You know what I like about my thread? It's like that one house in the neighborhood -- every time I come home I'm always pleasantly surprised to see that there's already a party going on.
So as AlexEN predicted, I have returned from a week's vacating -- the first big journey with Themselves -- and it was pretty good. Single parenting -- oh-lee shmokes. That's work.
So much has gone on here that I'm a bit lost in the data.
Someone asked about confronting my brother-in-law. Actually, it was a friend of SIL's who also happens to know me who called me out on the basis of WAW's lies to SIL. And no, I didn't confront him. Really, at the end of the day -- what the fark do I care what he thinks? Or what she says? She's going to tell her story her way, and given the Laws of WASdom she's under no obligation to tell it straight. Whatever.
Did I get a lawyer? Not yet. Interviewing some early next week. The money piece will require it.
The set-ups. I should have expected it. One set-up that proved to be a real winner came from Mamie and Ike (not their real names, LOL), whose nephew is going through this mischigas like the rest of us. They put me on the cell phone with him at the wedding reception -- I sh*t you not -- and we chatted later in the week. He's signed on to the community here and we ought to be seeing his first post in the not-too-far-distant. So THAT connection proved to be a success -- at least I hope so.
A couple of my Florence Nightingales contacted me, and -- in deference to @Sara, et al. -- I told them there were concerns that I'd be taking advantage of them, etc., and was again assured that, though they appreciated the concern, they're Big Girls and know exactly where I'm at and what they're saying and what I'd be looking for -- and it's allllll good. As FN#1 put it, "I always liked you, I always suspected you'd be pretty good in the sack, and I'm not looking for love. God knows you need it; it certainly won't do me any harm -- I have an itch, you have an itch, so let's scratch." So Hooah to that.
Where am I at? Well that's not as easy a question to engage as first it might appear. Not as bad as I've been, not as good as I've been.
The sink-or-swim taking over the finances has been a real struggle, and I'm still not sure I'm doing it right. Definitely have to find an accountant, perhaps even a personal financial adviser.
My job situation appears increasingly tenuous, at least over the mid- to long-run, so I may have get out on the job market. I definitely want to start picking up some freelance writing and editing gigs, so if you know anyone, here I am. I think you all have a pretty fair sense of my writing chops at this point, even given the limitations of this form.
My publisher "inquired" (read, demanded) some sense of whether my manuscript will be done by the end of the year, and I committed to it because I do better with deadlines, so that's on.
Next month I go to European Country for a work thang, and the contacts in European Country are not understanding the opportunity I'm giving them. They're trying to nickel-and-dime me to death, and I'm trying to build that golden bridge to show them that, instead of my bringing my quarter-million dollar 4-day dog-and-pony show to them once, if I'm happy I could bring it multiple times, which wouldn't hurt their struggling economy one bit. So that's actually a nice distraction.
At Swedish Breakfast Place in Big Midwestern City yesterday morning I was greeted by a snotty email from WAW, who was demanding that I sign a stipulation on our current arrangements. I sent -- sorry Gypsy, I wasn't impeccable in my words -- an equally snotty reply because, uh, what the fark -- this couldn't wait 24 hours? No, it couldn't, because she's obviously been brooding on it. Eeek! Mind-reading! No, that's WAW's MO -- if it's on her mind, it's got to come out. But who was going to draft the thing -- the bus-man? Come on. She knew I was on vacation and on vacation trying to shepherd Themselves. Hell, she's on vacation.
So that's how it is right now. Since she moved out 2 weeks ago, WAW and I only communicate electronically. No voice. Too easy to get off on tangents. I work hard at writing business-like emails, free from emotion, from words that can be construed in different ways, from emotionally laden words (essentially I follow the no-modifier rule).
Her expectations for me right now are simply too much for me to agree to. She wants me to be "cooperative" (her words) on the issue of alimony -- meaning, she wants me to accept whatever she deigns to offer. She wants me to "cooperative" on the kids, and I am, to a fault. She wants me to be "friendly" and "open" to her friendship and "comfortable" in her new house....and right now that's just not on. Too many things have been said, too many stories have been told, for me to simply eat that plate of sh*t and smile and ask for another helping. Maybe someday. Not now.
So I'm doing "darkly" -- charcoal, navy blue. We communicate on issues of mutual concern, but as Telephone Coach Jody put it oh so long ago, it is still the case that the only common ground that exists between us is the children, so that's where I'm focused.
