Other than the fact that there is not a TV in the guestroom no real difference. She tells me that I am being the big man and pounding on my chest kicking her out of her bed and making her sleep in the guestroom.
What I actuallly said was, "I have been doing a lot of thinking and decided I am moving back into our bedroom."
That's was it. She said well then I guess I will sleep downstairs.
Me 38 / W 37 M 14 yrs S 11/S8 First Bomb: 3/6/2009 EA Second Bomb: 6/4/2009 PA Same House Separate Rooms
Not bad, but (I know others disagree) you did not kick her out of the bed did you? If she brings it up, say, you can come back to our bed anytime you like.
I agree that she seems very unstable, get ready for another blow up. By the way I do not think you are treating her like a crack whore.
She is trying to find your last straw and is getting frustrated that she cannot find it, that way she can move the responsibility that she has over to you. Because when she tries to now it is not sticking.
I let my W know that I wasn't sleeping in any other room or bed than my own. I told her it's her decision where she sleeps. She spent a few nights on the couch, but now is back. Further, I told her that if we did decide to separate, I didn't see any reason why I should leave the house or the bedroom. She had no come back to that. It hurt telling her those things, but it is important. 3 days after telling her this, she told me she wants to try the Retrouvaille weekend.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
She keeps repeating this whore stuff. Perhaps she is judging herself that way. You could tell her that you were very hurt by her actions, but many people have reconciled after an affair. You think that if she wanted to, you could work on forgiving her. But she would need to go to Retrouvaille with you.
lowneil...Please don't respond to her self-pity party. You can respond to the things that are directly related to you and your part in the breakdown of your marriage. But as for her feeling like a whore and worried you will use this against her in court to not have to pay alimony...this is simply a selfish viewpoint on her part and do not be baited into responding to it.
And the next time she brings up "kicking her out of her bed", you need to state directly: "Look, I did not kick you out of bed. I told you I am moving back into MY bed. I never said you couldn't be there as well. That is your choice, not mine".
Also it sounds like you have a lack of anger in this situation. You really should be more angry about her affair. You are not showing her that you have a backbone and that your dignity will not stand for unfaithfulness. Have you read the No More Mr. Nice Guy book? Sounds like you need it. Otherwise, you may find yourself really blowing up one day!
Had a telephone coaching session today. Really helped me with a game plan:
- Do what works: -- Active Listening -- Distract and Deflect from potentially explosive R talks -- Night out together w/o kids once a week -- Holding her when she's upset (I know, but it is something she interprets as love)
-Stop doing what is not working: -- trying to force or pressure -- getting her to see my side of things
Also, I will be reading Gary Chapman's 5 love languages, using the relationship wheel and see if I can get her to watch Fireproof with me.
We will see how it goes.
Last edited by lowneil; 07/15/0908:26 PM.
Me 38 / W 37 M 14 yrs S 11/S8 First Bomb: 3/6/2009 EA Second Bomb: 6/4/2009 PA Same House Separate Rooms
When my wife broke down, I held her for what seems like forever and she just wept, this was when she was deciding whether or not to try and work on the marriage, she was sooo confused with everything.
How did you know that that was why she was breaking down? Did she tell you she was trying to decide? My wife has had some breakdowns but hasn't communicated as to why.
And the next time she brings up "kicking her out of her bed", you need to state directly: "Look, I did not kick you out of bed. I told you I am moving back into MY bed. I never said you couldn't be there as well. That is your choice, not mine".
Also it sounds like you have a lack of anger in this situation. You really should be more angry about her affair. You are not showing her that you have a backbone and that your dignity will not stand for unfaithfulness. Have you read the No More Mr. Nice Guy book? Sounds like you need it. Otherwise, you may find yourself really blowing up one day!
