Changing Man

[Gardener]

Coach,

In December, after moving, she said to me in her apartment "Come back to me, Gardener," She may have been the one who moved, but I knew deep down what she meant.
January: "I love you, Gardener. You."
February: "Be my hero, Gardener." Then the aforementioned V day card.
March: "I still need us, Gardener."

What did you do when she told you these things?
Has she told you things like this before? Coach,
What are her LLs

Good to hear from you. Thanks. Had to come back to the house to meet refrigerator repairman, so I have a few unexpected minutes.

In December, I replied, "I'm coming." What did I do? Started meds for depression. Kept being her friend, worked on me, us (MC), read R books myself and jointly with her. Other than that, it was still early post-bomb/pre DB, so, frankly, I continued pleading, crying, being a wreck, walking on eggshells around her and falling apart like any good victim does.

January: "I know. I love you, too." What did I do? I little more of the good, a little less of the bad (above). She started pulling back. Stopped saying it was a respite, started saying it was a separation, started telling friends, co-workers. Informed me no more sex/overnights at her apartment/spending weekends together.

February: "I will." Though I didn't even know what she meant and didn't ask her until a month or so later. By then she was pulled away even more and replied, "Oh, that. Be stronger, more positive." I continued to work earnestly on me(started IC) us, when I did see her. MC, listening skills, honoring her requests ("don't call me," "Just leave me alone").Validated and copped to all that I had done to hurt her and contribute to growing distance. Adhering to MC's advice: get out of her face, stop being so intense, stop talking so much, stop with the "unbridled self-expression" (who, me? (MC sessions were, frankly, pro her, anti (not-pro)-me. I was labeled the "major offender" from day one).

March: Her statement came mid-month on a postponed Valentine's day trip. I replied, "so do I." Didn't do much different, didn't even ask her what that meant for her, too her. Eggshells, eggshells, eggshells.In March we took a already-planned vacation with friends. A disaster. I couldn't do anyhing right. I was flabbergasted. Upon returning, MC said (short version), she's reacting to what she thinks I said, what she thinks I did, what she thinks I meant. Reacting to trigger words and events like she reacted to E-abusive mother and P-abusive father.

Oh, and she has, and had, told me things like this before.

During month of no contact I really worked on me. Read, journaled, stopped talking to the well-intentioned to vent or for advice. Began meditating, exercising.

April's "I may not be re-entering our marriage, you know," came outside MC's office after 2 hour session (?). I replied, "I know. That would be a shame."

May's D Bomb, followed by MC announcing MC is over (and her continuing to see him a couple of times), I fell apart all over.
Then told myself, "For six months you did everything, read everything you were asked to do by her, by MC, by books, by inner voice.Copped to everything. It didn't work.She pulled further and further away Maybe it never was going to work. You did yor best. Now Rest. And heal." Printed it out and hung it on bedroom mirror. And started to feel better. Then found DR, DB, Telecoach, and started LTR and taking (some) positive action. Then more. Some response from her. Curiosity. Reaching out a bit.
Don't know anymore if DB/LRT will be effective. She's seemingly done. And as I posted once before, I have to acknowledge her penchant for cutting people out of her life and shunning them when she's reached a cumulative/last straw amount of hurt (her first H, her M, Her F, one S. one or two acquaintances).
So here I am. Over-answering your questions (unbridled self-expression).
Thanks.
I don't know her LL, haven't gotten that one yet