What then are my goals, expectations, etc. for this next phase? Pretty modest, to be blunt. Apart from the home stuff -- I'd like a kitchen table, for example -- I want to maintain the Status Quo in my relationship with WAW. I don't want it to get worse, and I'm ambivalent if, in the next 30-90 days, it gets better.
I want to establish my dominion here in the house. Get some walls painted. Get some pictures hung in the kids' rooms. Get a table to eat at.
I want to establish my work situation. Where am I? Where it is going? I can't afford to dally, not with the challenge of health insurance in this country.
I want to establish my identity. Who am I? Where am I going?
I want to be sure the kids are as resilient as they can be.
I have real-deal work that MUST get done. A book manuscript. A book proposal for The Great American Male Divorce Book, and the companion book AlexEN and I were discussing. A new venture with Thinker and AlexEN and Coach. I'm registering at an online mart for freelance editorial talent. I'm asking anyone who knows anyone in publishing to send me their clients that need ghostwriters.
Once I have a new equilibrium, I'll start to worry about WAW. So my DB'ing is itself in Limboland.
A risky strategy? Perhaps. But the one I think I need at the moment. I don't have the time or resources to direct energy WAW's way. She's like a sponge -- she'll soak it all up. The divorce will soak it all up. I'll be here to journal and vent and gather ideas and strategies -- but don't be offended if I don't put them into action right away.
Her expectations for me right now are simply too much for me to agree to. She wants me to be "cooperative" (her words) on the issue of alimony -- meaning, she wants me to accept whatever she deigns to offer. She wants me to "cooperative" on the kids, and I am, to a fault. She wants me to be "friendly" and "open" to her friendship and "comfortable" in her new house....and right now that's just not on. Too many things have been said, too many stories have been told, for me to simply eat that plate of sh*t and smile and ask for another helping. Maybe someday. Not now.
I can't tell you how much this feels like my sitch. And my view is the same; Maybe someday. Not now.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
Dont make it TOOO American. There are NO divorce related books in Greek ( I kid you not) except a couple about kids and one by Andrew Marshall with the familiar to all of us title:ILYBIANILWY or however you use the acronyms... So make it more a Male Divorce thing so I can translate it for you in Greek... (of course I have Gypsy's first book first in line for translation but she is behind her dealine anyway - HINT KATHLEEN!!!!) K
Yep, I can't believe I have bought into for a second that I should accommodate those expectations! Maybe.
I think when I read about "collaborative divorce" and how it is better for the kids, I question myself. But, I can't see how nonchalance can lead to instilling any kid of value for marriage. Anyway, it is just too gut wrenching to fake it at this juncture.
I heard recently about a "divorce party" where the kids attended and people brought gifts!!! Please tell me that is only in Lalaland...
I wanted to be friends but feel like I can't do it right now. 1. Too tied up in my expectations of reconciliation (none now). 2. I need to detach. 3. I can't fake it right now either. 4. And the nonchalance thing mentioned above.
There are probably some who are saying:
"O'dog, you're still getting over a lot of anger." Yes, I am. It's not wrong or right. It just is. It will leave when it's ready.
"You should be friends for the kids sake." Hmmm...not sure about that. Kids are going to see thru a facade very quickly so I'm not going to live behind one and pretend the friendship is something it's not. At this point I'm not doing or saying anything negative. I'm just not doing or saying anything. Kids need a happy confident dad first.
I've heard about the Divorce Party thing too. Seriously?!
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
SP, Welcome back to Smileys Playhouse! Don't you need to spackle some walls as well? You can handle it. Cheers Coach
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
@Kalni: Oddly enough -- or perhaps not "oddly" -- your lament about divorce books in Greek is common across Europe. I was chatting to a Polish diplomat a few weeks back who, in his other life, is a divorce attorney in Krakov. I learned 2 things from that convo: 1) there's no body of "social knowledge" on divorce in Polish because the country was so dominated by the Catholic Church socially and the Communist Party officially and 2) Walkaway Spouses in Poland say the exact same things they do in the US of A.
@alive: I actually think there should be a divorce ceremony. People who hate the groom on the right, people who hate the bride on the left; you give your wife BACK to her father; etc. etc. As I was leaving Big Midwestern City I noticed a nightclub advertising divorce parties. So there you go.
@Coach: Walls spackled. Real challenge now is colors. And blue tape. Oy, the blue tape. It, being handled. WAW is texting me at the moment. I replied with one text that ended LOL. So I'm not being a totally cold bastard. Just 0 degrees centigrade or so (that's for you, Kalni).
