I was advised to post here, maybe to get additional perspectives than on Newcomers (I keep getting buried over there :))... Seems like there are more LBWs over here too...
My history -
I'm 28, H is 29. Together for 9, married for 5. We have one gorgeous little girl, 20 months. I'm now just about eight months pregnant with our second! I think this week will make 35 weeks for me - due 8/13/09.
Realized over the past month that I'd been depressed for some time - due to many circumstances (PPD, brother's illness and death, stress from selling house, buying house, and moving, stress from H's work schedule/National Guard schedule and having to be a "single mom" most of the time anyway). Had issues with escalating anxiety/need to control where H spent his free time as he worked a difficult schedule and needed to go to the gym often to maintain a good PT score to be promoted (his unit has a deployment scheduled but as of last discussion H will not be reenlisting & deploying).
Suspecting at this point that the difficult schedule/no "down" time & having to deal with a depressed and hormonal wife at home "broke" H's brain - think he is depressed at this time based on things he's said & his general behavior (not eating well, sleeping problems, using caffeine drinks & ephedrine supplements to be able to stay up for work/gym).
6/1 - H said he loved me, but didn't feel the same about being married anymore. Didn't want to just go through the motions for another 18 years. 6/11 - H moved out into his own apartment.
Not much in the way of development from there, as far as the M goes. We've started MC, but H is going out of town for almost the entire month of July for military duty. I'm hoping he will join me for my appointment tomorrow.
Things I'm doing, since drowning myself in booze was NOT an option:
-Started detaching, 180, GAL & PMA almost immediately. Finally feel HAPPY with myself. I stopped snooping (never found anything, just pissed H off). I've gone out with friends at least once per week. I talk to friends on the phone all the time. -I buy nice things for myself (never really did this before) -Take care of my appearance (I was a t-shirt and jeans girl, no makeup, now I put on some makeup, try to look "professional" for work, wear dresses once in a while just because, and get my hair done) -Setting goals! I was drifting along myself for a while with no real plan, just trying to get through day by day. I'm: Painting my bedroom Going to a concert by myself going back to church/joining a nearby parish Took the GMAT last weekend Possibly starting grad school next spring being promoted at work at the end of the month Joining a gym after I have this baby Realizing that I do deserve all of the good things in my life.
I'm hoping July is a better month than June - since H will be out of town, it's all about developing me, and making my little girl happy, and getting ready for this new baby!
Me - 30, H - 32 T - 10, M - 6, D - 1 DD#1 - 4, DD#2 - 2 on/off OW 4/09 - sometime Summer 2010 (Told me about OW 4/10) Separated 6/11/09, divorced 8/4/10, trying again 9/2011
wow I have read other stories about men leaving while wife pregnant you seem like you are doing well and I know how painful it all is whether its a quarter life crises( age) or some feel MLC can happen earlier, its the same solutions just what you are doing gal, take care of yourslef, therapy is helpful ect also you might want to protect yourself financially the men in MLC spend everything and we need to be observant and take care of our homes watch credit cards, get your name off his cards, ect it may even be advisable since you are seperated to see a L, just fo advice to protect yourself you dont have to tell H about it, just so you know your rights many times we think we can still trust our H, once they leave but as you read other posts you will see many wifes indebt due to H poor judgement good luck peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
my husband was the most financially secure, reponsible guy i had ever met, we had a big beautiful home, youngest people in the neighborhood.....
hit mlc (quarter life crisis) and the money is all gone, he ran up over $100,000 in credit card debt (his own cc) and my home is in foreclosure....
protect yourself so it doesnt happen to you. i didnt know what was going on, didnt know it was a mlc, i trusted him financially even when things with us went south.
me: 31 H:29 Son:5 m:8 years in november t:10 years first bomb: 10/06 moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08 ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06 d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08 moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
I wonder if it's moreso the responsibility of everything (up until our daughter was born I was the one who worked 2-3 jobs at a time + school - I thrive havinging pots on every burner, so to speak - and he worked "easy" jobs). Now he makes more than I do, but the job is very demanding. I know he's not freaked out about his age, and he's not really acting "out of character" except for the moving out part.
He loves being a daddy - but for the past several months I've only required him to have fun with our DD on his day off, since he only had one day off every four days. So he's a "disneyland dad". He plans on staying at the house 24/7 after the new baby is born for a while, so it might be a rude awakening for him to remember how much work it is to take care of a newborn...
I'm pretty well-protected financially - I am keeping track of the bills so that I know how much he needs to give me, and I have some money in savings that he doesn't have access to. He doesn't really have anything except what he brings home every month, and I end up needing to take most of it for the mortgage and bills. After he pays his rent and his bills he doesn't have too much left over for fun. We've had separate finances for most of our marriage. I'm also very diligent about checking credit reports, and he knows this. And due to the mortgage I don't think he can get much more credit at this point (he doesn't have any Visa or MC of his own - just a furniture store card)...
