Finally trying to move on without H

[beepee]

Gardener: FANTASTIC advice.
i'll make sure to go over everything you wrote and practice today and tomorrow. i also have to read up about them so i can ask them some questions about that.

as far as the apt goes, you have to show them proof of residency by showing them a bill or somethng with your name and address on it. but im sure theyll give me some time to find a place. im just so nervous as it is a govt job and i really really want it and because im so excited, im so nervous im gonna muck it up! but i will practice today and tomorrow and make sure that im ready for any questions that come my way. ill be sure to do lots of deep breathing exercises as well as that is the biggest worry i have right now. but ill be ok! im gonna do this and im gonna give it my best!!

thank you all for your amazing advice!! its definitely going to help me on friday and if i get the job, i owe it all to you guys for your endless support!!

so journaling a bit here:
had a dream about my H..that he came back and it was sooooo real and vivid. i woke up for a second and thought that it was real but after a few seconds, came back to reality. sigh.

i cant believe im on my 5th day of NC with the H. and of course no contact from him at all. i hate this so much because he's the person in my life (before) that id go to with big news and i loved sharing it with him, everyone has that one person im sure, he was that one person for me and it kills me that i cant jump up and down and run to him and say guess what!! guess what!! guess what!! I GOT AN INTERVIEW WITH THE ****** COMMISSION!!! it makes me really sad that i cant do that anymore

but then again, if he had never left, i would have never even applied to any jobs so in a way, i owe that to him. im kinda forced to get a job, to move out and find an apt, to live my life again and make it a good one. if he never left, i would still be sitting in the closet with the lights turned off, crying. so i thank him for that. he said he had nothing left to give me anymore in the relationship.. well i guess this was the last thing he gave me, my life back. even if its a life without him, its going to be an amazing, positive, happy one because i will not let it go any other way. i deserve that life and so does he. i just wish we were able to work it out and live that life together. who knows, maybe itll happen in the future, maybe not, we might be totally different people then and my heart could be somewhere else. for now, my heart is with him and i dont see it anywhere else. itll stay with him for a long time im sure, and im going to fight for what my heart wants even if it means letting go, getting on with my life, making positive changes, and waiting for a long time for him to maybe come back.

"i just know that something good is gonna happen, i dont know when, but just sayin it could even make it happen." - kate bush