WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 11

[MrBond]

I'm going to have to disagree with ADB.

Your W has been saying the same things since this whole mess started. In fact, you two were touchy feely with each other at that time too, but it didnt' stop her from leaving.

As DR says...do something different. She's still pulling your puppet strings. When you don't do what "she expects" you to do, she says it "scares" her or she doesn't know who you are, etc.

She needs to get away from you for a period of time to really work out her problems. It's scary I admit. I've done it many a time, but it comes down to the fact that you can't make her love you. You've done all the heavy lifting and now it's time for her to see if she wants to join you for the ride.

[PMA_Baby!]

Exactly. Nicely put Stuck.

[Stronger]

I'm not saying stop your life...don't take this job. BUT I think keep watching her. Don't react to her or what she says or does, but keep notes.
We tell each other to look for positives....if we're just going to completely doubt them and blow off the positives what the he!! are we looking for then? What are we doing?
SHE'S DONE AND SAID SOME POSITIVE THINGS!!!
Does that not count for anything?
She could very well freak out again and go dark....who knows?

I'm simply saying, make note of her actions and statements.....I think they've improved......I could be the a$$ here though and it would not be the first time.....

[PMA_Baby!]

ADB - I hear what you are saying and usually that would be the case, but w C's WAW it is not the norm. She has been CONFUSED from day one. That is why SHE NOT C has to figure out what SHE WANTS.

I can see your point though.

PMA

[Stronger]

Absolutely she does....and really, isn't that case for 90% of us? The WAS has to figure crap out and we go GAL and work on ourselves?

I agree, for the very very high majority of us, there's nothing "to do" when it comes to the WAS or MLCer, or whatever. We need to GAL and learn to not react and learn to relax and learn there's not much we can do but be supportive to the point we hang on to our self respect.

But in this case, she's been confused the whole time...isn't that a good thing? Wouldn't it REALLY suck if she wasn't and just knew she wanted out 100%?

I think CIPA is rocking this out. If you can't convince them, confuse them--Eisenhower and he's right. At this point, confused is better than certain that she wants out.

My MLCer/WAH was not the norm either....he wanted out, or so he said. Moved in with a buddy came home on the weekends. Then stopped coming home on the weekends but was there pretty much everyday to see our S.

Then there was a two week period in January where the OW was really putting on the charm...so much so that was when he took his first trip to the lawyer. Then she dumped him like a bad habit for another guy. H comes home, devestated but never tells me why, just that he's "sad....and I hate being sad." I'm not a complete schmuck thank you very much. Then things are great and I mean great for about three weeks.

I come home on a Monday, H is all sorts of weird. Right then and there I knew it, she was calling again. And the work together so I knew something happened....turns out she came to work that day with "I'm not sure I like him.....blah blah blah"

So yes, I get back on the roller coaster in February right after Valentines Day. And the ride just slowed down about a month ago. And things are looking up for us.

So I get what you mean in that she's not the norm.....My H did the EXACT same thing in that he NEVER fully went away. He was always around more than he had to be, and of course, blamed me "You set up the childcare schedule so I have to be around this much." No I didn't. Mondays, Wednesdays and every other weekend......Why he was around every other day.....not sure, but that was HIS decision.

My H really really made that turn around the corner when I was finally able to listen to my mother (of all people! love her!) and I was able to let go, to detach and let him think I was going to be able to move on. I even told him "Hey, you don't want to sleep next to this (I point at me) someone will. Get the eff on if you think you can do better." He smiled. I didn't. And he started to initiate R talks at that point. I let him. After I while I started talking back.

Sunday he told me, for the first time that he does want to come home.

We can all do this, but there are going to be little things that each of us are going to have to wing it and go with our gut. It might work, it might not, but in the end we do know our spouses better than anyone else here so....

And by NO MEANS whatsoever do I believe I'm out of the woods, H and I are going to start writing our renewal vows.....but I have more hope now than ever before. And couple of times, I went out on my own.....I went with my gut. But I will give credit where credit is due....I got this far with all of you, not by myself. I WOULD be divorced now if it wasn't for this place.

[PMA_Baby!]

ADB - I can see that you took a stronger stance in your sitch. He knew he couldnt push you around. You were detached and ready to move on and your H new that. That is why he came back because he had NO CONTROL over you. Once those strings are cut is when they start feeling the lose.

That is the attitude we all have been trying to get C to have. Instead, she still has him right where she wants him. Once he cuts those strings she will more then likely start pursuing him. That is why I said he should take the job. She probably thinks he is bluffing at this point. Her wake up call is coming. She wants her freedom well she is going to get it.

Glad to hear things are going well with you.

Keep on doing what works.

PMA

[Orich]

I would like to put an "amen" to that. I might not have been divorced by now, but certainly on the fast track in that direction. This board has helped me tremendously. The people here are fantastic. Some have even caught me by the shirt tales just before I jumped off a cliff. The advice I have been given has worked FOR ME as I see myself as a different person than I was when the time of The Great Sadness began.
So, thank you, all of you who are here on this forum. In the immortal words of Harry Tuttle: "You are a good man (people) in a tight spot. Remember, we are all in this together."

[MrBond]

ADB,

I commend you for your DB-ing with your H. The difference between yours/my sitch and CIPA's is that there was an OP.

Like your H, my W's EA was with someone she worked with (her boss). So like you, I detached and have been able to get her in a mood where she's comfortable being home. And that's where the main difference is. He hasn't fully detached so his W can continue to blame him for her "hurt".

Your H, like my W, went out and blamed us for their problems because they had someone else to go running to. CIPA's doesn't, so she hasn't had that "introspection" period. And she won't get to that point until he shows that he's moving on like you did with your H.

[Stronger]

All very valid and true points.....but one thing I do have in common with CIPA is that my H never fully left. He moved out but he is always here. And contrary to what he and OW tried to say, it was not because I "manipulated" any schedule. He agreed to it for our S and I held him to it. I actually was a doormat when it came to weekends....which I wondered if I would kick myself for later but in the end, being available to help watch S on weekends (H is a HUGE golfer, we live in Florida) he appreciated it and saw that I wasn't trying to just kick him in the nads because I was mad and could.

But neither here nor there for CIPA.

For clarification, yes, CIPA, I agree that you should take the job. All things aside, it sounds like a great opportunity and it sounds like they really want you. And it's great to be wanted!

I do believe you taking this job and desire to take the boys with you is going to be her wake up call. I believe you have taken the right steps.....and that's why I said many many posts ago that you losing your job had a silver lining....I think this is going to be a turning point for her that you are going to be a man with a backbone and she needs to get her a$$ on board with the CIPA train! Choo-Choo!

[Tomato]

prayers for your near pressure cooker situation to let off steam at a nice gradual rate. keep God as the centerpiece my friend.


Ted

maybe this w/e huh??