And the exclamations are so consistent and so frequent that this has to be the But with my C's help today, I think I see it a bit more clearly. From my W's point of view, I called the shots through most of our M. It was my job, my career that moved us around, my (louder and more strongly stated) opinions that got heard, etc. Regardless of how I see the past and my view on what happened, she feels like she didn't have a say. She feels her opinions and beliefs and desires were not respected and valued. She feels that our married life was about me, and not about her.
So at least this helps me understand where the outbursts are coming from.
HUGE! This is a significant place for you to be at. Good on you for asking the question of yourself and looking for the answer honestly.
I wonder when and how you could communicate this revelation to Mrs. Thinker.
Cheers ~~~~
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
Thinker, I have contacted the host couple of Retro here in my area, and am waiting for a call back. I just learned that we both have to speak to the hosts before we are registered. So far, W said she'd be will ing to go. I don't know what her level of commitment is, but after a couple of months of not wanting to fix the M, she is going. The open heart and mind thing makes me nervous, too. Also, she doesn't know about the cost or the follow up sessions yet. I don't want to turn her off before we even begin. I, too have high hopes for the weekend. I have been reading positive testamonials and hope that I can add one when we are finished, but nothing is guaranteed. I keep praying the Rosary daily asking Mary to pray for our marriage. So far, my W has softened a bit. Maybe there is more in store for me. Either way, I think I share your emotions on the subjects of our Ws and Retro. I will continue to pray for you.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
And the exclamations are so consistent and so frequent that this has to be the But with my C's help today, I think I see it a bit more clearly. From my W's point of view, I called the shots through most of our M. It was my job, my career that moved us around, my (louder and more strongly stated) opinions that got heard, etc. Regardless of how I see the past and my view on what happened, she feels like she didn't have a say. She feels her opinions and beliefs and desires were not respected and valued. She feels that our married life was about me, and not about her.
So at least this helps me understand where the outbursts are coming from.
HUGE! This is a significant place for you to be at. Good on you for asking the question of yourself and looking for the answer honestly.
I wonder when and how you could communicate this revelation to Mrs. Thinker.
Cheers ~~~~
"Sorry you feel that way" try "I think I understand why you feel that way. Do you feel ________ because I do _____________?" Apologise, validate and let her know you see how she could feel that way. It is so important that we are heard and seen. Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I wonder when and how you could communicate this revelation to Mrs. Thinker.
Been wondering that myself.
We have a joint MC session scheduled for tomorrow. Not sure how that will go - she cancelled out of the last one - but it would be a good time to bring it up and discuss it.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Good luck with Retro Orich. I do think it is smart of them to require both spouses to call. I think it places a small barrier there so that each spouse has to make a decision to attend.
Originally Posted By: Orich
I will continue to pray for you.
Thank you Orich. I really appreciate that.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Thinker - My W didn't want to go to Retro either and changed her mind after talking to the host as well. She was agreeing to go primarily due to pressure from me and my MIL. She wanted to be able to say she tried it I think, and also stated that it might help us communicate better as co-parents, etc. if we D. That was the one reason she stated why she was going.
A the time she was deeply into an EA. I didn't realize how intense it was and it definitely made it hard for her to get anything out of Retro, but I have read stories where A was actively going on and Retro turned the WAS around. She kept saying she didn't have 'feelings' for me and that she didn't want to ahve to CHOOSE to have feelings (becuase she was attached to OM I figured later). It turns out that the whole time we were goign she was mocking the whole thing in her conversations with OM, however (that hurt). She also wavered off and on about the post sessions due to fluctuations in her EA, but we made it through all of them.
I think you are in a good situation since OM is not around anymore?? I would have loved to go to Retro NOW, when Ws EA had calmed down a bit (but there is still some contact with OM happening). It may have had more impact on her. I still plan on taking up some of the material and working with it if she decides to R.
Either way, it was a moving experience for me and helped me sort out my priorities and acknowledge my contributions to our M problems.
Good Luck - are you still scheduled for Sept or did you find an earlier session?
Last edited by tryingtilDorR; 07/15/0905:04 PM.
ME/XW:47 S21, D19, S15, S14 M:21 T:26 W moved 6/10 I filed 7/10 D final 4/12 remarried 8/12 W wants to R 12/10 and 4/11 but I decline
One more step in the registration process. We both talked to the Hosts and now just received the registration form in the mail.
Now just need to send in the check and arrange childcare. I asked my parents if they would come here and stay with the kids for the weekend. Once I have their response I can finish the registration.
My W's reaction has for a long time been exactly as yours - "I don't have any feelings for you and don't want to go through any program where they try to convince me to have those feelings" I don't want to go if my W is just going to try to hold onto that, so I am trying to pressure gently.
Last edited by Thinker; 07/15/0905:12 PM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
I talked to the host today. He was very encouraging. He told me that she has to talk to them now. So, I hung up with him, and then fought back a minor anxiety attack. What if she changed her mind? What if she doesn't call? What if she does call and tells them she isn't really interested? I calmed myself down and reminded myself that she brought it up out of the blue. So, I called. We started talking about other things. She was pleasant, we spoke, laughed, etc. Then I brought it up. She kinda became a bit matter-of-fact. I told her what she had to do. She said OK, and asked that I email the info to her. I did. Later, we texted back and forth about other things, and she seemed fine again. I guess we'll see what happens from here. The session is in September. I hope everything continues smoothly until then. So far, we have been getting along fine, W even made plans for the foreseeable future by volunteering us to work with the Cub Scouts for my 5 year old boy. I will continue to monitor the situation and report back with any new information. (That was me being matter-of-fact)LOL.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
