I feel like I am operating in a vacuum

[cville22901]

Antlers
Agreed.

I don't really know how to separate a couple of ongoing threads in my life.

I know that I've got a battle that I have to fight with clinical depression. I saw my shrink and asked him to switch me to a new medication. Today was ther first day of the transition. I hope to feel that it has some effect. The depression was a major factor in the last two years that wore out my wife. She was also depressed but refused to engage in ongoing therapy.

I know that I am not a failure as a husband and partner. or as a person. It just did not work out. No one is alone to blame. I think that we both gave it a good shot.

I know that I could do a better job. That's what rankles me so. I really want to try again in a most sincere way, but, as everyone keeps saying, it is out of my control. If she wants to try someday, then it is up to her. Maybe if everybody keeps telling me the same message, it will finally sink in. My gut is beginning to tell me that, based on how she bears a grudge, she is not going to change her mind. She can be very stubborn and opinionated about things. She does not like it when somebody tells her that she is wrong.

Consciously, I've been trying to get out regularly to exercise, read, walk dogs at the pound, and spend as much time as possible with my adult children. They are an incredible source of support. I have also treid to renew some old friendships via the phone and email.

Meeting people will take more time. I've done a couple of social events with the club that I joined, and I plan to get out and do a couple more.

This whole process reminds of AA and twelve step programs in a very good way. Lots of support, very little judgment, lots of people in the same boat trying to get better.

[sgctxok]

The coaches will be better than your counselor. I promise. First of all...they are ALL qualified as counselors. It is extremely hard to become a coach. They all have the prerequisite degrees and long term counseling careers. DB training. Oh. And long term marriages.

ALL of them.

[Gardener]

Maybe I have never fully embraced it ever in my life.

cville, I hate to/have to admit this here, but I've thought it several times lately so here goes: I haven't embraced it myself in a long time. In a number of ways, maybe many ways, I gradually shrank my circle of life (I thought in a way that that's what naturally followed contentment). I put my wife in charge of/responsible for much of my happiness. She resigned.

What are some of the things that you folks have done to refocus energy and attention onto yoruself? Please share. I've gotten back into exercise and joined a social club. Maybe I'm expecting too much too soon in terms of getting over her..

My six or so weeks here have been about the same. Back to exercising, meditating, reading fiction, hiking, joined a hiking club. A good start for a formerly devoted homebody.

[antlers]

Your happiness can't depend on whether or not your spouse comes back. You need to become detached so that your situation doesn't ruin your life. If you shift your focus to make yourself happier as a way to implement change in your relationship, or because you realize that no one else can do it for you, the message is to JUST DO IT. You are solely responsible for your happiness. Whether your spouse comes back or not, you will need to find satisfaction in your life...start now!

[cville22901]

sgctxon, gardener, & antlers:
Today was better than most. No emails to the wife and no phone calls. It was tough concentrating at work at times, but it's a process of incremental steps. I went to a social event tonight with the club that I joined. It was very low key and a lot of fun. Tomorrow night, I'm going to try my hand at canoeing. Haven't been in one of those in a about 30 years. Then, we'll do munchies and soft drinks. I'll try to embrace as much of this as I can. Being around new people is a bit of a challenge, but it sure beats sitting around the apartment and moping. The spouse ain't coming back. I just need to fully buy into that reality. It is not going to be an option. When I lapse into thinking that she will, then I start going in those crazy circles. I need to make it my mantra, "She's gone, gone, gone." If I repeat it a million times, maybe I'll fully accept it. I think that I am up to about 147,987.

[Gardener]

The spouse ain't coming back. I just need to fully buy into that reality. It is not going to be an option. When I lapse into thinking that she will, then I start going in those crazy circles. I need to make it my mantra, "She's gone, gone, gone."

cville, I do my best, DB my best, and feel my best when I face the obvious fact that it is over.

[cville22901]

Gardener:
Yep. That's the yo-yo that I am on. For a couple of hours, I know and I can believe that it is over. A couple of hours later, I know, but I can't believe and accept that it is over. Back and forth, back and forth. It is occurring in excruciatingly small steps, but I do see some progress. It sure is a painful, slow process.

[cville22901]

It's pretty amazing how a person can shut you out.

Four months ago, I got fired by the wife. In the past month, I've talked to her once on the phone. I have left her an email once a week. I've made sure that the emails and the phone call were not whining or begging or pleading. Tonight, I left her an email to invite her to a birthday dinner for my 27 year old son. I have gotten zip, nada, nothing in terms of a response. I'd love to be able to show off some of my "changes," which are for real, but she's not there. It does not appear as if she is going to "be there." I've been making some moves to get a life beyond her. It's coming slowly, and it is hard.

What irks me is the total lack of a response on her part.

Yeah, I know: detach, get a life, go dark.

It's still a pretty awful feeling when you want to try and fix things, and the other person exhibits no interest in even hearing you out.

I know: fix myself.

Around and around we go.

[Gardener]

It's pretty amazing how a person can shut you out.
Four months ago, I got fired by the wife.

I know, I know. Pain.

I think of my own sitch a little differently. As I said to you a few posts back -

I put my wife in charge of/responsible for much of my happiness. She resigned.

You will feel better as you DB and detachment grows.
It. Takes. Time.

Hang in there.
Endure.

[mac-ct]

I'd love to be able to show off some of my "changes," which are for real, but she's not there

Just because the W isn't near doesn't mean that other people won't notice your climb and report back to base :-)

Gardener is perfectly correct - it will get better but only if you let it get better

Keep your chin up.

CT