misshim, I understand the torture of being pulled and sucked back in when they seem nice or normal for short glimpses. IMO the best thing for you to do is be steady. Pick your trail and stay on it, and if you get detrailed just dust yourself off and get back on the trail.

You can allow your H to help you.
You can allow your H to put D to bed.
You can allow your H to bring food.
That is all making your life easier.
Some will call it being a doormat. Others will say you are being a rock.
It is really up to you how want to feel and how you want to perceive your personality.

If you are strong enough at this point to tell him no, do not come here and abide by your own rules and you have a way to enforce them then you might do that and give him a taste of what it would be like without you and D being there for him every day.

See how hard it is to decide what is best for you?

Each sitch is so much the same but yet different. In my sitch, I was never able to enforce boundaries so it made my choice easier to try and be the rock, to be steady, to be the safe place. The only boundary I managed to enforce is that I told H if he moved out I did not want him to come back and help with the morning chores. He never totally moved out, just took a lot of his stuff somewhere, but slept at home each night.

What is easier for you at this time?

Live your life while you are still living.
Riding the trail less traveled.