Hey twin... can't add anymore to what was already so well said. I do rely in my intuition a lot, but as talitsa said a bit less now. The reason for it is the issues at hand are still too painful and yes there is a tendency to take any single thing and relate it to what happened. It is not always so. I know. Everytime H would come home in a different mood, or something out of the routine happened, I used to wonder. ANd then to get anxious.. and then to start doing things like mentaly count shirts!! It took me a while to be able to remind myself that everyone has ups and downs. A harder day at work, some problem with the car, or just one of those days. And that they don't have to come attached to the affair. I would suggest that for a bit now you concentrate on the positives and try to put aside the rest. If your H is anything like mine, it will take him a while until he is ready to her how you feel and understand it or even just relate to it. Anythign that you can say now will will just bounce in the defence armour.ANd the ricochet is not always pleasant.
Maybe you can do a scrapbook - I wrote about it in another post but can't remember which. Just gather bits and pieces of all the nice and reassuring things happening. A bil or a menu of a restaurant where you went just last week that brought such a nice time, a picture of some special moment, a ticket to someplace you went or just a note from a nice day together that you wrote down to make you feel better. Put them all together and look trough it when you're feeling like you need to count shirts. It might take your mind a bit of what's worrying you right now. If that doesn't work do whatever works for you. ANything that can help take your mind of the worries. Firts time I used to "bang" on the piano for 15 minutes. I'm not sure if it helped much though, but the guy that came to tune it had a smile on his face :) No really find something that really takes you somewhere else where is calm and relaxing and use it in times like this. You can only control yourself. But if you can do it right you really have a different handle on the situation and it will feel like in a way you can control the situation too. Hugsies nightshade
"Each and every one of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought and the gift of understanding. "
Thanks for your help yesterday. For some weird reason I have not felt like posting anything here this whole morning. I am rather apathetic towards my own sitch. But, discipline, let's journal!
I did make it home before 5 and we went ice skating: which is to say H dropped us at the rink and left to continue work and picked us up at 7. Our D has decided she wants to compete in the November locals and passed her pre-alpha tests . She is not actually interested in the competition per se , but in the idea of skating in a big rink with lots of spectators and being announced through the loudspeaker system. Her coach had asked her in June and she had said she did want to compete 'when she was older.' I guess she is older now...
H had initially proposed to drop our D home and go to the movies, but we were longer at the rink we had hoped and he was hungry, so we three went to a fondue place (good fondue, sorely overpriced). Then we went home and on the way I proposed going to his office to pick up his clothes (I know, I know...) but he said 'in the weekend'. We'll see.
This morning, at his request, I took H to the airport for a day bussiness trip to Houston. When I picked him up at one of the places he works at, I thought he smelled different and made a 'are you wearing cologne?' comment. He thrust his arm towards my nose and said 'you be the judge'. I dropped him at the airport and he actually said ILY . I asked him to leave his cell phone open, to call him if I needed to and he got a bit upset 'but I'll be in Houston' but agreed.
So I leave the airport in good spirits and return to work to the same place he had just left. I'm doing my stuff and see a note in H's handwriting saying in case of problems until 7 pm to call him at a Dallas number. I got all worked up, copied the number and spent the 1 h mixmaster-traffic-jam trip to my own office working out how to catch him in a lie. The s**-of-a-b**** had told me he was going to H and was at a Dallas number, etc,etc,etc. Luckily traffic was at about 1 mile per hour!
When I got to my office I checked the number again, ready to look it up at anywho.com and guess what? It was awfully similar to my H's cell phone number, except that there was an 8 instead of a 4. He had made a mistake when he jotted it down (and who calls his own cell phone). So, I had made a mess of a perfectly positive morning by jumping to the very worst conclusion at lightning speed! Talk about ASSumptions!
When I got home from work I found that he had called earlier asking if I had arrived. I called him and he said 'just wanted to let you know I have arrived to Houston.' We chatted for a while and then he warned me he might not make the 7 pm flight but he'll call me when he finishes. We are supposed to go pick him up.
I am not working this weekend, but we are supposed to go to a fundraiser (I hate those functions) and then we have a couple of friends over for lunch on Sunday.
I am sooo tired!
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
Glad the phone number was just a mix up on the cell phone number. But when they have given you reason in the past not to trust it is so hard to rebuild that trust. Easy to jump to ASSumptions!
