d-day coming soon - help !

[misshim]

Hi Grace,

I'm not holding up very well at all. Confused as ever. H stopped going to strip club for a couple of months but has now started going back again.

I can't help but to love him and of course want to be there for him. But I just sit there and try to listen to everything he says. Like 2 weeks ago when he said all those nasty things. I know deep down he didn't mean them (totally)

Last Friday he asked if I wanted fish for dinner. I know he's not coming back but I'll take the free meal. He ate with D4 and I and left (he was all dressed up, going out after dinner) He gave me a big hug when he left. H offered to come over saturday in the am and cut down some of my heavy weed growth around my barns.

I maybe should have said no, but I really needed the help with that. I've asked some of my friends but they didn't have the cutters to do it.

Well he hung out with us all day and night. It was great to be with him. He couldn't stop going to his vehicle and checking his cell phone. That drove me crazy, but I never said a word about it. He was always very short tempered with D4. She only wanted him to play with her. She loves her daddy so much, cries for him at bedtime (the nights he's not there) but I love him there and seeing his tender side with her at bedtime.

He was trying to be kind-of touchy feely with me. Don't get me wrong, I really wanted to attack him right there. He would have let me. His body language was ready. D4 was with us, and I guess that was a good thing. 2 weeks? ago with our fight, he said he only stayed at the house on occasion because he was using me !! Argh, but deep down I had already figured that he just said that to hurt me.

This past monday he texted me early in the morning and said he was in the mood for pizza, asked me if it sounded good to me.
He brought over pizza and a big container of ice cream. H helped put D4 to bed and then napped in lazy boy. He wasn't very talkative. When he woke up he had to have the ice cream. I was proud, I didn't have any. He keeps bringing supper over and it's not helping my weight loss.

I believe he's back in replay stage again. Talks about his teenage years and party, party. He doesn't care what he says to me - sometimes kind of dirty talk. Othertimes how he loves being alone and single. (not yet he's not !! )

I'm now just holding out for the august 1, divorce. Anniversary on august 2. He's never acknowleged anniversary's in the "almost" 6 years so I know he won't care about this one either.

H is like being married to a different person every day. As sad as it is and so very hard on our emotions. I have tried to find it a little entertaining to hear him talk. Then I come to realize that I gave him all I could and I tried to save our marriage. Problem is, I was the only one that wanted to.

Take care - thanks for checking on me. The roller coaster ride still isn't over !!!!