs S 11/S8 First Bomb: 3/6/2009 EA Second Bomb: 6/4/2009 PA Same House Separate Rooms
So dinner didn't go so well. Mainly because she is pissed that I kicked her out of her bedroom and then let her bawl for hours about it.
Went back through all the times I have hurt her since we have been together, how much she hates me.
She said I am meeting with an attorney and we are getting a divorce. She said the only thing I ask is that it is amicable and you don't bring up the affair (she knows she won't get alimony if the affair comes out and I have proof)
So, I tried to actively listen which pissed her off. And, I wouldn't agree to not bringing up the affair in court. I just said "I'm really sorry that you want a divorce, I want to work on our marriage and I refuse to participate in this divorce talk"
That sort of threw her over the edge, so I told her I needed to get some work done.
Me 38 / W 37 M 14 yrs S 11/S8 First Bomb: 3/6/2009 EA Second Bomb: 6/4/2009 PA Same House Separate Rooms
She followed me into the office begging (while she is bawling and sobbing) me not to bring up the affair in court. Still saying I'm not discussing divorce. Am I doing the right thing here. Part of me wants to say fine, I won't bring up the affair. But my coach said we need to hold onto that in case we need it.
Help!!!!
Last edited by lowneil; 07/16/0901:49 AM.
Me 38 / W 37 M 14 yrs S 11/S8 First Bomb: 3/6/2009 EA Second Bomb: 6/4/2009 PA Same House Separate Rooms
Well.... My feeling is that calling her was a mistake... it doesn't seem to me that talking to her is helping!
Let her talk when she wants to. Try to listen, but don't commit to anything. If she didn't want the affair brought into court she probably shouldn't have had it, don't you think? Agreeing to not bring it up isn't going to get you anything.
If she didn't want the affair brought into court she probably shouldn't have had it, don't you think? Agreeing to not bring it up isn't going to get you anything.
Got to agree with VH here. The way to control what other people say about you, particularly in court, is to control your actions. She made her bed. She needs to lie in it. And, if she doesn't like it, she can reconcile with her husband.
She strikes me as a the kid who only wants to play a game if he can win all the time. Nobody wins all the time.
DO NOT promise you will not bring it up in court. Continue to tell her that you do not want a divorce - - but that if she insists on getting one that you will discuss with your attorney what will be brought up in court.
Honey, she is just trying to manipulate you. Do not worry about her tears. Be very patient with her, but do not strike out in anger or react to her nonsense, do not be baited. Keep telling yourself as she begging you not to bring it up that THIS is exactly WHY people should not have affairs! Because when the truth comes out it is very hurtful and painful and embarassing, not to mention the destruction to the family and children!!! This is her mess. Even if you try to rescue her, she has to clean up her own mess no matter what you do. She thinks that if she can coerce you into agreeing not to bring up the affair that she can somehow escape the guilt and consequences of it. DO NOT let her think she can escape because she cannot!
In the meantime, you should have a healthy sense of anger ABOUT the affair itself, which you don't seem to have? I am still confused about that.
The next time she tries to have an R talk with you, tell her that you would be willing to have an R talk about the affair and all the ways you have both contributed to the marital breakdown WITH A COUNSELOR.