I wanted to thank you for this evening, you and Shiny both. I think her pizza got there before she saw the message to David, I am STILL laughing!
Thanks again and hope you have a great weekend!
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
You are very welcome, Pam. Looks like I am definitely much better at helping other people than at helping myself
Weird thing that just happened. I was reading for the first time 'After the affair' and noticed something I had never understood about my H's reactions. So I went and told him 'Hon you know, I had never understood it when you told me that you actually felt relieved when I found out about your A. You have to read this book! It explains everything...' He got up immediately and started to go to work (we had decided to take him first and then go ice skating again). He was obviously uncomfortable with the subject! I kept my cool and told him 'where are you going?' 'To work' 'OK but were we not going with you?''No, I'll go first then pick you up''Fine' Eventually he calmed down and went back to watch TV ("Patton"). Weird ain't it?
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
I bought that book after Bomb #2...when I found out there had been 2 A's...(the last of which was not quite over, little did I know ).
I left it out, CJ never touched it. I mentioned it again after bomb #3 (when the broke off) and he said he read it. I saw him reading part of it, but the man IS a very fast reader.
I think it's a great book and I'm sorry your H responded that way to your enthusiasm. Probably caught him by surprise, they really DO want to forget...but WE need to understand and work through it, don't we?
Keep reading, gain insights, leave the book somewhere obvious. If you have other thoughts on it to share with him...might he respond better at another time? If forewarned? In writing? E-mail?
Just looking at options as what you did (I can sooo relate to your joy..."I get it! "...and then your disappointment when he responded that way ) didn't quite get you the response you wanted!!
Just got back from boring social function (I hate fund raisers!). Thanks God for the babysitter excuse (which incidentally happens to be true). H pretty decent today: spent lots of time with us. Will insist on book later (I am sure it will help). I started it today and have finished most of it (CJ is not the only fast reader: I do not read, I devour)
Good night
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
Journaling (discipline, myself, discipline): H fell asleep exhausted after crazy pool party (10 adults and 10 kids).
Overall it has not been a bad weekend. List of positives:
1. He has spent a lot of time with us and even arranged his work around our schedule.
2. He is making plans to have me go with him to Houston in his next bussiness trip so that we can stay over the weekend (may not happen; not the first time that he 'makes plans' and never mentions them again)
3. He even agreed ( although not exactly with enthusiasm) to read 'After the Affair' with me and comment it.
4. And he offered to go to church with me when I told him our D had asked why did she not go to church on Sundays. He had initially told me to take her myself. I just smiled and said you know why I do not want to go alone (Background: I stopped going to church a few days after the bomb, when I called to make an appointment with our pastor and the receptionist mentioned something about me having called to say we were divorcing a year ago. Apparently OW had the gall to call my church and tell them to take my H's name from our family's registration. And he let her!!!! Now I get flashbacks when I think of going there alone)
We had lots of positive interactions. Progress, definitely. Now the negatives:
1. He never once said how he felt or how things were in his life. Just acted as if nothing had ever happened. Talk of the Beaver family, Jackie.
2. He did not bring the clothes home.
3. No intimacy (of course, we've been too social to be very active)
But overall it was much better than last weekend. I still have no brought up the subject of the check. And I do not know whether to tell him about the BB. He has no close friends and got mad at me for talking to mine about our sitch; I fear he is not going to like my BBng.
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
You know David is very private and doesn't have any close friends either. I was sort of surprised that he did not have a problem with the BB.
But he finally read some of it, not my thread, and he saw the benefits of it I think. He has talked more than once about posting himself. Of course it hasn't happened but he doesn't get much personal computer time now I think. Of course at the time he read we were pretty desperate for something to help him/us decide which direction to go.
Hope reading 'After the Affair' goes well for you guys.
David read a good part of DR, but it was the discussion part he had problems with, not the reading.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
It took me a while to be able to remind myself that everyone has ups and downs. A harder day at work, some problem with the car, or just one of those days. And that they don't have to come attached to the affair. 
. She is not actually interested in the competition per se , but in the idea of skating in a big rink with lots of spectators and being announced through the loudspeaker system. Her coach had asked her in June and she had said she did want to compete 'when she was older.' I guess she is older now... 
).
(of course, we've been too social to be very active)