I also plan on taking all of the tax benefits at the end of the year if he is still living on his own then.
I'm thinking about seeing a lawyer, just in case - but if he wants a divorce, he's going to have to pay for it...
Me - 30, H - 32 T - 10, M - 6, D - 1 DD#1 - 4, DD#2 - 2 on/off OW 4/09 - sometime Summer 2010 (Told me about OW 4/10) Separated 6/11/09, divorced 8/4/10, trying again 9/2011
But I do beleive it is a form of a life transition that he is facing.
Most guys, at some point in their thirties, stop to re-evaluate everything in their life. From are they where they want to be to what kind of Father we are to what is going to be our legacy when we are gone.
These are tough decisions to ponder, and sometimes the choices aren't the best. Sometimes it is more than we can bear. Sometimes it a last gasp at freedom before we settle. I MAY be the deepest a guy ever gets with himself emotionally.
Every guy I know has gone through it, and most come out of it. I know that I did, and I came out of it a better person, although the damage I did may be a contribution to why I'm here. The distance and depression have come to haunt me later on.
But I came out with a new perspective, and better Father, Friend, and with the good lord's blessing.....Husband
Please protect yourself financially, Men tend to be more spending through this, and it WILL sneak up on you if you aren't aware what is going on.
Take this time to find yourself, and really be the person YOU want to be.
Since you are here, you might want to just stay here for a while....it is less confrontational than where you were....
I've been doing a pretty good job of finding the person I want to be... Honestly, I couldn't stand the whiny, needy person that I'd become over the past two years, the pessimistic person who couldn't appreciate anything good in my life because of the fear of losing it, and/or the sadness of watching my brother and sister-in-law lose everything. I think my little brother, who was a pretty mild-mannered dude, would kick my behind if he saw me "wasting" my life the way I was.
My dad has said that he went through something similar, where he had to decide whether to be broke living on his own away from my mom and six kids, or to be broke staying there. In the end - he decided that a commitment was a commitment. And while he would have not opted for the life that he has lived when he was young, he wouldn't change anything about it now.
In the meantime, I try not to get to angry at the position I find myself in - and muster up a little compassion for the confusion and depression that H must be feeling...
But I am watching my financial behind.
And trying to be more like the emotionally stable, intelligent, beautiful person I was before. The fact that everybody else in my life is shocked that I haven't melted into a useless puddle seems to be very telling...
Me - 30, H - 32 T - 10, M - 6, D - 1 DD#1 - 4, DD#2 - 2 on/off OW 4/09 - sometime Summer 2010 (Told me about OW 4/10) Separated 6/11/09, divorced 8/4/10, trying again 9/2011
I did talk to H for about half an hour on my lunch break yesterday - one thing he did confirm was that he is out of money until his payday (Friday). I told him that he owed me about $400+ for bills right now in addition to half of his half of the mortgage.
Trying to find a nice yet firm way to say that - hey, when we bought this house together six months ago, there was an implied commitment on your part to taking care of the bills, and I'm going to hold you to it. I refuse to have to sacrifice any more than I am right now in order to subsidize his existential crisis.
Me - 30, H - 32 T - 10, M - 6, D - 1 DD#1 - 4, DD#2 - 2 on/off OW 4/09 - sometime Summer 2010 (Told me about OW 4/10) Separated 6/11/09, divorced 8/4/10, trying again 9/2011
On the bright side, when we talk, it's good. We don't argue, we usually talk about what H is doing in his training that day, or waht I'm doing at work.
He asked what I was doing when I was on my lunch break, and I said "Oh, just driving around..." And he asked if everything was OK. So he showed some concern, I guess We don't talk about DD too much because he misses her so much. Joked about how if he went to Lollapalooza the weekend before my due date, I would kill him - Tool, Rise Against, Thievery Corporation, Kings of Leon... he would be a dead man and I'd hate him forever...
I just don't get where he thinks our marriage is in the toilet. We get along so well. We laugh at the same things. We understand each other better than anybody else ever will. Sometimes when we talk, it's like nothing is different than it was six months ago.
Me - 30, H - 32 T - 10, M - 6, D - 1 DD#1 - 4, DD#2 - 2 on/off OW 4/09 - sometime Summer 2010 (Told me about OW 4/10) Separated 6/11/09, divorced 8/4/10, trying again 9/2011
Yes I know what you mean the connection stays for a while while we DB and sometimes my R seemed better than in the M But it always amazed me that xH was really done he was already living with younger woman and he had no desire to work on M at that time or now skeep up your efforts though , some will return and yours probably is in a quarter life crises and it may be a little better than MLC peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
This board is fun.